A True Gift

I have been doing a lot of reading on Faces of Loss it's an excellent website. And one of the stories I read was about a woman who started a fundraiser after losing her daughter. One of the prizes at one of her fundraisers was a 4D ultrasound. This story is amazing.....

"Teresa's pregnancy went by without circumstance.  At thirty weeks, she was debating using the 4D ultrasound they had won, or perhaps giving it to other friends of ours who hadn't been able find out the gender of their child.  She decided to use it and came straight to my house to show me pictures of her beautiful son right after.  In conversation, she casually mentioned that the technician had expressed concern at the possibility of seeing an issue with the baby's heart.  Having the experience that I had, I was adamant about Teresa following up with her regular doctor.  After extensive testing and ultrasounds, they did indeed find that there was a heart defect and a plan was made for the baby's birth and after care. "

The quote was taken directly from her story which you can read on the main page of the link I posted. Just scroll down until you see where it says "Story of HOPE".

Since Xander's passing I just felt this need that it happened to me that way I can help other Mom's during this time. Stillborns aren't really something that people talk about. But the more I bring up my story the more I hear other people's. And it is horrible. I think it really hit me the first time we went to the cemetery and I saw all of the baby headstones. It's tragic. No one should ever have to bury or in our case cremate, their child. Let alone their baby.

Reading the story about Scarlette Rose and how her mother chose to deal with things realized that is what I want to do. I want to start something like that in my area. I want to help other women but more specifically in time of loss. I want to help raise money to pay other people's hospital bills because that is something that really pisses me off. I didn't bring home my son so why should I have to pay? Aren't I suffering enough? I dread the day the bills will start flowing in...and I plan to fight all of them. So maybe not even raise money to help pay bills but find ways to help FIGHT them.

I talked to my Mom about starting a fundraiser and she is going to help me. Honestly I have no idea where to start. But she used to do fundraisers so I can't wait to get this started! It is just another one of Xander's Gifts.

 

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all...SERIOUSLY!

I understand that knowing what to say to me may be hard. Hell, some days I feel lucky if someone has the balls to talk to me. (Currently in the anger stage of grief) BUT.... 

PLEASE::::If you have any 2nd guesses about the words you are about to say and how they may sound, just shut your mouth before you have the chance to speak.

Things like this fall into that category of "do not say to a grieving parent, particularly a grieving mother":

1.(And this is #1 because it pisses me off the most) You will be a good mother someday.

Uhm hello, I AM a Mom and Rob is a Dad! Xander will always be our son so why am I suddenly not a Mom? And by the way, I do expect to celebrate Mother's Day even though it will be hard considering Xander was due in May. I posted that this bothers me on the support board I am on and another Mom posted this and it really puts things in perspective. 

"No one would ever try to tell a woman who's only grown child was killed in an accident that she isn't a mother! It's an insult to our children, as much as it's an insult to us."

2. It will happen when you are ready. I was ready and I still am ready. So why did it not happen?

3. Maybe something was wrong with him. Tell me how a baby survives for almost 22 weeks inside of my belly with an umbilical cord that never attached to the placenta, but attached to the membranes. He was ever affected until it was too late and took his life. The placenta sucked, the cord placement sucked but my son was perfect.

4. Maybe God took him to save him from further pain in his life. I am religious. But who knows why this happened? And it doesn't make things any better knowing that you think my son would have lived a tragic life. Thanks.

5. Just when people try to answer my questions. If I ask questions out loud about what happened to Xander please understand that they are purely rhetorical. I know I can never make sense of what happened and honestly do you really think you have the answers? I know most ideas start with maybe but have you ever stopped to think maybe you should just listen to me and give me a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen to me talk about my son?

I ran out of church this morning...

Rob and I hadn't been to church in a long time. With me, I was raised in a religion that showed me just how hypocritical it was when my parents divorced. We stopped going to church and I hadn't been back since. I wanted to wait until I was older...try to find my own relationship with God. That is always how Rob and I talked about how we would face religion with our children. We want to lead them in the direction we were in, but give them the option to find their own paths if that makes sense. Before I was put on bed rest we had discussed going back to church that way we had somewhere to go where we felt comfortable, before Xander was born. Well bed rest kind of prevented that.

