The song I sang to Xander

When pregnant with Xander I heard this song. It melted my heart because it's exactly how I felt and still feel about him. I just listened to it for the first time since the day he was born sleeping and turned into my angel. It makes me so sad because I wasn't able to give him more than I get...like it says in the song. I used to sing it to him everyday when he was in my belly.

I think that it hurts because I was on strict bed rest for 2 1/2 months fighting for his life. We were such an amazing team and I just wish it would have lasted longer. I'd be on bed rest for the rest of my life if it meant keeping him alive. A lot of people asked me, when I was still pregnant, if once Xander was born, I would be okay with getting pregnant again considering all my problems with pregnancy. I had placental abruption at 11 weeks and in the weeks following my cervix shortened and I was diagnosed with a dynamic cervix. They were going to give me a cerclage, a stitch in the cervix to keep it shut, but the bleeding made it dangerous. A week before we had Xander, my bleeding had stopped almost completely and they were considering doing the cerclage. But then it started again. My cervix also had a lot of funneling. I wonder if the cerclage would have helped. But then I know either way, my placenta would probably still detach and things would have ended the way they did anyway. I just miss him so so much. I wish I was still pregnant with him, even if it meant staying on bed rest until May. I wish I could have held on just a little bit longer...then maybe he would be here in person and not just in spirit.

Last night I dreamt that we had another baby boy. It wasn't Xander but I still loved him just as much and know that Xander was in my dreams, giving me peaceful dreams of being pregnant and having a successful pregnancy. I feel him all around me and am reminded of him by everything I see. It's just hard to remember to be happy by these memories and not saddened by the ones that will never happen.