The first 48 hours after Xander's passing I was in such a daze that I don't think it fully hit me. I was trying to be positive and look at the things that Xander has given me in my life. Like how he taught me how powerful my body can be...keeping him alive longer than anyone thought I could. And how a little kick can light up your life and just how precious being pregnant is and how much of a blessing it is to be able to get pregnant so fast. And how even though his life didn't last outside the womb, I still witnessed many firsts from him. The first time he kicked, the first time he grabbed onto something with his hands...the first time he sucked his thumb.
But today is a different story. I had dreams where I kept having to tell everyone we had just lost our son. How his life was taken before it was given. I kept waking up but every time I fell back asleep I had the same dream of repeating what happened. And just losing it....that feeling followed me into today. I just want to sleep. I don't want to shower. I don't want to move. I feel so guilty today. I wonder why my body failed. Why did it end this way? Why can't I feel him kick any more? Why did I only get 24 hours with him? I want to hold him again. I want to feel his smooth skin with his light blonde hair...I want to know what color his eyes would have been.
I had so many plans for us. I had just started to write him letters. I explained how stubborn he was already being and how much trouble he had already been causing. I remember thinking about the day I would get to tell his wife about how much trouble he liked to cause his Mommy but how much I always loved him anyway. And how much I still and always will love him. I wish I could have heard his first laugh or even that first cry....I wish I would have been able to comfort him and make him happy again. I just wish we had more time together.
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