Saturday, December 24, 2011

It's finally here; Christmas.

Christmas. Where do I even start? Since we lost Xander in January and Robert on May 5th, I've already conquered many holidays while missing my babies. Let's see....in March there was my 21st birthday. In May there was Mother's Day. Oh and don't forget Easter in April but I was pregnant with Robert then. Then there was Father's Day, Fourth of July, Rob's birthday, Halloween and Thanksgiving. Now we are at probably the hardest holiday yet: Christmas.

Christmas is hard for any grieving parent, or anyone who is grieving really. Most commercials focus on family and Santa Clause and the kids being surprised with presents on Christmas Morning. Then you have the Christmas Carols. Have you ever thought of Silent Night as a horrible song? Probably not unless your child really is "sleeping in Heavenly peace". So, how does a grieving parent make it through?

Last night Rob was talking to his brother via internet. My father-in-law invited us to meet them in St. Louis and spend Christmas with them. We debated back and forth on what to do. Yesterday was the point in pregnancy where I lost Xander. Also known as "point of loss" or "POL" to save time. POL is scary. You relive every moment of your baby's birth/death. The dreaded ultrasound, the labor, everything. I decided I wasn't comfortable being 300 miles away from my doctor and hospital. We declined. But last night I got to thinking and really wanted to go. Rob's step-Mom was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. I don't know specifics but I would have loved to spend Christmas with her and the rest of the family. So last we decided what the hell, let's go in the morning. After showering and packing a suitcase we headed on the road for St. Louis. Sixty miles later the car broke down on the side of I-55. I'm now sitting at home.

It seems like every time we try to do something fun to cheer ourselves up instead of sitting at home in fear...something shitty happens. Like the car breaking down. Rob and I spent the next 3 hours in the tow-truck driving around trying to figure out what to do. Thank God for our tow-truck driver and putting up with how frazzled we were. The car ultimately ended up in our drive way considering it's Christmas Eve and dealerships and car rental places are closed.

Here we are back at home. Rob is playing XBOX and I'm sitting cuddled up on the couch with my fleece blanket and laptop. I was so afraid that with all of the stress that the baby wouldn't be okay. Luckily he's a mover and I can feel him kick away as I type. But despite the dramatics of the day and my booger baby kicking my belly I can't help but mourn Christmas. It's not a happy time for me. I've spent most of my night staring at Xander's picture that sits by our television. I wish I could stop myself from thinking about the what-ifs but I can't. What if he was here? What would we be doing? Would we even live in Memphis? We would probably still live in Denver. We'd probably spend time with family. Not alone. I can't even get myself to turn on the Christmas lights on the tree. We just have had really bad luck this year and for fuck's sake I just want something to go our way!

I can only hope that tomorrow is a better day. At least I know we won't be going out anywhere. We won't have to worry about rushing around, trying to get somewhere on time or make it to everyone's house and eat 3 big meals like we usually do. Hell I probably won't even shower.

How will I survive tonight and tomorrow? Kleenex. And Xander Bear.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Letter to Heaven

My Dearest Xander,

It's been awhile since I've written you a letter. It's been almost a year now. So much has happened. Two months after you passed away I became pregnant with your brother who is named after Daddy...Robert. His life lasted much shorter than yours and we said goodbye to him on May 5th. But I'm sure you know this already because I like to think the two of you are together and never alone. We moved away to Tennessee for Daddy's job. It was so hard to leave you there. The last time we visited you I didn't want to leave you and I'm sorry that we did. There have been so many days when I have needed to go see you and I can't. Everyone tells me that it doesn't matter...that you are always here but I just felt like you were really with us when we went there. I could feel your presence. I do feel you though, even though I am ~1000 miles away now.

I'm still feeling guilt for a lot of things that happened. I still feel guilt over your death. I still feel as though my body let you down. I'm sure it's something I will struggle with for life but it eats me up inside. You were so tiny and fragile; my warrior. I'm still amazed at how much of a fight you put up. I still feel guilty for getting tired of bed rest. I knew how important it was but man, it drove me crazy. Any time I got upset about it you always kicked me and brought me back. I remember though, one night, being so exhausted. I prayed to God and asked him, "if you are going to take my son, why put me through this? Just take him...". How could I be so selfish? How could I ask God to take you from me? More often than not though I was praying for him to SAVE you. I begged him multiple times a day to save you and to give us a miracle! But the one prayer I regret is the one he answered. I'm so sorry Xander.

Another big thing that has happened is I am pregnant yet again. Your brother is due 3 weeks before you were due. I've been struggling with all of the milestones we faced together last year. And the ones you should have hit this year. Especially this Christmas. Last year on Christmas I was pregnant with you. It was just 3 weeks before you died. Dr. Watson said it was okay for me to spend Christmas at your Grandpa's house so off we went. I remember bragging to everyone how different it would be just 12 months from then. You would be here to celebrate with us and bring a new joy into the world. Everyone would pass you around and I would probably be over protective and nod and smile as everyone admired your blue eyes and blond hair and deep down I would be screaming haha. Then I would get you back in my arms and tell you about last Christmas. The bed rest, the doctors, the needing to get approval from a doctor just to be able to open presents. Little did I know that these things would always just be a pretend story. I don't know if your eyes were blue but from your remarkable resemblance to your Dad I think it's safe to assume they were. I would never hold you on a holiday or pass you around to family members outside of the room in labor and delivery. You would never see snow or wear the coat I bought for you. And the only memories I will have are the 24 hours we spent together once you were born. The rest will be left to my imagination.

However, I am imagining your little brother here...hoping next year my Christmas will come true. That I will have a baby in my arms but deep down I will always wonder if he resembles you and how you would be. No one will ever replace you Xander. No one. But he is your brother and he will always know that there was someone before him, that there was you. I am 21 weeks and 1 day. Just four days away from the point when you passed. Please watch over me and your brother. Please know he isn't a replacement. Please keep him safe and strong. I hope one day he will feel you with him.

I love you so much. I'm sure you know there hasn't been a day when I didn't say your name out loud. You've been on my mind more than ever recently. Is that because you are here?

Love always,
Mommy

Monday, December 5, 2011

Labels

One of the hardest parts about having pregnancy loss is....the label.

A miscarriage is usually defined as a loss prior to 20 weeks gestation.
A stillbirth is usually defined as a loss at 20 weeks and beyond.

But where do we draw the line?

One of my friends recently lost her baby at 12 weeks. She was induced into labor in the hospital, in the labor and delivery ward and vaginally delivered her son. Most women in the second trimester go through the labor process. You hear about cramps during a miscarriage, did you know that's technically the uterus contracting to get the baby out? Did you know that many women who are considered full term start the labor process in the same L&D my friend went to (where I also delivered my son) using the same drugs that were used to induce her labor?

What about the babies that are born too soon and not able to survive outside the womb? Did you know many of them are born breathing? That their families receive birth and death certificates for them? Or the babies that die in utero...they don't receive any sort of life or death certificate in most states. They are still born. They don't just disappear into thin air. Their families go to funeral homes to pick out caskets or urns. They have to pay to get their baby buried or cremated. I used to hate the word stillborn. But you know what? It makes since. My son wasn't just stillborn....he was still born. I went through labor as have many other women who have stillborns.