Five years ago or so my Mom found a new church that was mainly non-denominational. I had gone a few times and liked it. During my whole pregnancy I felt as though I had built a better connection with God and felt blessed with the days He gave me with Xander. With Xander's passing I have turned to God to give me strength to keep on and to keep Xander's memory alive and celebrating his short lived life inside my belly. I asked Rob if he would go to church with me this morning to the place my Mom went. The church has expanded and moved into a HUGE new building. I felt really intimidated just driving up to it. It has a shuttle to drive you back to your car in a far away parking lot! I mean this place was PACKED! But the Pastor is so nice and you can tell he speaks from his heart and truly believes what he preaches. Also it is more modern which is nice. Every time I go to church which is less than I like to admit, he seems to talk about something I am going through in life at that moment. Well this morning they started with a song, then the Pastor said "today is the day of celebrating life! We are pro-life here..." and I could feel the tears welding up..."let's bring up the families celebrating life and dedicating our lives to God..." I saw through my teary eyes...proud Moms and Dads carrying their babies to the stage...to dedicate their lives to God...to keep faith going in their families. I turned to Rob and asked if we could go.

I ran out of church.

I ran to the doors leading into the lobby, I ran across the lobby which is HUGE and felt everyone's eyes from the previous service beaming me...probably wondering why this woman is running across a church lobby...in tears. Once outside I just wanted to fall to the ground. I want to know why that happened. Why did we choose today to go...the day they celebrate life and my son's life was just taken....the one Sunday a month they do this. While those proud Moms and Dads were getting their children, the ones that they can hold, prayed for...we drove up the road to the cemetery...and visited our baby. I just miss him so badly and would give ANYTHING to be one of those Moms...lucky enough to hold their child in their arms every day. My arms ache for Xander. My arms are empty. My arms are the empty arms of a Mother with a torn heart. No words can describe the pain and emptiness I feel inside. And to think some people...the decisions they make...it makes me so mad! I want my son back.

The song I sang to Xander

When pregnant with Xander I heard this song. It melted my heart because it's exactly how I felt and still feel about him. I just listened to it for the first time since the day he was born sleeping and turned into my angel. It makes me so sad because I wasn't able to give him more than I get...like it says in the song. I used to sing it to him everyday when he was in my belly.

I think that it hurts because I was on strict bed rest for 2 1/2 months fighting for his life. We were such an amazing team and I just wish it would have lasted longer. I'd be on bed rest for the rest of my life if it meant keeping him alive. A lot of people asked me, when I was still pregnant, if once Xander was born, I would be okay with getting pregnant again considering all my problems with pregnancy. I had placental abruption at 11 weeks and in the weeks following my cervix shortened and I was diagnosed with a dynamic cervix. They were going to give me a cerclage, a stitch in the cervix to keep it shut, but the bleeding made it dangerous. A week before we had Xander, my bleeding had stopped almost completely and they were considering doing the cerclage. But then it started again. My cervix also had a lot of funneling. I wonder if the cerclage would have helped. But then I know either way, my placenta would probably still detach and things would have ended the way they did anyway. I just miss him so so much. I wish I was still pregnant with him, even if it meant staying on bed rest until May. I wish I could have held on just a little bit longer...then maybe he would be here in person and not just in spirit.

Last night I dreamt that we had another baby boy. It wasn't Xander but I still loved him just as much and know that Xander was in my dreams, giving me peaceful dreams of being pregnant and having a successful pregnancy. I feel him all around me and am reminded of him by everything I see. It's just hard to remember to be happy by these memories and not saddened by the ones that will never happen.

Today's Gift from Xander, our angel

Gifts from our angel. It's like he knew that his Mommy was feeling really really down today and needed a sign that he is and always will be with us. I usually don't even open fortune cookies when we order take out. And when I do, I don't eat the whole cookie. I couldn't help myself tonight. 

