So much to say

Where do I start? I probably should have started writing this days ago. Ever since our latest lost last week I have done a lot of self evaluation. Like what I want to do with my life. 


Growing up, I had a LOT of dreams and aspirations. I wanted to start my own "bath and body" line. Not like the store, but that type of stuff. Lotion, body spray, perfume and soap. I wanted one of those make your own soap kits growing up but never got one. I wanted to major in chemistry. Then I started playing basketball. I was bound and determined after my 7th grade tournament and being told I had to play on all the different level teams because they needed me, that I was for sure WNBA material. Then I decided I wanted to focus on cosmetology and become a hair stylist or make up artist for movie stars. So I actually perused that dream. Then we had to move and pay for 2 apartments at once so I took a break from school and worked. Then I went back. Then my Grandma passed away. I went back to school after her funeral and just could not focus. I left once and for all. That school sucked anyway. 


My family always made jokes that I'd be the girl sitting at the bar, throwing back beers with the boys. Ha! Boy, were they wrong. I still love hair & make up. And I hate beer. I'd still love to work and live in LA or New York or Paris. I'd love to study there. 


But whenever you lose two babies, something that rarely happens and usually women experience no problems at all, it's hard to believe that you can do anything. I would love to follow my dreams but right now my biggest dream is to have a kicking, screaming, crying baby to hold in my arms and not just in my heart. To be able to take a baby home and teach it things and celebrate their birthdays where they can be there to blow out the birthday candles. I should be finishing up Xander's nursery and packing my hospital bags for when I go into labor.


But I've already done that. And I was never given a chance to buy stuff for his nursery. I was never able to pack my hospital bags. I was never able to hear the sweet screams of my baby. Neither of them. I am just now approaching my first due date and have had not just one loss, but two. Rob and I already talked about waiting 6 months before trying again. I know I should, I know I should lose the weight, but I just want a baby! I can't believe I've already been pregnant twice. I honestly thought I'd never have kids this young either but now I know that waiting will probably just put me at a higher risk now. I just don't know what else to do with myself. I haven't worked since November and I don't think I am emotionally stable enough yet to start working. Ugh. This sucks.