But yet you hear the word miscarriage and it just doesn't make sense past a certain point. You read the tabloids and see that celebrities have "a miscarriage at six months". Do you realize how far along 6 months is? That's almost the third trimester of pregnancy. This wasn't just something that was like a heavy period. That was birth. That was pushing knowing your baby won't take a breath once he/she gets out. That's a stillbirth.

Losses can be so different from woman to woman. Even my two losses were a night and day difference. I went into labor with Xander, we held him, Rob cut his cord and we took pictures with him. With my miscarriage I had a D&C, a surgery. I was completely under. I went into the operation room pregnant and asleep and came out asleep and not pregnant. There are mothers who go into a routine OB checkup, find out their baby has passed and have to be medically induced into labor. Some even have to endure a cesarean section. How can we sum that up into two words? Stillbirth? Or a miscarriage? I like to define losses by how far along a woman was. So instead of saying Xander was stillborn I say, Xander was stillborn at nearly 22 weeks. Instead of saying I had a miscarriage I say, I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks.

But even then....the world's knowledge of pregnancy becomes known when you say things like that. Like people think because I was only nearly 22 weeks pregnant, that I didn't hold him. Or that he wasn't 10 and a quarter inches long and weighed 15.6 ounces. It's like the think the baby somehow goes from sperm meets egg to 20 inches, 8 pound baby over night. It's amazing how uneducated people, especially WOMEN who have had babies, are when it comes to pregnancy.

So, please, read up on fetal development. We don't just magically wake up not pregnant one day (well, I guess unless you've had a D&C like I did). We still have to birth our babies. Even before 20 weeks.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

What NOT to say to a bereaved mom/dad

I know I've brought this up before but it was so soon after losing Xander that I think I need to go at it again....now that I'm far from that angry stage.

What not to say after a parent has suffered a stillborn.

1) You will be a good mom/dad SOME day.
--I don't know why, but this one always pops to the front of my mind. It's an insult. As a woman, a mother, I have just birthed a baby but I'm not a mom? I may not be a PARENT but I am still a mom and my husband is definitely a father. This one most often applies to moms and dads whose first baby is stillborn and therefore they aren't considered a mom or dad because they have no other children besides the one that has passed.

2) It was for the best.
--A baby dying is never for the best. Regardless of whether or not a baby was "planned" or not planned, it's never for the best. The death of a baby seems like a cruel joke. An innocent life, literally innocent, never even took a breath outside....it's just cruel.

3) It was God's plan.
--God or no God, to think a baby's death was a plan? C'mon now. That doesn't even make sense.

4) I know how you feel, my dog/bunny/cat died.
--Uhhh yeah. Seriously, people have said this. I don't even think it needs an explanation.

5) I know how you feel, I had an abortion.
--This is just as bad as comparing it to a family pet's death. Medical reasons or not...an abortion is not the same as giving birth to death.

6) I know how you feel......blah blah blah.
--Unless your "I know how you feel" is followed by "my son/daughter was also stillborn" then no, you don't know how I feel.

What to say to someone who has suffered a stillborn.

1) I'm sorry.
--You can never go wrong with this.

2) What did you name him/her?
--You will never believe how important it is to hear others say our baby's names out loud and refer to them as the people they were.

3) What time can I come over? I'd like to clean/cook/bring food/take out your garbage.
--Mundane tasks are the hardest to get done. Moving an inch feels like running a mile. Grief takes a toll on you physically. Don't let them get away with telling you they don't need help. They may not realize it but it's a huge sigh of relief to have someone take care of things for you.

4) This isn't something to say, but what to do. 
--Don't stop calling them. Leave voice-mails and send text messages and e-mails to let them know you are still thinking of them....days, weeks, months and years later. Even if they don't answer them, they will read them.

Losing an infant is devastating. Many times people mean well but over think things that come out wrong. Don't over think it. Keep it simple. Remember, when you lose your baby you lose a life time of dreams. These parents have most likely held their babies and named them and taken pictures of them. These are the only memories they will ever have. Be there for them. Don't just be there the first days or weeks. Be there for them forever. The memories will never leave. We love hearing our baby's names and knowing that people recognize them for what they were, people. Just listen. You don't have to say a thing.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Life Before Loss

Let me preface this by saying I do not regret having my sons. But....

I miss my life before them. It's not about going out and acting my age or whatever. It's about missing being naive. And care free. I miss not having to explain to people that I have other sons, that this is not my first pregnancy but no, I do not have any kids at home. I miss having a job. I've been unemployed since starting bed rest with Xander on November 1st 2010. I miss meeting new people and not being afraid to do so. I miss not having to answer awkward questions. I miss not having to bite my tongue then feeling guilty when I do. I miss not having to wonder if I should even try explaining Xander to people. Do you realize how many people don't really understand what a stillbirth is? I miss my friends and when they used to treat me like a normal person. Not someone who gets easily offended or over sensitive. I miss not knowing the meaning of progesterone deficiency and blood clotting issues and what Lovenox and baby aspirin are and how they can help a baby survive pregnancy. I miss not knowing the stillbirth, miscarriage and infant loss statistics. I miss thinking that losses most commonly occur in the first trimester and thinking that anything after was completely rare. I miss thinking that a pregnancy ended at 40 weeks. I miss not having 24 weeks as a goal, because that's when a baby is at the "viability" stage and doctors will try to help the baby to survive outside of the womb. I miss not knowing what a NICU is and what it stands for. I miss not anticipating NICU bills. I miss my old life.

Part of me did die on January 13th 2011 with Xander. My innocence. My patience and tolerance. I feel like everyone should know what I know. But that's not realistic and NO ONE should know what I know....because I know the truth. I know it isn't rare. I know it can happen to anyone. I know that just because someone experienced the same thing as me that doesn't mean I will have the same outcome. I know not all things resolve on their own. I know that they can grow and take a life. I know that labor can start at any moment and mother's won't feel it happening.

I hate knowing what I know. I hate living in fear. I hate seeing the negative side of things and never believing anything positive will happen. Why should it?

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving

Turkeys, family, food coma and a parade. Pretty much summarizes my definition of Thanksgiving. Or at least it used to be my definition of Thanksgiving. Now it's pot roast, incomplete family, food coma and a parade. Growing up I hated the end of the year. I loved the breaks we got from school but hated leaving behind the memories I had gained throughout. Now? I can't wait for this year to be over and Thanksgiving is a reminder of how close we are to bringing in a new year.


Last year I was pregnant with Xander on Thanksgiving. Rob stayed home with me since I was on bed rest. I don't remember what we ate but remember my dad bringing over left overs then I threw it all up since I was still sick. I was about 14 weeks pregnant with him. I still believed he would come home with us. No doubt about it. I was starting to get used to the idea of bed rest but definitely getting antsy. Then in January we lost him.


