It's been awhile

It's been far too long since I've written anything. It's almost been 2 months since we've lost Xander now. And to put those 2 months into words is near impossible. I don't remember what my last post was about so forgive me if I repeat anything.

Dr. D ran tests on my blood and everything came back fine. I had 19 viles drawn to test for blood clotting disorders and autoimmune diseases and as he said, "on paper, I look healthy". Apparently my body just needs to stop being so "special" and start to be normal. I am on a low dose aspirin which will help my overall blood flow and helps the placenta grow. I need to start it now that way whenever we starting trying again in one month, my body will be ready. I'm still taking a prenatal vitamin and have began to work out again which feels amazing. Bed rest takes such a toll on your body. My muscles had turned into mush and my stamina is beyond low. At first I started with just walking and have now worked my way up to lifting weights and pilates and continuing my light cardio to help my blood flow.

Emotionally I am a train wreck still. I am fine one day then will spend the next 2 days crying. Now that we have a plan to try again and know when we will begin to try, everything is more surreal. I can't believe I lost Xander. I can't believe that pregnancy--something meant to be full of happiness and morning sickness--was terrifying, stressful and ended in death, not a new life. It tears me apart knowing his heart stopped beating inside of me. Knowing that my body and his life just weren't meant to be together here on Earth. I would give anything to hold him again. Despite the fact his heart had stopped beating, his body was still so warm against mine. I would have died if it meant saving his life. Even if we were to never meet here on Earth, his life was more deserving than mine. I have already seen enough. He never had the chance. All he knew was being inside my womb, wishfully kicking me, reassuring me he was still alive and happy. Until his kicks and his heart slowly stopped.

Pregnancy will never be full of happiness for me. I am no longer jaded and naive about the possibilities of pregnancy. It isn't love=sex=pregnancy=baby.
Now, for me, it's
love=sex=most terrifying 9 months of my life=possibility of happy, living baby.

Nothing in life is promised. Life isn't even promised. And it sucks.