I know I've brought this up before but it was so soon after losing Xander that I think I need to go at it again....now that I'm far from that angry stage.
What not to say after a parent has suffered a stillborn.
1) You will be a good mom/dad SOME day.
--I don't know why, but this one always pops to the front of my mind. It's an insult. As a woman, a mother, I have just birthed a baby but I'm not a mom? I may not be a PARENT but I am still a mom and my husband is definitely a father. This one most often applies to moms and dads whose first baby is stillborn and therefore they aren't considered a mom or dad because they have no other children besides the one that has passed.
2) It was for the best.
--A baby dying is never for the best. Regardless of whether or not a baby was "planned" or not planned, it's never for the best. The death of a baby seems like a cruel joke. An innocent life, literally innocent, never even took a breath outside....it's just cruel.
3) It was God's plan.
--God or no God, to think a baby's death was a plan? C'mon now. That doesn't even make sense.
4) I know how you feel, my dog/bunny/cat died.
--Uhhh yeah. Seriously, people have said this. I don't even think it needs an explanation.
5) I know how you feel, I had an abortion.
--This is just as bad as comparing it to a family pet's death. Medical reasons or not...an abortion is not the same as giving birth to death.
6) I know how you feel......blah blah blah.
--Unless your "I know how you feel" is followed by "my son/daughter was also stillborn" then no, you don't know how I feel.
What to say to someone who has suffered a stillborn.
1) I'm sorry.
--You can never go wrong with this.
2) What did you name him/her?
--You will never believe how important it is to hear others say our baby's names out loud and refer to them as the people they were.
3) What time can I come over? I'd like to clean/cook/bring food/take out your garbage.
--Mundane tasks are the hardest to get done. Moving an inch feels like running a mile. Grief takes a toll on you physically. Don't let them get away with telling you they don't need help. They may not realize it but it's a huge sigh of relief to have someone take care of things for you.
4) This isn't something to say, but what to do.
--Don't stop calling them. Leave voice-mails and send text messages and e-mails to let them know you are still thinking of them....days, weeks, months and years later. Even if they don't answer them, they will read them.
Losing an infant is devastating. Many times people mean well but over think things that come out wrong. Don't over think it. Keep it simple. Remember, when you lose your baby you lose a life time of dreams. These parents have most likely held their babies and named them and taken pictures of them. These are the only memories they will ever have. Be there for them. Don't just be there the first days or weeks. Be there for them forever. The memories will never leave. We love hearing our baby's names and knowing that people recognize them for what they were, people. Just listen. You don't have to say a thing.
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