I remember Thanksgiving last year telling everyone all of the great things I had planned for Xander. "This time next year he will be 6 months old and...."


Nope. Instead it's been 10 months and 10 days since he died. Then in April we got pregnant again. Then I started saying "by Thanksgiving I will be 36 weeks pregnant!" Nope. That dream ended by May. Now? I am 17 weeks 3 days pregnant. I keep myself from thinking ahead. I don't say what I will be doing next year. I keep it to myself. I hope and pray to God every single day that he will finally bless me with a baby to celebrate with. To hold in my arms and sing to....even if I'm horrible at singing. I want a baby to read Christmas time stories to and to tuck in before bed.


My heart is broken this Thanksgiving. I still think of my boys every day. Especially the one in my belly. I just want him to come home with us in April. That's all I want.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

The Future

I haven't posted about this on my blog yet...but I'm pregnant. I will be sixteen weeks tomorrow. I am due on April 29th 2012. It's so bittersweet being pregnant again. Everything has been 100% perfect but I'm still scared. I will be scared until the day this baby boy comes out screaming. I think about the day I will give birth to this little boy and my memories of my one and only other birth experience pop in my head.

A quiet delivery room. Everyone being afraid to say something. My legs being numbed by an epidural and having to ask for help to lift them then being told to push. But I didn't know how. I had to ask. It wasn't a ton of nurses by my side telling me to breathe and people taking pictures and encouraging me. It was me being told how to do it and me pushing too fast because I wanted to get it over with. Then not knowing that he had made it out. No scream. No "it's a boy!" Rob wasn't standing by waiting to cut the cord. I asked him if he wanted to and he did. I remember keeping my eyes closed the entire time and then opening them just to stare at the ceiling while the doctor felt to make sure everything came out. Then him showing me the torn placenta....the piece of shit that took Xander's life. The clots. Being told I didn't tear. Obviously, he was only 10 1/4 inches long and weighed in at 15.6 oz. Then being handed my son. My son with his eyes fused shut still. I didn't know what to think. He didn't look like what I expected. He looked normal. He had all 10 fingers and 10 toes. A nose. Two eyes. Lips. Two ears. Fingernails. And even a little hair.

But what about this time? I still don't know what to expect because I only know what birth is like being almost 22 weeks along. I imagine it will hurt more. I imagine there will be more encouraging words. I imagine crying happy tears. I imagine FINALLY hearing the sweet sound of the first cries. I imagine everyone saying "it's a boy!" By the way, why do they say that if you already know? I imagine he will have all 10 toes and 10 fingers. Two eyes. Two ears. A nose. Lips. This time I will get to see the color of his eyes. And see him wiggle. Can I handle that? All I know is death. Will he come out alive? Will he look like Xander? My questions about giving birth probably sound so weird compared to women who haven't had losses. I don't care if I tear. I don't care if I accidently go #2. I don't care about getting an epidural, although I'd prefer one. All I care about is having a baby that comes out screaming. That's all I want. Oh and to be able to take this baby home and watch him grow up.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

My Friends

One gift that Xander gave me, was finding new friends.

My friends live all over the country and some even in Canada. How do I know these women?

Losing Xander, I turned to a site that I had been visiting while on bed rest. They also have grief support groups. Trust me, I was never one for finding online friends or considering someone I've only "typed" to a friend but these women know me better than friends I've had for years and years. We all have one thing in common....we've had a baby(or babies) die. We all feel the pain and pure heart ache daily. We've all endured the rude and insensitive comments, the crying over Pampers commercials and the (maybe irrational, but normal) bitterness towards women who have never suffered a loss and get to live in ignorance. We discuss memories and what could have been and our futures. Our futures of having another chance, another try with the little hope we hang on too. We lift each other up and we virtually send hugs. We understand each other. We are real. We don't say "it will get better" or "get over it". We say, "I understand" "I wish the pain would go away" or just a simple "I'm sorry". We don't dwell in our grief though. We don't sit around and feel sorry for ourselves...at least not all the time.

We laugh, we tell stories and dream of a day when we can all sit on a beach and have drinks together. And maybe one day we can all have a play date with our future babies. Our rainbows. We recommend movies and books and encourage each other in positive ways. We send flowers and teddy bears when a Mom is in need of something tangible, not just a "I'm sorry". We also talk about things that may not be deemed lady like. Haha. We check in on each other and talk to each other daily. We offer support in every day decisions.

Without these women I don't know where I'd be. Probably locked in my room in Colorado. (Oh btw, I moved to Memphis.) I'd probably gone almost a year without showering. Okay, maybe not that long but you get it. I would not have been able to take baby steps in healing. I wouldn't have had the courage to go to a real support group.

Basically, I wouldn't be where I am today without them. I'm just pissed we all live so far away from each other lol. Seriously though....I consider them my best friends.

Thank God for our babies for bringing us together.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

When Your Husband Cuddles With a Teddy Bear

Some nights Rob cuddles with a teddy bear. Some people may find this strange so let me explain...

When Xander died we were given the choice of two teddy bears from the hospital. One was a medium size, over stuffed looking teddy bear and the other was smaller...thinner....and had a red heart stitched over it's chest. It was clear which one we wanted. The smaller one. The smaller one was, well is, the same size as Xander. About 10 inches long and weighs as light as a feather, probably just under a pound. When we first came home I found I didn't know what to do with the bear. Rob set it between our pillows on our bed and it soon had a name: Xander Bear. When I would cry Rob would hand me Xander Bear and I got instant relief. It temporarily healed my empty arm syndrome. I hold that bear and memories of holding Xander run through my head. And if I relax enough....I can smell Xander and remember the texture of his skin and the temperature of his body. 

Rob and I haven't discussed what Xander Bear does to Rob, if it has the same effect on him but I imagine it does. Last night Rob was having a hard time sleeping and I placed Xander Bear in his arms and within minutes he fell asleep. It made me realize just how sad it is...that we have a bear to hold and not our son. Instead of taking pictures of Rob holding our infant son while sleeping, I think about taking pictures of Rob sleeping while holding a bear. It's the closest thing we have to Xander. Most wives love pictures of their husbands holding their baby while taking a nap and I will never have a picture of Rob holding Xander while they both take a nap.

I stayed awake the rest of the night crying. Crying for my husband. Crying about all of the things he is missing out on. I think as a woman sometimes I feel like it hurts me more because I carried Xander and I felt him kick and I was the one on bed rest for 10 weeks. But I should be thankful I got that much time with Xander. I got to feel him alive on a daily basis. Rob felt a few of Xander's kicks but not many. Rob only knew what Xander's attitude was by the ultrasounds we got and what I told him. I got to fall asleep every night while cuddling Xander. It may have been through my belly but....still.

I'll never forget the pride and joy in Rob's eyes as he finally got to hold Xander. We both silently examined him looking for physical similarities. It was clear Xander took after his Daddy. His face was like a mirrored image of Rob. He even had the same facial expression. It breaks my heart to think about the missing pictures of Xander and Rob together. Pictures of their first fishing trip, working on cars together, Rob teaching Xander how to play soccer...the father-son moments that we will forever imagine but never experience.

