When Your Husband Cuddles With a Teddy Bear

Some nights Rob cuddles with a teddy bear. Some people may find this strange so let me explain...

When Xander died we were given the choice of two teddy bears from the hospital. One was a medium size, over stuffed looking teddy bear and the other was smaller...thinner....and had a red heart stitched over it's chest. It was clear which one we wanted. The smaller one. The smaller one was, well is, the same size as Xander. About 10 inches long and weighs as light as a feather, probably just under a pound. When we first came home I found I didn't know what to do with the bear. Rob set it between our pillows on our bed and it soon had a name: Xander Bear. When I would cry Rob would hand me Xander Bear and I got instant relief. It temporarily healed my empty arm syndrome. I hold that bear and memories of holding Xander run through my head. And if I relax enough....I can smell Xander and remember the texture of his skin and the temperature of his body. 

Rob and I haven't discussed what Xander Bear does to Rob, if it has the same effect on him but I imagine it does. Last night Rob was having a hard time sleeping and I placed Xander Bear in his arms and within minutes he fell asleep. It made me realize just how sad it is...that we have a bear to hold and not our son. Instead of taking pictures of Rob holding our infant son while sleeping, I think about taking pictures of Rob sleeping while holding a bear. It's the closest thing we have to Xander. Most wives love pictures of their husbands holding their baby while taking a nap and I will never have a picture of Rob holding Xander while they both take a nap.

I stayed awake the rest of the night crying. Crying for my husband. Crying about all of the things he is missing out on. I think as a woman sometimes I feel like it hurts me more because I carried Xander and I felt him kick and I was the one on bed rest for 10 weeks. But I should be thankful I got that much time with Xander. I got to feel him alive on a daily basis. Rob felt a few of Xander's kicks but not many. Rob only knew what Xander's attitude was by the ultrasounds we got and what I told him. I got to fall asleep every night while cuddling Xander. It may have been through my belly but....still.

I'll never forget the pride and joy in Rob's eyes as he finally got to hold Xander. We both silently examined him looking for physical similarities. It was clear Xander took after his Daddy. His face was like a mirrored image of Rob. He even had the same facial expression. It breaks my heart to think about the missing pictures of Xander and Rob together. Pictures of their first fishing trip, working on cars together, Rob teaching Xander how to play soccer...the father-son moments that we will forever imagine but never experience.