I think this gave me the biggest smile I've had since I've seen his little precious body. Especially his precious little feet.

....And then it hits you like a ton of bricks

The first 48 hours after Xander's passing I was in such a daze that I don't think it fully hit me. I was trying to be positive and look at the things that Xander has given me in my life. Like how he taught me how powerful my body can be...keeping him alive longer than anyone thought I could. And how a little kick can light up your life and just how precious being pregnant is and how much of a blessing it is to be able to get pregnant so fast. And how even though his life didn't last outside the womb, I still witnessed many firsts from him. The first time he kicked, the first time he grabbed onto something with his hands...the first time he sucked his thumb.

But today is a different story. I had dreams where I kept having to tell everyone we had just lost our son. How his life was taken before it was given. I kept waking up but every time I fell back asleep I had the same dream of repeating what happened. And just losing it....that feeling followed me into today. I just want to sleep. I don't want to shower. I don't want to move. I feel so guilty today. I wonder why my body failed. Why did it end this way? Why can't I feel him kick any more? Why did I only get 24 hours with him? I want to hold him again. I want to feel his smooth skin with his light blonde hair...I want to know what color his eyes would have been.

I had so many plans for us. I had just started to write him letters. I explained how stubborn he was already being and how much trouble he had already been causing. I remember thinking about the day I would get to tell his wife about how much trouble he liked to cause his Mommy but how much I always loved him anyway. And how much I still and always will love him. I wish I could have heard his first laugh or even that first cry....I wish I would have been able to comfort him and make him happy again. I just wish we had more time together.

Pushing Ourselves Too Much!

Rob and I received a swing as a gift a few weeks back. Tonight we (I) decided it'd be a good idea to go return it and get the ShirnkxHips belt and some more Bio-Oil. We hadn't opened the swing so we hadn't grown too attached to it like the clothes we bought for him. We waited to go until almost 8pm because I figured there wouldn't be too many babies there(at Babies r Us)...oh.my.gosh. The lady was having a hard time looking it up to see how much we should get back (sale price, etc) but I didn't care obviously. I just wanted to get rid of it and get the stuff and leave. She kept apologizing and kids were crying and people were pregnant and registering and she asked why we hadn't registered and why we were returning it etc. I just felt an anxiety attack building up and kept telling her to just give us whatever price. I twisted my ankle by walking too fast to get the Bio-Oil which is of course in the back of the store so you have to walk by EVERYTHING. We got in the car and just sighed a sigh of relief. I was about to lose it. I don't think we will go anywhere tomorrow.

It's like we don't want to just sit around and not go anywhere, but you can't go anywhere without seeing someone pregnant, a newborn baby or a mom and dad. But even just sitting at home even though he was never physically here...everything reminds me of him. Even string cheese and oranges reminds me of him because that's what I was craving in the end. Of course I craved a lot of food so everything reminds me of him. And we had just cleaned out Rob's man cave to turn into a nursery so now we have an empty room. We are fine during the day but by nighttime we are both just so physically and emotionally drain that we break down. Rob kinda seemed snappy towards me or at least that's how I took it just by the sound in his voice so I asked him if he was mad at me and told him it seemed like it. He said he wasn't mad at me nor was he trying to sound snappy. Then he went into our bedroom and shut the door. I went in with tissues and ended up balling my eyes out. I asked him what was wrong and if he was mad at me and he wasn't. I think we both pushed ourselves too far today and weren't voicing how we felt and were starting to take things in the wrong way from each other. I was so distracted by my pain that I thought he was being snappy when he wasn't. Once I laid my head on his shoulder and told him what I was feeling, I lost it. Everything I had held in was being released out. I have been thinking of the moment they told me I'd be delivering all day. It just keeps replaying. It's like I'm waiting to wake up still.