Monday, June 27, 2011

The Fight

You never seized to amaze the doctors
Who told us your life wouldn't last much longer
But I knew deep down
You were made to be my fighter.
I rested for weeks
Took it easy as much as I could
And one day I felt you kick,
I cried with excitement.
One day I'd see those kicks
From outside the womb.
Weeks went by and then a month
Things were looking up.
"See!" I told everyone
"I knew he would make it!"
Your kicks became strong
My body began to heal
But there were things we didn't see,
Words we never thought we would hear.
Things weren't looking good
But I always looked forward to the night,
For that's when you kicked me the most
To let me know you were alright.
January 12th we were told you would make it
This fight and journey would all be worth it.
I looked forward to that night, to feel  your tiny feet
Little did I know, I'd get to hold them the next day.
Your kicks slowed down, contractions had started,
I woke up your Dad, fear lied within his eyes,
"It'll be alright," I told him, "our son is a fighter".
We heard your heart beat one last time
But I knew deep down, nothing was alright.
Within a few short hours we were told the news
"I'm sorry," he said "I have bad news".
Daddy saw your lifeless body
As I screamed to God
"Why!? Why did you take our son!?"
We held you, your lifeless body.
So quiet and warm.
You had your grandfather's feet,
My lips
Your dad's nose and eyes.
My dear sweet son
How could this be?
That our hello would also be goodbye.
I didn't want to leave you
I still want to hold you one last time
I still want to kiss you one more time.
We still have no answers to why we lost our fight
And some days it feels,
Like no hope is in sight.
But every time the wind blows
And the train rolls by
I know you are still here
Right by our sides.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

So much to say

Where do I start? I probably should have started writing this days ago. Ever since our latest lost last week I have done a lot of self evaluation. Like what I want to do with my life. 


Growing up, I had a LOT of dreams and aspirations. I wanted to start my own "bath and body" line. Not like the store, but that type of stuff. Lotion, body spray, perfume and soap. I wanted one of those make your own soap kits growing up but never got one. I wanted to major in chemistry. Then I started playing basketball. I was bound and determined after my 7th grade tournament and being told I had to play on all the different level teams because they needed me, that I was for sure WNBA material. Then I decided I wanted to focus on cosmetology and become a hair stylist or make up artist for movie stars. So I actually perused that dream. Then we had to move and pay for 2 apartments at once so I took a break from school and worked. Then I went back. Then my Grandma passed away. I went back to school after her funeral and just could not focus. I left once and for all. That school sucked anyway. 


My family always made jokes that I'd be the girl sitting at the bar, throwing back beers with the boys. Ha! Boy, were they wrong. I still love hair & make up. And I hate beer. I'd still love to work and live in LA or New York or Paris. I'd love to study there. 


But whenever you lose two babies, something that rarely happens and usually women experience no problems at all, it's hard to believe that you can do anything. I would love to follow my dreams but right now my biggest dream is to have a kicking, screaming, crying baby to hold in my arms and not just in my heart. To be able to take a baby home and teach it things and celebrate their birthdays where they can be there to blow out the birthday candles. I should be finishing up Xander's nursery and packing my hospital bags for when I go into labor.


But I've already done that. And I was never given a chance to buy stuff for his nursery. I was never able to pack my hospital bags. I was never able to hear the sweet screams of my baby. Neither of them. I am just now approaching my first due date and have had not just one loss, but two. Rob and I already talked about waiting 6 months before trying again. I know I should, I know I should lose the weight, but I just want a baby! I can't believe I've already been pregnant twice. I honestly thought I'd never have kids this young either but now I know that waiting will probably just put me at a higher risk now. I just don't know what else to do with myself. I haven't worked since November and I don't think I am emotionally stable enough yet to start working. Ugh. This sucks. 

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Why Can't I STAY Pregnant?

Bad news. Another loss.


Monday I went in for a progesterone shot. Before I left my house for the appointment, I saw a few pink spots of blood when I used the restroom. I called to see if they could squeeze in an ultrasound while I was there. I should have been 7 weeks and 3 days which is far enough along to hear the heartbeat. I went alone since Rob was in Dallas for work. Right away I could tell something was wrong. The tech even looked concerned. She said the baby measured behind at 6 weeks 6 days and the heart was only beating 84 beats per minute. The first time we heard Xander's heart, it was 189 beats per minute! I saw Dr. D and he said I had a 50/50 chance of miscarriage. They still gave me my progesterone shot and ran my blood to do my weekly test of progesterone level. The next morning the nurse called and said my level was only at 6! It had dropped! I asked her why and she said she had no answers and scheduled me for an ultrasound on Wednesday. Originally we were going to give it a week and wait until Friday to do another ultrasound. I cried all day on Monday after my appointment and the phone call on Tuesday morning pretty much gave me the confirmation that the baby was passing or had already done so. I was going to stay on bed rest all week but I felt so alone so I went and saw Xander. All the way home I said out loud, "my baby will grow, my baby will live". About 30 minutes after I got home I went to the restroom and saw bright red blood. It was only a few spots but I was still worried. I called the on call after hours line for my OB since it was 5pm. The nurse actually called me from the office and said "Hi Laura. What's going on? Dr. W said you paged him".


I told her what happened and asked if Dr. W could meet me at the ER since the office was closed. She told me to wait until Wednesday since I had an appointment but I told her I just knew. She said she'd talk to Dr. W and call back. Well let me tell you, I have the best doctors ever! He was still in the office and called the ultrasound tech back in to do my ultrasound. I got there by 5:30pm. The four of us sat in the room quietly and we all saw it. No heart beat. Dr. W put his hand on my arm as the tech announced what we all knew. The baby had passed on. I had already made up my mind on what I would do if I were to miscarry since I pretty much knew on Monday that I would. I scheduled the D&C for the next morning.


Rob was able to make it home right on time to take me to pre-op. The surgery went well and I was able to go home just 4 short hours after arriving at the hospital. The nurse that delivered Xander was working and came by my pre-op room and gave her condolences. She has also experienced loss and told me that if I can picture myself with a baby, then it WILL happen!


Dt. W was my OB when I was pregnant with Xander. Then I switched to Dr. D because he was the one who actually delivered Xander. Now Dr. W has been more apart of our loss experiences. I can honestly say I don't know who to go to anymore because they were both so kind during these horrible times. But right now I just want to focus on me and my relationship with my wonderful fiancée. Having another loss is so discouraging but I really can see us as a family with living children one day. I just don't know why it hasn't happened.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Low progesterone=infertile?

I received my progesterone levels and were shocked to hear they were 7.5 when they should be 15. I was told I would have to be taking extra progesterone in order to conceive. I still took more home pregnancy tests though because as my fellow BBCer's know, the show ain't over until AF shows. So I had taken 4 tests...all negative. I thought for sure we were out this month which was expected considering it was only the first month trying. Yet I didn't want to believe that a week after I turned 21, I was diagnosed with infertility. It was so easy with Xander, why is it hard this time? Why are all of these things appearing now? If we had caught it with Xander, would I still be pregnant? I should be 35 weeks. His due date is 5 weeks away! Why am I going through this instead?
Well last Saturday I had one test left. One staring at me saying "take me! Take me! I'm only going to give you a BFN (big fat NEGATIVE) but take me anyway. So I did and set it aside while I finished up my business. I couldn't believe what I saw when I looked down....

