Emotions

Rob and I seem to be thinking of Xander a lot lately. I think it has to do with the fact that realistically, I could be pregnant again. I (and I'm assuming Rob) are trying really hard not to get our hopes up. I am having symptoms but it's way too early to tell. I think just the idea that I could be pregnant is freaking me out. I am SO SO SO SO excited but so nervous! I am getting my progesterone levels checked on Friday. The results could also be a sign if I am pregnant or not. If they are high it could mean I have a bun in the oven. If not, well then there is always next month. I just hope that Xander knows he will forever be our baby. The one who was taken away way too soon. I would like nothing more than to just hold him and tell him over and over again how much I love and miss him.

Thinking back to the day we lost him seems like a distant memory. Almost like a dream. Rob and I decided to give each other 5 minutes alone with Xander. I held him as close as I could to me and cried and cried and cried. I could barely get the words out that I was dying to tell him. I remember my tears kept rolling off of my chin onto his forehead. I finally worked up the courage to write him a letter of all of those words I wish I could have said that day but kept getting too choked up to speak them out loud.

My Dearest Xander,

I have been wanting to write you a letter for oh so long. I actually started writing you letters when you were still alive in my belly. I thought about how we would laugh about how stressed you made me from the very beginning but it would all be okay because you were my warrior and fought until the very end. I thought that I would get to read those letters to your wife one day and we would get to tease you about being so stubborn and being such a boy that would grow into an incredible man. I had thoughts of your first day at home, your first car ride, your first soccer game, your first day of school, your high school prom, high school graduation and the day I would send you off to college. I thought about how you would be an amazing older brother. I even thought about potty training you because I was so terrified to try to potty train a boy since we don't have the same "equipment". I wondered if you would like Spiderman or Batman better and hoped your first word would be "mama". I cried every day when I was pregnant. I didn't have the best pregnancy. It all started with back pain at 10 weeks. Then bleeding and a diagnosis of partial abruption at 11 weeks. Then strict bed rest from 11 weeks until the day we lost you at 21 weeks 5 days.

But I cherished every day with you. I am so sorry I told God that if something bad were to happen, for Him to just make it happen so I wouldn't get attached. I regret that every day. But I hope you can forgive me and know that I loved you ever since I saw those 2 pink lines on the pregnancy test. I just knew that you wouldn't make it. I told myself every day that you would but deep down I knew not to get my hopes up. In the ER, the doctors always told me that it didn't matter, that you only had a 50% chance or less of making it. But I always told them that they were wrong. That you are the biggest miracle and that you would surprise them one day. I wish I could say I was right. I wish that you were still growing inside of my belly. I would be 31w3d. I would be having my baby shower in a week and setting up your nursery. But instead I am writing this letter to you and will be bringing it to the memorial bench where you are buried. 

I miss you every day my sweet Xander. You will always be Mommy and Daddy's first baby ever. You will always be the first grand child, nephew and cousin. And when the day comes that we have more children, you will always be their big brother. They will always know who Xander is. I can't even begin to tell you how much my heart hurts. There is a part of it that is missing. That's why I left you the Snoopy holding the heart..as a symbol of the piece that belongs to you, my son. I hope that one day we will meet again. I hope that the first word I hear you say will be "mama". Daddy and I had a running bet on what your first word would be. Don't let me down.

This is from a book called "Love You Forever". I couldn't wait to read it to you.

I'll love you forever,

I'll like you for always,

As long as I'm living

my baby you'll be.

Love always,

Mommy

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy."

Officially TTC

I am sssoooo scared! I am super excited though. I haven't told any one in my family that Rob and I got the official green light today at the doctor but now, I guess they know! I had a follicular ultrasound done and long story short, she said that I am ovulating and we can try this cycle! So crazy! I thought we wouldn't be able to until next month but everything looks fine and she said mainly, however long we wait is up to us. It's how we feel in our hearts not how we look medically.

