The Future

I haven't posted about this on my blog yet...but I'm pregnant. I will be sixteen weeks tomorrow. I am due on April 29th 2012. It's so bittersweet being pregnant again. Everything has been 100% perfect but I'm still scared. I will be scared until the day this baby boy comes out screaming. I think about the day I will give birth to this little boy and my memories of my one and only other birth experience pop in my head.

A quiet delivery room. Everyone being afraid to say something. My legs being numbed by an epidural and having to ask for help to lift them then being told to push. But I didn't know how. I had to ask. It wasn't a ton of nurses by my side telling me to breathe and people taking pictures and encouraging me. It was me being told how to do it and me pushing too fast because I wanted to get it over with. Then not knowing that he had made it out. No scream. No "it's a boy!" Rob wasn't standing by waiting to cut the cord. I asked him if he wanted to and he did. I remember keeping my eyes closed the entire time and then opening them just to stare at the ceiling while the doctor felt to make sure everything came out. Then him showing me the torn placenta....the piece of shit that took Xander's life. The clots. Being told I didn't tear. Obviously, he was only 10 1/4 inches long and weighed in at 15.6 oz. Then being handed my son. My son with his eyes fused shut still. I didn't know what to think. He didn't look like what I expected. He looked normal. He had all 10 fingers and 10 toes. A nose. Two eyes. Lips. Two ears. Fingernails. And even a little hair.

But what about this time? I still don't know what to expect because I only know what birth is like being almost 22 weeks along. I imagine it will hurt more. I imagine there will be more encouraging words. I imagine crying happy tears. I imagine FINALLY hearing the sweet sound of the first cries. I imagine everyone saying "it's a boy!" By the way, why do they say that if you already know? I imagine he will have all 10 toes and 10 fingers. Two eyes. Two ears. A nose. Lips. This time I will get to see the color of his eyes. And see him wiggle. Can I handle that? All I know is death. Will he come out alive? Will he look like Xander? My questions about giving birth probably sound so weird compared to women who haven't had losses. I don't care if I tear. I don't care if I accidently go #2. I don't care about getting an epidural, although I'd prefer one. All I care about is having a baby that comes out screaming. That's all I want. Oh and to be able to take this baby home and watch him grow up.