HOLY SHIT! Is that a 2nd line? It can't be. I was diagnosed with secondary infertility 5 days ago. So I took another one. A digital so I didn't have to worry about reading lines.

It can't get more positive than that. I told Rob and we talked about whether or not to tell the family. I told him after the first test then we went together to buy the 2nd one. We got home from the store and my brother, also our roommate told us that his friend was moving into our neighborhood and now he has someone to live with once I "pop out that bun in the oven". Rob and I looked at each other and I knew I couldn't hide it from my brother, especially living with him. So we told him. Then told the rest of our families. We can't hide it plus if something happens I want to have the same support we did with Xander.

So here we are blessed with another miracle. No one else knows, we are keeping it off of the dreaded facebook. Well now my cousin Lacy knows and I guess I hadn't told her so Lacy, if you are reading this, KEEP IT OFF OF FACEBOOK PLEASE lol. Thank you.

I can't even explain how scared I am, how scared we are. I am only 5 weeks. But like I said, it's weird. I should have 5 weeks left with Xander, not be 5 weeks brand new pregnant. I feel better with my new doctor though and have an awesome plan in place. No one will even know I am pregnant unless they see me. Obviously I won't be showing for another 10 weeks but I'm just saying, I'm not gonna blurt it out to everyone online because I am not innocent anymore. I know pregnancy doesn't always result with a take home baby. And it's sad.  

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

You've Got Mail

The day I discovered I was pregnant with Xander, I signed up for everything baby. Pampers, Luvs, Huggies, Enfamil, Similac, Your Pregnancy Week by Week, The Bump, etc. So needless to say I get e-mails with subjects like "Your growing baby at __ weeks". Ugh. It's such a slap in the face but I just don't want to take the time to cancel my subscription or whatever it is. But I never expected I'd get mail in my actual mailbox not just my inbox.

I went to check my mail and pulled out a flyer for pregnancy pictures. I don't even know how they got my address. All I know is it had a big picture of a big naked belly. A belly with a baby. Like what mine should look like. Every day I look in the mirror for signs of pregnancy. For signs of Xander. But all I have are the memories. The stretch marks and flabby skin. I should be having my baby shower this weekend. Instead, tomorrow Rob and I are going to the first hospital support group. It sucks. I want my Xander back. I want my big baby filled belly back.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Emotions

Rob and I seem to be thinking of Xander a lot lately. I think it has to do with the fact that realistically, I could be pregnant again. I (and I'm assuming Rob) are trying really hard not to get our hopes up. I am having symptoms but it's way too early to tell. I think just the idea that I could be pregnant is freaking me out. I am SO SO SO SO excited but so nervous! I am getting my progesterone levels checked on Friday. The results could also be a sign if I am pregnant or not. If they are high it could mean I have a bun in the oven. If not, well then there is always next month. I just hope that Xander knows he will forever be our baby. The one who was taken away way too soon. I would like nothing more than to just hold him and tell him over and over again how much I love and miss him.

Thinking back to the day we lost him seems like a distant memory. Almost like a dream. Rob and I decided to give each other 5 minutes alone with Xander. I held him as close as I could to me and cried and cried and cried. I could barely get the words out that I was dying to tell him. I remember my tears kept rolling off of my chin onto his forehead. I finally worked up the courage to write him a letter of all of those words I wish I could have said that day but kept getting too choked up to speak them out loud.


My Dearest Xander,
I have been wanting to write you a letter for oh so long. I actually started writing you letters when you were still alive in my belly. I thought about how we would laugh about how stressed you made me from the very beginning but it would all be okay because you were my warrior and fought until the very end. I thought that I would get to read those letters to your wife one day and we would get to tease you about being so stubborn and being such a boy that would grow into an incredible man. I had thoughts of your first day at home, your first car ride, your first soccer game, your first day of school, your high school prom, high school graduation and the day I would send you off to college. I thought about how you would be an amazing older brother. I even thought about potty training you because I was so terrified to try to potty train a boy since we don't have the same "equipment". I wondered if you would like Spiderman or Batman better and hoped your first word would be "mama". I cried every day when I was pregnant. I didn't have the best pregnancy. It all started with back pain at 10 weeks. Then bleeding and a diagnosis of partial abruption at 11 weeks. Then strict bed rest from 11 weeks until the day we lost you at 21 weeks 5 days.
But I cherished every day with you. I am so sorry I told God that if something bad were to happen, for Him to just make it happen so I wouldn't get attached. I regret that every day. But I hope you can forgive me and know that I loved you ever since I saw those 2 pink lines on the pregnancy test. I just knew that you wouldn't make it. I told myself every day that you would but deep down I knew not to get my hopes up. In the ER, the doctors always told me that it didn't matter, that you only had a 50% chance or less of making it. But I always told them that they were wrong. That you are the biggest miracle and that you would surprise them one day. I wish I could say I was right. I wish that you were still growing inside of my belly. I would be 31w3d. I would be having my baby shower in a week and setting up your nursery. But instead I am writing this letter to you and will be bringing it to the memorial bench where you are buried. 
I miss you every day my sweet Xander. You will always be Mommy and Daddy's first baby ever. You will always be the first grand child, nephew and cousin. And when the day comes that we have more children, you will always be their big brother. They will always know who Xander is. I can't even begin to tell you how much my heart hurts. There is a part of it that is missing. That's why I left you the Snoopy holding the heart..as a symbol of the piece that belongs to you, my son. I hope that one day we will meet again. I hope that the first word I hear you say will be "mama". Daddy and I had a running bet on what your first word would be. Don't let me down.
This is from a book called "Love You Forever". I couldn't wait to read it to you.
I'll love you forever,

I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.

Love always,
Mommy

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy."

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Officially TTC

I am sssoooo scared! I am super excited though. I haven't told any one in my family that Rob and I got the official green light today at the doctor but now, I guess they know! I had a follicular ultrasound done and long story short, she said that I am ovulating and we can try this cycle! So crazy! I thought we wouldn't be able to until next month but everything looks fine and she said mainly, however long we wait is up to us. It's how we feel in our hearts not how we look medically.

These past few days have been crazy. I've been riding this constant emotional roller coaster. Up, down, up down it never ends! I just can't believe how long it has been already. I miss Xander so much and the journey of TTC makes it even harder. I am ready but I guess it just sets in the reality more that he is gone. Like really gone. I hope he knows that we are in NO way trying to replace him, just growing our family and giving him a little brother or sister to watch down on.

