Our Story

Hi, everyone.

Our names are Laura and Rob and we lost our son as he was born still on Thursday January 13, 2011 when I was 21 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I (Laura) was diagnosed with partial placental abruption when I was 11 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I began to bleed very heavily on Monday November 1, 2010 and Rob rushed me to the ER. That is when they made the diagnosis. The next day I was put on strict bed rest at home and we had weekly ultrasounds to track my healing and our son's growth. He was unaffected by it until it was too late. Up until that day everything was perfect! His little heart kept beating away until 1 hour before he was born. He was growing a week ahead at one point and was in the 70th percentile for his gestational age. At 15 weeks we found out we were having a boy! He was not shy at all!

I want to share our story because I want people to know that it is okay to talk about the loss of a still born. I never imagined how it would feel...(who can?) but I have felt at peace. Don't get me wrong, I am not not feeling horrible...I cry most of my days away thinking of my first and only son. You never think it can or will happen to you. You never imagine that your pregnancy will be anything BUT perfect. I imagined complaining about stretch marks and morning sickness...not worries of losing my son and having to pray every night that his heart was still beating. I think I cried after every ultrasound seeing his little heart beat away, fast and strong. And his kicks were so strong for how little he was. He did have really big feet though. He was just starting to respond to our voices. Any time Rob put his hand on my belly and said "Xander it's your dad!" he would kick HARD. I know he had a strong personality already. He was stubborn and a goof ball.

It is so hard not to blame myself. When you carry another person's life in your body and it's lost...you feel like hell. You can't help but to beat yourself up and think "what did I do wrong...why did my body fail on my son"? I know there was nothing left for me to do. It was left in God's hands at that point. I had been on bed rest only getting up to go see the OB or use the restroom and shower. Xander and I put up a good fight. Every time I had an ER visit I was reminded of the slim chances I had. But I knew in my heart that we would fight as long as possible. Towards the last few weeks though I was feeling really down and had a feeling something terrible would happen. There was a point when I told Rob I didn't think I could do it any longer. And I keep wondering that maybe if I hadn't said those words, that maybe I would still be fighting for his life.

There are a lot of things I wonder about and question. I have been replaying my entire pregnancy (we found out at 6 weeks) over and over and over in my head. I keep thinking "well maybe if I never said that...." or "God, why did I ever think that" but I know that thoughts cannot control the outcome of anything. But still whenever you have a loss like this, especially from the mom's point of view when your body is in charge of keeping your baby safe, it's only natural to think these things. All of the doctors and nurses kept reminding us that there was nothing we could have done but I would have given my life if it meant saving our son's.