I can't sleep anymore. I wake up every 20 minutes and I can tell it's affecting Rob's sleep too. My Ambien doesn't even keep me dreaming. Maybe it's because I am not having dreams I am having nightmares. Everyone (in my "dreams") just tells me how it's my fault he's gone. It's like in a movie...where someone is standing in the middle of a circle full of people and the room is spinning and they are all shouting negative things about the person in the center.
I feel like all of my relationships are ruined. No one talks to me anymore unless I am the one to start the conversation. And forget bringing up the fact we lost Xander. It's just like I can see the expression on their face as soon as I say "ever since we lost Xander...." or anything similar, their face goes from smile to frown. Like, is this girl still talking about that? Yes. Yes I am and I always will. Just because you can block it out doesn't mean I can. And honestly I never want to forget Xander because that would be dishonoring my own son. Would you dishonor your child's life? Living or not? And why frown when I bring him up. It is obviously beyond sad what happened but I don't want my son to see his Mommy sad when she talks about him. I can be happy when I talk about him and I hope you can be too. He was amazing. He had a personality. He was stubborn for one thing. At every ultrasound he would squirm and kick and give the tech a hard time. And I know he was caring. Anytime I would worry about him, he would give me a nice big kick in the stomach to remind me that was still there...alive and kicking. He also loved his Dad. Anytime Rob would set his hand on my perfectly round pregnant belly, and say "Xander", he would respond by kicking at Rob's hand.
He was and still is and always will be...my pride and joy. And no matter how much I feel like my body failed it didn't in a way...because even though we lost him, my body still made him. And at least I can say that.