The hospital support group is starting on April 7th. It will run for 7 weeks, the last meeting being on May 19th. It's so weird because May 19th is 2 days before Xander's original estimated due date. Every where I look I see signs of him. Like I looked on my old birth club on a website I go to and a post was called "Xander or Zander" and she wanted advice on how to spell it. She ended up choosing Xander. Then, people have signatures at the end of their posts where usually their kids names are listed. I keep seeing his name! I never saw anyone with kids that had his same name before we lost him. I was thinking that if we ever have a girl I want her middle name to be Xandria or Xandra. Probably Xandria that way it doesn't sound like Sandra. Which would be okay though because that is my late grandmother's first name. I still have to discuss this with Rob.

Anyway, the hospital support group begins soon. I am nervous. I've been apart of an online support group but in person is a lot different. It will be nice to hopefully make new friends that I can relate to. I mean, I was the first out of all of my friends to get pregnant, let alone have a stillborn. It's just hard to find people to relate to. I hate knowing that there are so many people who have experienced this but at the same time it is nice to know you are talking to someone who TRULY understands exactly how you feel! I don't think Rob necessarily likes the idea of support groups but he is going with me anyway. I kind of feel bad but they charge you for the support group and the price is per couple. They asked me who I'd be bringing with me, and my sister said she would come, but I don't know if that'd be weird. I am just so lucky to have Rob. He is such a trooper.

Oh yeah! I wanted to post a picture of the memorial bench where Xander is buried.


I love it there. It's so nice. I left that Snoopy for him. Kind of a reminder that he will always have a piece of my heart. I was surprised that it's so clean. It's been really windy and rainy here.

I miss my son so much. Mommy and Daddy love you Xan-Xan! <3

Friday, March 11, 2011

It's been awhile

It's been far too long since I've written anything. It's almost been 2 months since we've lost Xander now. And to put those 2 months into words is near impossible. I don't remember what my last post was about so forgive me if I repeat anything.

Dr. D ran tests on my blood and everything came back fine. I had 19 viles drawn to test for blood clotting disorders and autoimmune diseases and as he said, "on paper, I look healthy". Apparently my body just needs to stop being so "special" and start to be normal. I am on a low dose aspirin which will help my overall blood flow and helps the placenta grow. I need to start it now that way whenever we starting trying again in one month, my body will be ready. I'm still taking a prenatal vitamin and have began to work out again which feels amazing. Bed rest takes such a toll on your body. My muscles had turned into mush and my stamina is beyond low. At first I started with just walking and have now worked my way up to lifting weights and pilates and continuing my light cardio to help my blood flow.

Emotionally I am a train wreck still. I am fine one day then will spend the next 2 days crying. Now that we have a plan to try again and know when we will begin to try, everything is more surreal. I can't believe I lost Xander. I can't believe that pregnancy--something meant to be full of happiness and morning sickness--was terrifying, stressful and ended in death, not a new life. It tears me apart knowing his heart stopped beating inside of me. Knowing that my body and his life just weren't meant to be together here on Earth. I would give anything to hold him again. Despite the fact his heart had stopped beating, his body was still so warm against mine. I would have died if it meant saving his life. Even if we were to never meet here on Earth, his life was more deserving than mine. I have already seen enough. He never had the chance. All he knew was being inside my womb, wishfully kicking me, reassuring me he was still alive and happy. Until his kicks and his heart slowly stopped.

Pregnancy will never be full of happiness for me. I am no longer jaded and naive about the possibilities of pregnancy. It isn't love=sex=pregnancy=baby.
Now, for me, it's
love=sex=most terrifying 9 months of my life=possibility of happy, living baby.

Nothing in life is promised. Life isn't even promised. And it sucks.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Restless

I can't sleep anymore. I wake up every 20 minutes and I can tell it's affecting Rob's sleep too. My Ambien doesn't even keep me dreaming. Maybe it's because I am not having dreams I am having nightmares. Everyone (in my "dreams") just tells me how it's my fault he's gone. It's like in a movie...where someone is standing in the middle of a circle full of people and the room is spinning and they are all shouting negative things about the person in the center.

I feel like all of my relationships are ruined. No one talks to me anymore unless I am the one to start the conversation. And forget bringing up the fact we lost Xander. It's just like I can see the expression on their face as soon as I say "ever since we lost Xander...." or anything similar, their face goes from smile to frown. Like, is this girl still talking about that? Yes. Yes I am and I always will. Just because you can block it out doesn't mean I can. And honestly I never want to forget Xander because that would be dishonoring my own son. Would you dishonor your child's life? Living or not? And why frown when I bring him up. It is obviously beyond sad what happened but I don't want my son to see his Mommy sad when she talks about him. I can be happy when I talk about him and I hope you can be too. He was amazing. He had a personality. He was stubborn for one thing. At every ultrasound he would squirm and kick and give the tech a hard time. And I know he was caring. Anytime I would worry about him, he would give me a nice big kick in the stomach to remind me that was still there...alive and kicking. He also loved his Dad. Anytime Rob would set his hand on my perfectly round pregnant belly, and say "Xander", he would respond by kicking at Rob's hand.

He was and still is and always will be...my pride and joy.  And no matter how much I feel like my body failed it didn't in a way...because even though we lost him, my body still made him. And at least I can say that.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

A True Gift

I have been doing a lot of reading on Faces of Loss it's an excellent website. And one of the stories I read was about a woman who started a fundraiser after losing her daughter. One of the prizes at one of her fundraisers was a 4D ultrasound. This story is amazing.....

"Teresa's pregnancy went by without circumstance.  At thirty weeks, she was debating using the 4D ultrasound they had won, or perhaps giving it to other friends of ours who hadn't been able find out the gender of their child.  She decided to use it and came straight to my house to show me pictures of her beautiful son right after.  In conversation, she casually mentioned that the technician had expressed concern at the possibility of seeing an issue with the baby's heart.  Having the experience that I had, I was adamant about Teresa following up with her regular doctor.  After extensive testing and ultrasounds, they did indeed find that there was a heart defect and a plan was made for the baby's birth and after care. "
The quote was taken directly from her story which you can read on the main page of the link I posted. Just scroll down until you see where it says "Story of HOPE".

Since Xander's passing I just felt this need that it happened to me that way I can help other Mom's during this time. Stillborns aren't really something that people talk about. But the more I bring up my story the more I hear other people's. And it is horrible. I think it really hit me the first time we went to the cemetery and I saw all of the baby headstones. It's tragic. No one should ever have to bury or in our case cremate, their child. Let alone their baby.

Reading the story about Scarlette Rose and how her mother chose to deal with things realized that is what I want to do. I want to start something like that in my area. I want to help other women but more specifically in time of loss. I want to help raise money to pay other people's hospital bills because that is something that really pisses me off. I didn't bring home my son so why should I have to pay? Aren't I suffering enough? I dread the day the bills will start flowing in...and I plan to fight all of them. So maybe not even raise money to help pay bills but find ways to help FIGHT them.

I talked to my Mom about starting a fundraiser and she is going to help me. Honestly I have no idea where to start. But she used to do fundraisers so I can't wait to get this started! It is just another one of Xander's Gifts.
 

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all...SERIOUSLY!

