Pushing Ourselves Too Much!

Rob and I received a swing as a gift a few weeks back. Tonight we (I) decided it'd be a good idea to go return it and get the ShirnkxHips belt and some more Bio-Oil. We hadn't opened the swing so we hadn't grown too attached to it like the clothes we bought for him. We waited to go until almost 8pm because I figured there wouldn't be too many babies there(at Babies r Us)...oh.my.gosh. The lady was having a hard time looking it up to see how much we should get back (sale price, etc) but I didn't care obviously. I just wanted to get rid of it and get the stuff and leave. She kept apologizing and kids were crying and people were pregnant and registering and she asked why we hadn't registered and why we were returning it etc. I just felt an anxiety attack building up and kept telling her to just give us whatever price. I twisted my ankle by walking too fast to get the Bio-Oil which is of course in the back of the store so you have to walk by EVERYTHING. We got in the car and just sighed a sigh of relief. I was about to lose it. I don't think we will go anywhere tomorrow.

It's like we don't want to just sit around and not go anywhere, but you can't go anywhere without seeing someone pregnant, a newborn baby or a mom and dad. But even just sitting at home even though he was never physically here...everything reminds me of him. Even string cheese and oranges reminds me of him because that's what I was craving in the end. Of course I craved a lot of food so everything reminds me of him. And we had just cleaned out Rob's man cave to turn into a nursery so now we have an empty room. We are fine during the day but by nighttime we are both just so physically and emotionally drain that we break down. Rob kinda seemed snappy towards me or at least that's how I took it just by the sound in his voice so I asked him if he was mad at me and told him it seemed like it. He said he wasn't mad at me nor was he trying to sound snappy. Then he went into our bedroom and shut the door. I went in with tissues and ended up balling my eyes out. I asked him what was wrong and if he was mad at me and he wasn't. I think we both pushed ourselves too far today and weren't voicing how we felt and were starting to take things in the wrong way from each other. I was so distracted by my pain that I thought he was being snappy when he wasn't. Once I laid my head on his shoulder and told him what I was feeling, I lost it. Everything I had held in was being released out. I have been thinking of the moment they told me I'd be delivering all day. It just keeps replaying. It's like I'm waiting to wake up still.

This can't be real. And because of all the drugs they gave me I barely remember pushing and giving birth. I wish I didn't "have" to get an epidural. I had been up for 24 hours and hadn't had anything to eat in more than 12. I was looking at the pictures of me holding Xander after he was born and I barely remember it. I was apparently pushing too fast (how can you push too fast?) and the doctor told me to slow down. I don't remember it. All I remember is my hands feeling my thighs when I was holding them but I couldn't feel anything touching my thighs. Then I looked at my doctor and told him I had no idea how to push and they told me to bare down and count to 10. And for some reason I was counting backwards...10, 9, 8 ,7...and before I knew it he was out. And the room was silent. I looked at Rob and asked if it was scary. My water hadn't broken and they didn't break it so he was still in it. I don't remember seeing the nurses take him I just remember my doctor cleaning me up and pressing on my stomach like it was another normal delivery. I just had tunnel vision. I don't remember Xander being handed to me. I don't remember anything really. It makes me so sad.

I was chatting with one of the girls from babycenter earlier and she said she admired my strength. I know that the words I write that end up on people's computer screen seem like a strong women trying to encourage others. But I am breaking down too. No one..well except Rob...sees the tears I cry when I write. Or how long it takes me to put my stories into words. I just think that helping others and trying to relate to other women will also help my healing process. Just to know I'm not alone and that these feelings are normal or what anyone can qualify as normal for the situation.

I can't wait to start trying again. I wish I could be put into a coma until I start ovulating again. I don't care if nothing tastes good at first or how little sleep I get from having to pee all night or even if I get constipated. The feeling of having a baby made it all better at the end of the day. I just feel so empty physically. Like a big piece of me is missing. I guess technically something is.