Thinking back to the day we lost him seems like a distant memory. Almost like a dream. Rob and I decided to give each other 5 minutes alone with Xander. I held him as close as I could to me and cried and cried and cried. I could barely get the words out that I was dying to tell him. I remember my tears kept rolling off of my chin onto his forehead. I finally worked up the courage to write him a letter of all of those words I wish I could have said that day but kept getting too choked up to speak them out loud.
My Dearest Xander,
I have been wanting to write you a letter for oh so long. I actually started writing you letters when you were still alive in my belly. I thought about how we would laugh about how stressed you made me from the very beginning but it would all be okay because you were my warrior and fought until the very end. I thought that I would get to read those letters to your wife one day and we would get to tease you about being so stubborn and being such a boy that would grow into an incredible man. I had thoughts of your first day at home, your first car ride, your first soccer game, your first day of school, your high school prom, high school graduation and the day I would send you off to college. I thought about how you would be an amazing older brother. I even thought about potty training you because I was so terrified to try to potty train a boy since we don't have the same "equipment". I wondered if you would like Spiderman or Batman better and hoped your first word would be "mama". I cried every day when I was pregnant. I didn't have the best pregnancy. It all started with back pain at 10 weeks. Then bleeding and a diagnosis of partial abruption at 11 weeks. Then strict bed rest from 11 weeks until the day we lost you at 21 weeks 5 days.
But I cherished every day with you. I am so sorry I told God that if something bad were to happen, for Him to just make it happen so I wouldn't get attached. I regret that every day. But I hope you can forgive me and know that I loved you ever since I saw those 2 pink lines on the pregnancy test. I just knew that you wouldn't make it. I told myself every day that you would but deep down I knew not to get my hopes up. In the ER, the doctors always told me that it didn't matter, that you only had a 50% chance or less of making it. But I always told them that they were wrong. That you are the biggest miracle and that you would surprise them one day. I wish I could say I was right. I wish that you were still growing inside of my belly. I would be 31w3d. I would be having my baby shower in a week and setting up your nursery. But instead I am writing this letter to you and will be bringing it to the memorial bench where you are buried.
I miss you every day my sweet Xander. You will always be Mommy and Daddy's first baby ever. You will always be the first grand child, nephew and cousin. And when the day comes that we have more children, you will always be their big brother. They will always know who Xander is. I can't even begin to tell you how much my heart hurts. There is a part of it that is missing. That's why I left you the Snoopy holding the heart..as a symbol of the piece that belongs to you, my son. I hope that one day we will meet again. I hope that the first word I hear you say will be "mama". Daddy and I had a running bet on what your first word would be. Don't let me down.
This is from a book called "Love You Forever". I couldn't wait to read it to you.
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be.
Love always,
Mommy
"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy."
No comments:
Post a Comment