I understand that knowing what to say to me may be hard. Hell, some days I feel lucky if someone has the balls to talk to me. (Currently in the anger stage of grief) BUT.... 

PLEASE::::If you have any 2nd guesses about the words you are about to say and how they may sound, just shut your mouth before you have the chance to speak.

Things like this fall into that category of "do not say to a grieving parent, particularly a grieving mother":

1.(And this is #1 because it pisses me off the most) You will be a good mother someday.
Uhm hello, I AM a Mom and Rob is a Dad! Xander will always be our son so why am I suddenly not a Mom? And by the way, I do expect to celebrate Mother's Day even though it will be hard considering Xander was due in May. I posted that this bothers me on the support board I am on and another Mom posted this and it really puts things in perspective. 
"No one would ever try to tell a woman who's only grown child was killed in an accident that she isn't a mother! It's an insult to our children, as much as it's an insult to us."
2. It will happen when you are ready. I was ready and I still am ready. So why did it not happen?

3. Maybe something was wrong with him. Tell me how a baby survives for almost 22 weeks inside of my belly with an umbilical cord that never attached to the placenta, but attached to the membranes. He was ever affected until it was too late and took his life. The placenta sucked, the cord placement sucked but my son was perfect.

4. Maybe God took him to save him from further pain in his life. I am religious. But who knows why this happened? And it doesn't make things any better knowing that you think my son would have lived a tragic life. Thanks.

5. Just when people try to answer my questions. If I ask questions out loud about what happened to Xander please understand that they are purely rhetorical. I know I can never make sense of what happened and honestly do you really think you have the answers? I know most ideas start with maybe but have you ever stopped to think maybe you should just listen to me and give me a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen to me talk about my son?


Sunday, January 23, 2011

I ran out of church this morning...

Rob and I hadn't been to church in a long time. With me, I was raised in a religion that showed me just how hypocritical it was when my parents divorced. We stopped going to church and I hadn't been back since. I wanted to wait until I was older...try to find my own relationship with God. That is always how Rob and I talked about how we would face religion with our children. We want to lead them in the direction we were in, but give them the option to find their own paths if that makes sense. Before I was put on bed rest we had discussed going back to church that way we had somewhere to go where we felt comfortable, before Xander was born. Well bed rest kind of prevented that.

Five years ago or so my Mom found a new church that was mainly non-denominational. I had gone a few times and liked it. During my whole pregnancy I felt as though I had built a better connection with God and felt blessed with the days He gave me with Xander. With Xander's passing I have turned to God to give me strength to keep on and to keep Xander's memory alive and celebrating his short lived life inside my belly. I asked Rob if he would go to church with me this morning to the place my Mom went. The church has expanded and moved into a HUGE new building. I felt really intimidated just driving up to it. It has a shuttle to drive you back to your car in a far away parking lot! I mean this place was PACKED! But the Pastor is so nice and you can tell he speaks from his heart and truly believes what he preaches. Also it is more modern which is nice. Every time I go to church which is less than I like to admit, he seems to talk about something I am going through in life at that moment. Well this morning they started with a song, then the Pastor said "today is the day of celebrating life! We are pro-life here..." and I could feel the tears welding up..."let's bring up the families celebrating life and dedicating our lives to God..." I saw through my teary eyes...proud Moms and Dads carrying their babies to the stage...to dedicate their lives to God...to keep faith going in their families. I turned to Rob and asked if we could go.

I ran out of church.

I ran to the doors leading into the lobby, I ran across the lobby which is HUGE and felt everyone's eyes from the previous service beaming me...probably wondering why this woman is running across a church lobby...in tears. Once outside I just wanted to fall to the ground. I want to know why that happened. Why did we choose today to go...the day they celebrate life and my son's life was just taken....the one Sunday a month they do this. While those proud Moms and Dads were getting their children, the ones that they can hold, prayed for...we drove up the road to the cemetery...and visited our baby. I just miss him so badly and would give ANYTHING to be one of those Moms...lucky enough to hold their child in their arms every day. My arms ache for Xander. My arms are empty. My arms are the empty arms of a Mother with a torn heart. No words can describe the pain and emptiness I feel inside. And to think some people...the decisions they make...it makes me so mad! I want my son back.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The song I sang to Xander

When pregnant with Xander I heard this song. It melted my heart because it's exactly how I felt and still feel about him. I just listened to it for the first time since the day he was born sleeping and turned into my angel. It makes me so sad because I wasn't able to give him more than I get...like it says in the song. I used to sing it to him everyday when he was in my belly.

I think that it hurts because I was on strict bed rest for 2 1/2 months fighting for his life. We were such an amazing team and I just wish it would have lasted longer. I'd be on bed rest for the rest of my life if it meant keeping him alive. A lot of people asked me, when I was still pregnant, if once Xander was born, I would be okay with getting pregnant again considering all my problems with pregnancy. I had placental abruption at 11 weeks and in the weeks following my cervix shortened and I was diagnosed with a dynamic cervix. They were going to give me a cerclage, a stitch in the cervix to keep it shut, but the bleeding made it dangerous. A week before we had Xander, my bleeding had stopped almost completely and they were considering doing the cerclage. But then it started again. My cervix also had a lot of funneling. I wonder if the cerclage would have helped. But then I know either way, my placenta would probably still detach and things would have ended the way they did anyway. I just miss him so so much. I wish I was still pregnant with him, even if it meant staying on bed rest until May. I wish I could have held on just a little bit longer...then maybe he would be here in person and not just in spirit.

Last night I dreamt that we had another baby boy. It wasn't Xander but I still loved him just as much and know that Xander was in my dreams, giving me peaceful dreams of being pregnant and having a successful pregnancy. I feel him all around me and am reminded of him by everything I see. It's just hard to remember to be happy by these memories and not saddened by the ones that will never happen.


Monday, January 17, 2011

Today's Gift from Xander, our angel


Gifts from our angel. It's like he knew that his Mommy was feeling really really down today and needed a sign that he is and always will be with us. I usually don't even open fortune cookies when we order take out. And when I do, I don't eat the whole cookie. I couldn't help myself tonight. 

I think this gave me the biggest smile I've had since I've seen his little precious body. Especially his precious little feet.


....And then it hits you like a ton of bricks

The first 48 hours after Xander's passing I was in such a daze that I don't think it fully hit me. I was trying to be positive and look at the things that Xander has given me in my life. Like how he taught me how powerful my body can be...keeping him alive longer than anyone thought I could. And how a little kick can light up your life and just how precious being pregnant is and how much of a blessing it is to be able to get pregnant so fast. And how even though his life didn't last outside the womb, I still witnessed many firsts from him. The first time he kicked, the first time he grabbed onto something with his hands...the first time he sucked his thumb.

But today is a different story. I had dreams where I kept having to tell everyone we had just lost our son. How his life was taken before it was given. I kept waking up but every time I fell back asleep I had the same dream of repeating what happened. And just losing it....that feeling followed me into today. I just want to sleep. I don't want to shower. I don't want to move. I feel so guilty today. I wonder why my body failed. Why did it end this way? Why can't I feel him kick any more? Why did I only get 24 hours with him? I want to hold him again. I want to feel his smooth skin with his light blonde hair...I want to know what color his eyes would have been.