This can't be real. And because of all the drugs they gave me I barely remember pushing and giving birth. I wish I didn't "have" to get an epidural. I had been up for 24 hours and hadn't had anything to eat in more than 12. I was looking at the pictures of me holding Xander after he was born and I barely remember it. I was apparently pushing too fast (how can you push too fast?) and the doctor told me to slow down. I don't remember it. All I remember is my hands feeling my thighs when I was holding them but I couldn't feel anything touching my thighs. Then I looked at my doctor and told him I had no idea how to push and they told me to bare down and count to 10. And for some reason I was counting backwards...10, 9, 8 ,7...and before I knew it he was out. And the room was silent. I looked at Rob and asked if it was scary. My water hadn't broken and they didn't break it so he was still in it. I don't remember seeing the nurses take him I just remember my doctor cleaning me up and pressing on my stomach like it was another normal delivery. I just had tunnel vision. I don't remember Xander being handed to me. I don't remember anything really. It makes me so sad.

I was chatting with one of the girls from babycenter earlier and she said she admired my strength. I know that the words I write that end up on people's computer screen seem like a strong women trying to encourage others. But I am breaking down too. No one..well except Rob...sees the tears I cry when I write. Or how long it takes me to put my stories into words. I just think that helping others and trying to relate to other women will also help my healing process. Just to know I'm not alone and that these feelings are normal or what anyone can qualify as normal for the situation.

I can't wait to start trying again. I wish I could be put into a coma until I start ovulating again. I don't care if nothing tastes good at first or how little sleep I get from having to pee all night or even if I get constipated. The feeling of having a baby made it all better at the end of the day. I just feel so empty physically. Like a big piece of me is missing. I guess technically something is.

Our Story

Hi, everyone.

Our names are Laura and Rob and we lost our son as he was born still on Thursday January 13, 2011 when I was 21 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I (Laura) was diagnosed with partial placental abruption when I was 11 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I began to bleed very heavily on Monday November 1, 2010 and Rob rushed me to the ER. That is when they made the diagnosis. The next day I was put on strict bed rest at home and we had weekly ultrasounds to track my healing and our son's growth. He was unaffected by it until it was too late. Up until that day everything was perfect! His little heart kept beating away until 1 hour before he was born. He was growing a week ahead at one point and was in the 70th percentile for his gestational age. At 15 weeks we found out we were having a boy! He was not shy at all!

I want to share our story because I want people to know that it is okay to talk about the loss of a still born. I never imagined how it would feel...(who can?) but I have felt at peace. Don't get me wrong, I am not not feeling horrible...I cry most of my days away thinking of my first and only son. You never think it can or will happen to you. You never imagine that your pregnancy will be anything BUT perfect. I imagined complaining about stretch marks and morning sickness...not worries of losing my son and having to pray every night that his heart was still beating. I think I cried after every ultrasound seeing his little heart beat away, fast and strong. And his kicks were so strong for how little he was. He did have really big feet though. He was just starting to respond to our voices. Any time Rob put his hand on my belly and said "Xander it's your dad!" he would kick HARD. I know he had a strong personality already. He was stubborn and a goof ball.

It is so hard not to blame myself. When you carry another person's life in your body and it's lost...you feel like hell. You can't help but to beat yourself up and think "what did I do wrong...why did my body fail on my son"? I know there was nothing left for me to do. It was left in God's hands at that point. I had been on bed rest only getting up to go see the OB or use the restroom and shower. Xander and I put up a good fight. Every time I had an ER visit I was reminded of the slim chances I had. But I knew in my heart that we would fight as long as possible. Towards the last few weeks though I was feeling really down and had a feeling something terrible would happen. There was a point when I told Rob I didn't think I could do it any longer. And I keep wondering that maybe if I hadn't said those words, that maybe I would still be fighting for his life.

There are a lot of things I wonder about and question. I have been replaying my entire pregnancy (we found out at 6 weeks) over and over and over in my head. I keep thinking "well maybe if I never said that...." or "God, why did I ever think that" but I know that thoughts cannot control the outcome of anything. But still whenever you have a loss like this, especially from the mom's point of view when your body is in charge of keeping your baby safe, it's only natural to think these things. All of the doctors and nurses kept reminding us that there was nothing we could have done but I would have given my life if it meant saving our son's.