These past few days have been crazy. I've been riding this constant emotional roller coaster. Up, down, up down it never ends! I just can't believe how long it has been already. I miss Xander so much and the journey of TTC makes it even harder. I am ready but I guess it just sets in the reality more that he is gone. Like really gone. I hope he knows that we are in NO way trying to replace him, just growing our family and giving him a little brother or sister to watch down on.

The hospital support group is starting on April 7th. It will run for 7 weeks, the last meeting being on May 19th. It's so weird because May 19th is 2 days before Xander's original estimated due date. Every where I look I see signs of him. Like I looked on my old birth club on a website I go to and a post was called "Xander or Zander" and she wanted advice on how to spell it. She ended up choosing Xander. Then, people have signatures at the end of their posts where usually their kids names are listed. I keep seeing his name! I never saw anyone with kids that had his same name before we lost him. I was thinking that if we ever have a girl I want her middle name to be Xandria or Xandra. Probably Xandria that way it doesn't sound like Sandra. Which would be okay though because that is my late grandmother's first name. I still have to discuss this with Rob.

Anyway, the hospital support group begins soon. I am nervous. I've been apart of an online support group but in person is a lot different. It will be nice to hopefully make new friends that I can relate to. I mean, I was the first out of all of my friends to get pregnant, let alone have a stillborn. It's just hard to find people to relate to. I hate knowing that there are so many people who have experienced this but at the same time it is nice to know you are talking to someone who TRULY understands exactly how you feel! I don't think Rob necessarily likes the idea of support groups but he is going with me anyway. I kind of feel bad but they charge you for the support group and the price is per couple. They asked me who I'd be bringing with me, and my sister said she would come, but I don't know if that'd be weird. I am just so lucky to have Rob. He is such a trooper.

Oh yeah! I wanted to post a picture of the memorial bench where Xander is buried.


I love it there. It's so nice. I left that Snoopy for him. Kind of a reminder that he will always have a piece of my heart. I was surprised that it's so clean. It's been really windy and rainy here.

I miss my son so much. Mommy and Daddy love you Xan-Xan! <3

It's been awhile

It's been far too long since I've written anything. It's almost been 2 months since we've lost Xander now. And to put those 2 months into words is near impossible. I don't remember what my last post was about so forgive me if I repeat anything.

Dr. D ran tests on my blood and everything came back fine. I had 19 viles drawn to test for blood clotting disorders and autoimmune diseases and as he said, "on paper, I look healthy". Apparently my body just needs to stop being so "special" and start to be normal. I am on a low dose aspirin which will help my overall blood flow and helps the placenta grow. I need to start it now that way whenever we starting trying again in one month, my body will be ready. I'm still taking a prenatal vitamin and have began to work out again which feels amazing. Bed rest takes such a toll on your body. My muscles had turned into mush and my stamina is beyond low. At first I started with just walking and have now worked my way up to lifting weights and pilates and continuing my light cardio to help my blood flow.

Emotionally I am a train wreck still. I am fine one day then will spend the next 2 days crying. Now that we have a plan to try again and know when we will begin to try, everything is more surreal. I can't believe I lost Xander. I can't believe that pregnancy--something meant to be full of happiness and morning sickness--was terrifying, stressful and ended in death, not a new life. It tears me apart knowing his heart stopped beating inside of me. Knowing that my body and his life just weren't meant to be together here on Earth. I would give anything to hold him again. Despite the fact his heart had stopped beating, his body was still so warm against mine. I would have died if it meant saving his life. Even if we were to never meet here on Earth, his life was more deserving than mine. I have already seen enough. He never had the chance. All he knew was being inside my womb, wishfully kicking me, reassuring me he was still alive and happy. Until his kicks and his heart slowly stopped.

Pregnancy will never be full of happiness for me. I am no longer jaded and naive about the possibilities of pregnancy. It isn't love=sex=pregnancy=baby.
Now, for me, it's
love=sex=most terrifying 9 months of my life=possibility of happy, living baby.

Nothing in life is promised. Life isn't even promised. And it sucks.