I had so many plans for us. I had just started to write him letters. I explained how stubborn he was already being and how much trouble he had already been causing. I remember thinking about the day I would get to tell his wife about how much trouble he liked to cause his Mommy but how much I always loved him anyway. And how much I still and always will love him. I wish I could have heard his first laugh or even that first cry....I wish I would have been able to comfort him and make him happy again. I just wish we had more time together.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Pushing Ourselves Too Much!

Rob and I received a swing as a gift a few weeks back. Tonight we (I) decided it'd be a good idea to go return it and get the ShirnkxHips belt and some more Bio-Oil. We hadn't opened the swing so we hadn't grown too attached to it like the clothes we bought for him. We waited to go until almost 8pm because I figured there wouldn't be too many babies there(at Babies r Us)...oh.my.gosh. The lady was having a hard time looking it up to see how much we should get back (sale price, etc) but I didn't care obviously. I just wanted to get rid of it and get the stuff and leave. She kept apologizing and kids were crying and people were pregnant and registering and she asked why we hadn't registered and why we were returning it etc. I just felt an anxiety attack building up and kept telling her to just give us whatever price. I twisted my ankle by walking too fast to get the Bio-Oil which is of course in the back of the store so you have to walk by EVERYTHING. We got in the car and just sighed a sigh of relief. I was about to lose it. I don't think we will go anywhere tomorrow.

It's like we don't want to just sit around and not go anywhere, but you can't go anywhere without seeing someone pregnant, a newborn baby or a mom and dad. But even just sitting at home even though he was never physically here...everything reminds me of him. Even string cheese and oranges reminds me of him because that's what I was craving in the end. Of course I craved a lot of food so everything reminds me of him. And we had just cleaned out Rob's man cave to turn into a nursery so now we have an empty room. We are fine during the day but by nighttime we are both just so physically and emotionally drain that we break down. Rob kinda seemed snappy towards me or at least that's how I took it just by the sound in his voice so I asked him if he was mad at me and told him it seemed like it. He said he wasn't mad at me nor was he trying to sound snappy. Then he went into our bedroom and shut the door. I went in with tissues and ended up balling my eyes out. I asked him what was wrong and if he was mad at me and he wasn't. I think we both pushed ourselves too far today and weren't voicing how we felt and were starting to take things in the wrong way from each other. I was so distracted by my pain that I thought he was being snappy when he wasn't. Once I laid my head on his shoulder and told him what I was feeling, I lost it. Everything I had held in was being released out. I have been thinking of the moment they told me I'd be delivering all day. It just keeps replaying. It's like I'm waiting to wake up still.

This can't be real. And because of all the drugs they gave me I barely remember pushing and giving birth. I wish I didn't "have" to get an epidural. I had been up for 24 hours and hadn't had anything to eat in more than 12. I was looking at the pictures of me holding Xander after he was born and I barely remember it. I was apparently pushing too fast (how can you push too fast?) and the doctor told me to slow down. I don't remember it. All I remember is my hands feeling my thighs when I was holding them but I couldn't feel anything touching my thighs. Then I looked at my doctor and told him I had no idea how to push and they told me to bare down and count to 10. And for some reason I was counting backwards...10, 9, 8 ,7...and before I knew it he was out. And the room was silent. I looked at Rob and asked if it was scary. My water hadn't broken and they didn't break it so he was still in it. I don't remember seeing the nurses take him I just remember my doctor cleaning me up and pressing on my stomach like it was another normal delivery. I just had tunnel vision. I don't remember Xander being handed to me. I don't remember anything really. It makes me so sad.

I was chatting with one of the girls from babycenter earlier and she said she admired my strength. I know that the words I write that end up on people's computer screen seem like a strong women trying to encourage others. But I am breaking down too. No one..well except Rob...sees the tears I cry when I write. Or how long it takes me to put my stories into words. I just think that helping others and trying to relate to other women will also help my healing process. Just to know I'm not alone and that these feelings are normal or what anyone can qualify as normal for the situation.

I can't wait to start trying again. I wish I could be put into a coma until I start ovulating again. I don't care if nothing tastes good at first or how little sleep I get from having to pee all night or even if I get constipated. The feeling of having a baby made it all better at the end of the day. I just feel so empty physically. Like a big piece of me is missing. I guess technically something is.

Our Story

Hi, everyone.

Our names are Laura and Rob and we lost our son as he was born still on Thursday January 13, 2011 when I was 21 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I (Laura) was diagnosed with partial placental abruption when I was 11 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I began to bleed very heavily on Monday November 1, 2010 and Rob rushed me to the ER. That is when they made the diagnosis. The next day I was put on strict bed rest at home and we had weekly ultrasounds to track my healing and our son's growth. He was unaffected by it until it was too late. Up until that day everything was perfect! His little heart kept beating away until 1 hour before he was born. He was growing a week ahead at one point and was in the 70th percentile for his gestational age. At 15 weeks we found out we were having a boy! He was not shy at all!

I want to share our story because I want people to know that it is okay to talk about the loss of a still born. I never imagined how it would feel...(who can?) but I have felt at peace. Don't get me wrong, I am not not feeling horrible...I cry most of my days away thinking of my first and only son. You never think it can or will happen to you. You never imagine that your pregnancy will be anything BUT perfect. I imagined complaining about stretch marks and morning sickness...not worries of losing my son and having to pray every night that his heart was still beating. I think I cried after every ultrasound seeing his little heart beat away, fast and strong. And his kicks were so strong for how little he was. He did have really big feet though. He was just starting to respond to our voices. Any time Rob put his hand on my belly and said "Xander it's your dad!" he would kick HARD. I know he had a strong personality already. He was stubborn and a goof ball.

It is so hard not to blame myself. When you carry another person's life in your body and it's lost...you feel like hell. You can't help but to beat yourself up and think "what did I do wrong...why did my body fail on my son"? I know there was nothing left for me to do. It was left in God's hands at that point. I had been on bed rest only getting up to go see the OB or use the restroom and shower. Xander and I put up a good fight. Every time I had an ER visit I was reminded of the slim chances I had. But I knew in my heart that we would fight as long as possible. Towards the last few weeks though I was feeling really down and had a feeling something terrible would happen. There was a point when I told Rob I didn't think I could do it any longer. And I keep wondering that maybe if I hadn't said those words, that maybe I would still be fighting for his life.

There are a lot of things I wonder about and question. I have been replaying my entire pregnancy (we found out at 6 weeks) over and over and over in my head. I keep thinking "well maybe if I never said that...." or "God, why did I ever think that" but I know that thoughts cannot control the outcome of anything. But still whenever you have a loss like this, especially from the mom's point of view when your body is in charge of keeping your baby safe, it's only natural to think these things. All of the doctors and nurses kept reminding us that there was nothing we could have done but I would have given my life if it meant saving our son's.