Officially TTC

I am sssoooo scared! I am super excited though. I haven't told any one in my family that Rob and I got the official green light today at the doctor but now, I guess they know! I had a follicular ultrasound done and long story short, she said that I am ovulating and we can try this cycle! So crazy! I thought we wouldn't be able to until next month but everything looks fine and she said mainly, however long we wait is up to us. It's how we feel in our hearts not how we look medically.

These past few days have been crazy. I've been riding this constant emotional roller coaster. Up, down, up down it never ends! I just can't believe how long it has been already. I miss Xander so much and the journey of TTC makes it even harder. I am ready but I guess it just sets in the reality more that he is gone. Like really gone. I hope he knows that we are in NO way trying to replace him, just growing our family and giving him a little brother or sister to watch down on.

The hospital support group is starting on April 7th. It will run for 7 weeks, the last meeting being on May 19th. It's so weird because May 19th is 2 days before Xander's original estimated due date. Every where I look I see signs of him. Like I looked on my old birth club on a website I go to and a post was called "Xander or Zander" and she wanted advice on how to spell it. She ended up choosing Xander. Then, people have signatures at the end of their posts where usually their kids names are listed. I keep seeing his name! I never saw anyone with kids that had his same name before we lost him. I was thinking that if we ever have a girl I want her middle name to be Xandria or Xandra. Probably Xandria that way it doesn't sound like Sandra. Which would be okay though because that is my late grandmother's first name. I still have to discuss this with Rob.

Anyway, the hospital support group begins soon. I am nervous. I've been apart of an online support group but in person is a lot different. It will be nice to hopefully make new friends that I can relate to. I mean, I was the first out of all of my friends to get pregnant, let alone have a stillborn. It's just hard to find people to relate to. I hate knowing that there are so many people who have experienced this but at the same time it is nice to know you are talking to someone who TRULY understands exactly how you feel! I don't think Rob necessarily likes the idea of support groups but he is going with me anyway. I kind of feel bad but they charge you for the support group and the price is per couple. They asked me who I'd be bringing with me, and my sister said she would come, but I don't know if that'd be weird. I am just so lucky to have Rob. He is such a trooper.

Oh yeah! I wanted to post a picture of the memorial bench where Xander is buried.


I love it there. It's so nice. I left that Snoopy for him. Kind of a reminder that he will always have a piece of my heart. I was surprised that it's so clean. It's been really windy and rainy here.

I miss my son so much. Mommy and Daddy love you Xan-Xan! <3