It's been awhile since I've posted because I've been busy with my rainbow Elijah! He was born screaming on Easter Sunday (April 8th) via c-section at 9:49am. To make a long story short he had a collapsed lung and was rushed out of the OR before I was even stitched up. I didn't get to hold him until he was over a day old and after a 9 day stay in the NICU he was cleared with a clean bill of health and we were able to take him home. He is now over 3 months old and healthy as can be. We've had our ups and downs with being unsuccessful at breast feeding, problems with formula and a diagnosis of reflux but I think we finally have it under control now.
After losing Xander and then the miscarriage that followed a few months after his death, I swore I would never complain about having a crying baby because well, at least the baby would be alive. And going through Elijah's NICU stay made that feeling even stronger. Seeing on x-rays that your baby's heart is being shifted because of a pocket of air in his lung isn't exactly an easy thing to go through. So when we brought him home and I tried and tried to breast feed him and he would just scream and scream....my patience was tested. I spent his first weeks home in tears, even after the switch to formula to relieve some stress I was carrying. He wasn't gaining enough weight by his first well baby check up and I cried every time I thought of breast feeding so we decided formula was better. Well then he started spitting up. Then that turned to vomit....then he began choking on his vomit. Then he refused bottles. Not to mention the three different types of bottles we tried before an amazing friend suggested Born Free bottles to us (thanks again, Heather!!!).
We were in and out of the pediatrician's office every single week until a few weeks ago. He's 14 weeks now. Not to mention I had a c-section which is a very serious surgery and I never let myself heal. I wasn't going to leave my baby alone in the NICU so multiple times a day I walked from my room to his on the level above where my room was. I got released before him so Rob and I would spend breakfast-eleven pm in the NICU every day. Once we got home I felt so-so and my incision was healing nicely. Then Rob went out of town a couple of times and the second time he was gone my incision broke open. I was in serious pain for about 8 weeks after Elijah's birth. Annnnyway...where am I going with this?
Oh yeah, I would never complain. I don't think I realized how tough motherhood is. I thought I would have a vaginal delivery, then it turned into a c-section which worried me because of the recovery for me. Then Eli went to the NICU. Then he had problems eating pretty much until a week or so ago. At the end of the day I knew I wouldn't get much sleep but then he started refusing to nap. He fights me every single time and cries so hard he chokes. If I didn't have Elijah and I was reading this from an outside perspective I'd probably be rolling my eyes or cussing me out or thinking I'm ungrateful. But really....it's so hard! (duh it's hard) But it's really trying some days.
I LOVE Elijah with all my heart and not a day goes by that I don't think of the hell we went through the past 18 months to get here. And every time he looks at me and smiles with his big blue eyes I go back to that question I still wonder...what color eyes did Xander have? I remember what it feels like to have empty arms and even though my arms usually have Elijah in them, they ache to hold Xander. Because I wanted Xander and only got to hold him a few times before he was taken away from me. When Elijah was born and they rushed him away from me....oh God. I kept wondering if the 30 seconds I spent looking at him struggling to breathe would be the only time I saw him alive.
I thank God every day for what he has blessed me with. A beautiful living baby boy and a beautiful angel baby boy in Heaven. I thank God for giving me the chance to have more babies after Xander. Elijah isn't a replacement but he is definitely helping me heal. But in some ways he brings up a lot of grief that I've never felt. Watching him accomplish new things and watching him grow I always wonder what Xander would be like...more than ever now. Would he get the same squinty eyes when he'd smile like Elijah does? Would he have the same dimples? Then when I see brothers close in age it makes my heart hurt that not only am Rob and I missing out on having two boys, but Elijah is missing out on getting to know his older brother. Would Xander be more of a caretaker to Elijah or give him tough love?
Having a rainbow doesn't erase the memories or the emotions that I had right after losing Xander. If anything I think TIME has healed me more than anything. The more time that passes the more I am at peace with where Xander is. I know I will never know the answers to the questions I have about him. Or the answer to why me? Why Rob? Why the thousands of women who lose their baby, especially their first baby, every single year? Why any one? Why do babies die before they get a chance to live? I think it will always remain a mystery. Maybe one day I can ask Jesus. But by then, will it matter? I'll be with my baby again.
