Where do I start? I probably should have started writing this days ago. Ever since our latest lost last week I have done a lot of self evaluation. Like what I want to do with my life.
Growing up, I had a LOT of dreams and aspirations. I wanted to start my own "bath and body" line. Not like the store, but that type of stuff. Lotion, body spray, perfume and soap. I wanted one of those make your own soap kits growing up but never got one. I wanted to major in chemistry. Then I started playing basketball. I was bound and determined after my 7th grade tournament and being told I had to play on all the different level teams because they needed me, that I was for sure WNBA material. Then I decided I wanted to focus on cosmetology and become a hair stylist or make up artist for movie stars. So I actually perused that dream. Then we had to move and pay for 2 apartments at once so I took a break from school and worked. Then I went back. Then my Grandma passed away. I went back to school after her funeral and just could not focus. I left once and for all. That school sucked anyway.
My family always made jokes that I'd be the girl sitting at the bar, throwing back beers with the boys. Ha! Boy, were they wrong. I still love hair & make up. And I hate beer. I'd still love to work and live in LA or New York or Paris. I'd love to study there.
But whenever you lose two babies, something that rarely happens and usually women experience no problems at all, it's hard to believe that you can do anything. I would love to follow my dreams but right now my biggest dream is to have a kicking, screaming, crying baby to hold in my arms and not just in my heart. To be able to take a baby home and teach it things and celebrate their birthdays where they can be there to blow out the birthday candles. I should be finishing up Xander's nursery and packing my hospital bags for when I go into labor.
But I've already done that. And I was never given a chance to buy stuff for his nursery. I was never able to pack my hospital bags. I was never able to hear the sweet screams of my baby. Neither of them. I am just now approaching my first due date and have had not just one loss, but two. Rob and I already talked about waiting 6 months before trying again. I know I should, I know I should lose the weight, but I just want a baby! I can't believe I've already been pregnant twice. I honestly thought I'd never have kids this young either but now I know that waiting will probably just put me at a higher risk now. I just don't know what else to do with myself. I haven't worked since November and I don't think I am emotionally stable enough yet to start working. Ugh. This sucks.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Why Can't I STAY Pregnant?
Bad news. Another loss.
Monday I went in for a progesterone shot. Before I left my house for the appointment, I saw a few pink spots of blood when I used the restroom. I called to see if they could squeeze in an ultrasound while I was there. I should have been 7 weeks and 3 days which is far enough along to hear the heartbeat. I went alone since Rob was in Dallas for work. Right away I could tell something was wrong. The tech even looked concerned. She said the baby measured behind at 6 weeks 6 days and the heart was only beating 84 beats per minute. The first time we heard Xander's heart, it was 189 beats per minute! I saw Dr. D and he said I had a 50/50 chance of miscarriage. They still gave me my progesterone shot and ran my blood to do my weekly test of progesterone level. The next morning the nurse called and said my level was only at 6! It had dropped! I asked her why and she said she had no answers and scheduled me for an ultrasound on Wednesday. Originally we were going to give it a week and wait until Friday to do another ultrasound. I cried all day on Monday after my appointment and the phone call on Tuesday morning pretty much gave me the confirmation that the baby was passing or had already done so. I was going to stay on bed rest all week but I felt so alone so I went and saw Xander. All the way home I said out loud, "my baby will grow, my baby will live". About 30 minutes after I got home I went to the restroom and saw bright red blood. It was only a few spots but I was still worried. I called the on call after hours line for my OB since it was 5pm. The nurse actually called me from the office and said "Hi Laura. What's going on? Dr. W said you paged him".
I told her what happened and asked if Dr. W could meet me at the ER since the office was closed. She told me to wait until Wednesday since I had an appointment but I told her I just knew. She said she'd talk to Dr. W and call back. Well let me tell you, I have the best doctors ever! He was still in the office and called the ultrasound tech back in to do my ultrasound. I got there by 5:30pm. The four of us sat in the room quietly and we all saw it. No heart beat. Dr. W put his hand on my arm as the tech announced what we all knew. The baby had passed on. I had already made up my mind on what I would do if I were to miscarry since I pretty much knew on Monday that I would. I scheduled the D&C for the next morning.
Rob was able to make it home right on time to take me to pre-op. The surgery went well and I was able to go home just 4 short hours after arriving at the hospital. The nurse that delivered Xander was working and came by my pre-op room and gave her condolences. She has also experienced loss and told me that if I can picture myself with a baby, then it WILL happen!
Dt. W was my OB when I was pregnant with Xander. Then I switched to Dr. D because he was the one who actually delivered Xander. Now Dr. W has been more apart of our loss experiences. I can honestly say I don't know who to go to anymore because they were both so kind during these horrible times. But right now I just want to focus on me and my relationship with my wonderful fiancée. Having another loss is so discouraging but I really can see us as a family with living children one day. I just don't know why it hasn't happened.
Monday I went in for a progesterone shot. Before I left my house for the appointment, I saw a few pink spots of blood when I used the restroom. I called to see if they could squeeze in an ultrasound while I was there. I should have been 7 weeks and 3 days which is far enough along to hear the heartbeat. I went alone since Rob was in Dallas for work. Right away I could tell something was wrong. The tech even looked concerned. She said the baby measured behind at 6 weeks 6 days and the heart was only beating 84 beats per minute. The first time we heard Xander's heart, it was 189 beats per minute! I saw Dr. D and he said I had a 50/50 chance of miscarriage. They still gave me my progesterone shot and ran my blood to do my weekly test of progesterone level. The next morning the nurse called and said my level was only at 6! It had dropped! I asked her why and she said she had no answers and scheduled me for an ultrasound on Wednesday. Originally we were going to give it a week and wait until Friday to do another ultrasound. I cried all day on Monday after my appointment and the phone call on Tuesday morning pretty much gave me the confirmation that the baby was passing or had already done so. I was going to stay on bed rest all week but I felt so alone so I went and saw Xander. All the way home I said out loud, "my baby will grow, my baby will live". About 30 minutes after I got home I went to the restroom and saw bright red blood. It was only a few spots but I was still worried. I called the on call after hours line for my OB since it was 5pm. The nurse actually called me from the office and said "Hi Laura. What's going on? Dr. W said you paged him".
I told her what happened and asked if Dr. W could meet me at the ER since the office was closed. She told me to wait until Wednesday since I had an appointment but I told her I just knew. She said she'd talk to Dr. W and call back. Well let me tell you, I have the best doctors ever! He was still in the office and called the ultrasound tech back in to do my ultrasound. I got there by 5:30pm. The four of us sat in the room quietly and we all saw it. No heart beat. Dr. W put his hand on my arm as the tech announced what we all knew. The baby had passed on. I had already made up my mind on what I would do if I were to miscarry since I pretty much knew on Monday that I would. I scheduled the D&C for the next morning.
Rob was able to make it home right on time to take me to pre-op. The surgery went well and I was able to go home just 4 short hours after arriving at the hospital. The nurse that delivered Xander was working and came by my pre-op room and gave her condolences. She has also experienced loss and told me that if I can picture myself with a baby, then it WILL happen!
Dt. W was my OB when I was pregnant with Xander. Then I switched to Dr. D because he was the one who actually delivered Xander. Now Dr. W has been more apart of our loss experiences. I can honestly say I don't know who to go to anymore because they were both so kind during these horrible times. But right now I just want to focus on me and my relationship with my wonderful fiancée. Having another loss is so discouraging but I really can see us as a family with living children one day. I just don't know why it hasn't happened.
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