Letter to Heaven

My Dearest Xander,

It's been awhile since I've written you a letter. It's been almost a year now. So much has happened. Two months after you passed away I became pregnant with your brother who is named after Daddy...Robert. His life lasted much shorter than yours and we said goodbye to him on May 5th. But I'm sure you know this already because I like to think the two of you are together and never alone. We moved away to Tennessee for Daddy's job. It was so hard to leave you there. The last time we visited you I didn't want to leave you and I'm sorry that we did. There have been so many days when I have needed to go see you and I can't. Everyone tells me that it doesn't matter...that you are always here but I just felt like you were really with us when we went there. I could feel your presence. I do feel you though, even though I am ~1000 miles away now.

I'm still feeling guilt for a lot of things that happened. I still feel guilt over your death. I still feel as though my body let you down. I'm sure it's something I will struggle with for life but it eats me up inside. You were so tiny and fragile; my warrior. I'm still amazed at how much of a fight you put up. I still feel guilty for getting tired of bed rest. I knew how important it was but man, it drove me crazy. Any time I got upset about it you always kicked me and brought me back. I remember though, one night, being so exhausted. I prayed to God and asked him, "if you are going to take my son, why put me through this? Just take him...". How could I be so selfish? How could I ask God to take you from me? More often than not though I was praying for him to SAVE you. I begged him multiple times a day to save you and to give us a miracle! But the one prayer I regret is the one he answered. I'm so sorry Xander.

Another big thing that has happened is I am pregnant yet again. Your brother is due 3 weeks before you were due. I've been struggling with all of the milestones we faced together last year. And the ones you should have hit this year. Especially this Christmas. Last year on Christmas I was pregnant with you. It was just 3 weeks before you died. Dr. Watson said it was okay for me to spend Christmas at your Grandpa's house so off we went. I remember bragging to everyone how different it would be just 12 months from then. You would be here to celebrate with us and bring a new joy into the world. Everyone would pass you around and I would probably be over protective and nod and smile as everyone admired your blue eyes and blond hair and deep down I would be screaming haha. Then I would get you back in my arms and tell you about last Christmas. The bed rest, the doctors, the needing to get approval from a doctor just to be able to open presents. Little did I know that these things would always just be a pretend story. I don't know if your eyes were blue but from your remarkable resemblance to your Dad I think it's safe to assume they were. I would never hold you on a holiday or pass you around to family members outside of the room in labor and delivery. You would never see snow or wear the coat I bought for you. And the only memories I will have are the 24 hours we spent together once you were born. The rest will be left to my imagination.

However, I am imagining your little brother here...hoping next year my Christmas will come true. That I will have a baby in my arms but deep down I will always wonder if he resembles you and how you would be. No one will ever replace you Xander. No one. But he is your brother and he will always know that there was someone before him, that there was you. I am 21 weeks and 1 day. Just four days away from the point when you passed. Please watch over me and your brother. Please know he isn't a replacement. Please keep him safe and strong. I hope one day he will feel you with him.

I love you so much. I'm sure you know there hasn't been a day when I didn't say your name out loud. You've been on my mind more than ever recently. Is that because you are here?

Love always,
Mommy