Rob and I hadn't been to church in a long time. With me, I was raised in a religion that showed me just how hypocritical it was when my parents divorced. We stopped going to church and I hadn't been back since. I wanted to wait until I was older...try to find my own relationship with God. That is always how Rob and I talked about how we would face religion with our children. We want to lead them in the direction we were in, but give them the option to find their own paths if that makes sense. Before I was put on bed rest we had discussed going back to church that way we had somewhere to go where we felt comfortable, before Xander was born. Well bed rest kind of prevented that.
Five years ago or so my Mom found a new church that was mainly non-denominational. I had gone a few times and liked it. During my whole pregnancy I felt as though I had built a better connection with God and felt blessed with the days He gave me with Xander. With Xander's passing I have turned to God to give me strength to keep on and to keep Xander's memory alive and celebrating his short lived life inside my belly. I asked Rob if he would go to church with me this morning to the place my Mom went. The church has expanded and moved into a HUGE new building. I felt really intimidated just driving up to it. It has a shuttle to drive you back to your car in a far away parking lot! I mean this place was PACKED! But the Pastor is so nice and you can tell he speaks from his heart and truly believes what he preaches. Also it is more modern which is nice. Every time I go to church which is less than I like to admit, he seems to talk about something I am going through in life at that moment. Well this morning they started with a song, then the Pastor said "today is the day of celebrating life! We are pro-life here..." and I could feel the tears welding up..."let's bring up the families celebrating life and dedicating our lives to God..." I saw through my teary eyes...proud Moms and Dads carrying their babies to the stage...to dedicate their lives to God...to keep faith going in their families. I turned to Rob and asked if we could go.
I ran out of church.
I ran to the doors leading into the lobby, I ran across the lobby which is HUGE and felt everyone's eyes from the previous service beaming me...probably wondering why this woman is running across a church lobby...in tears. Once outside I just wanted to fall to the ground. I want to know why that happened. Why did we choose today to go...the day they celebrate life and my son's life was just taken....the one Sunday a month they do this. While those proud Moms and Dads were getting their children, the ones that they can hold, prayed for...we drove up the road to the cemetery...and visited our baby. I just miss him so badly and would give ANYTHING to be one of those Moms...lucky enough to hold their child in their arms every day. My arms ache for Xander. My arms are empty. My arms are the empty arms of a Mother with a torn heart. No words can describe the pain and emptiness I feel inside. And to think some people...the decisions they make...it makes me so mad! I want my son back.
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