I'm sitting here feeling my little guy do flips and kicks in my belly and can't help but to think of how blessed I am. Xander's journey was very long and very excruciating. I wish I had started this blog when I was pregnant with him. But this little guy has been the complete opposite. We've had a few scares here and there but mostly I just think it's been my nerves. I'm 27 weeks today.
There are times when I get so overwhelmed (like 3 hours ago) and start crying in fear that we will lose another baby. So when I have moments like I'm having now, feeling blessed and so lucky, I really try to take advantage of it because these moments are rare. I'm reminded of the painful path we've been through to get where we are but it has been worth it. I grieve for our first two sons every day still. It's so hard to balance grief and a current pregnancy. Part of me still wants to hide in my bed all day and cry out for the sons we've lost and the other part of me wants to get dressed and shout from a mountain top that I'm pregnant and will have a baby come April. It can really get confusing. I am just so happy that this one has been so easy.
Some days I still have my normal pregnancy complaints. The nausea, the return of nausea, the general fatigue, lower back pain, round ligament pain, stretch marks in places I didn't know I could get stretch marks and so on. Overall though, I have no reason to complain. I have an active and healthy baby inside of me. That's all that counts.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
One Year
In a little over 14 hours it will be one year since I had Xander. And since we said goodbye. It's so weird looking back and how much has happened in a year. Another loss, we got married, moving across the country, another pregnancy...
I can't believe one year has passed. The days following Xander's death I thought I would not survive. I thought I would never leave the house and for years I would be consumed in misery and sadness. A part of me will always be sad but I have made huge improvements. I can laugh. I can smile. I can talk about Xander with pride and joy and not just sorrow and sadness. I can look ahead to the future and have hope. I can hold other babies. I can look at other baby boys and smile and not turn away and cry.
But as 10:53am on January 13th approaches I feel the sadness more intensely than I've felt in months. At this time last year I was on bed rest watching tv. I was probably giddy as can be since we had an ultrasound that revealed the tear in the placenta had almost healed and I would graduate to modified bed rest soon. Xander's chance of making it had increased and Dr.Watson had hope. Little did I know that at 1 am the next day, less than 12 hours later, I would go into labor that would result in my uterus detaching from the placenta which would cause Xander to die. That I would have to go through labor and push him out, just as if it were any other normal delivery. It was far from normal though. It was anything but. It became my new normal though. It became Rob's new normal and our lives have been changed forever.
Happy birthday Xander. I wish you were here with us, blowing out your one single candle. Getting your first taste of sugar and maybe even taking your first steps.
I can't believe one year has passed. The days following Xander's death I thought I would not survive. I thought I would never leave the house and for years I would be consumed in misery and sadness. A part of me will always be sad but I have made huge improvements. I can laugh. I can smile. I can talk about Xander with pride and joy and not just sorrow and sadness. I can look ahead to the future and have hope. I can hold other babies. I can look at other baby boys and smile and not turn away and cry.
But as 10:53am on January 13th approaches I feel the sadness more intensely than I've felt in months. At this time last year I was on bed rest watching tv. I was probably giddy as can be since we had an ultrasound that revealed the tear in the placenta had almost healed and I would graduate to modified bed rest soon. Xander's chance of making it had increased and Dr.Watson had hope. Little did I know that at 1 am the next day, less than 12 hours later, I would go into labor that would result in my uterus detaching from the placenta which would cause Xander to die. That I would have to go through labor and push him out, just as if it were any other normal delivery. It was far from normal though. It was anything but. It became my new normal though. It became Rob's new normal and our lives have been changed forever.
Happy birthday Xander. I wish you were here with us, blowing out your one single candle. Getting your first taste of sugar and maybe even taking your first steps.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Pregnancy after a loss...or losses.
Since learning that I am pregnant again, I have been to the OB seven times and the high risk MFM (maternal fetal medicine doctor) 3 times. I was seen in the ER once (at 13 weeks for bleeding) and in labor and delivery three times (at 20 weeks for dehydration, 23 weeks for contractions and 23 weeks 3 days for pain). Every time I have gone in, everything has been perfect. Despite the bleeding, the contractions, the constant pain, the dehydration...my body has shown no sign of actually going into labor. As of today I am 23 weeks 4 days pregnant.
So why can't I stop worrying about it?
My list of problems with Xander included: bleeding, subchorionic hemorrhage, placental tear, preterm labor, shortened and funneling cervix, low amniotic fluid levels, 10 weeks of bed rest, 4 days of hospital bed rest, placenta previa, 10 ER visits, at least 15 ultrasounds, 15 OB visits and my blood was drawn at least 10 times. I was only pregnant for 21 weeks and 5 days.
My list of problems with Robert included: spotting, low progesterone, progesterone shots, 6 OB visits and bi-weekly blood draws. I was only pregnant for 7 weeks. I found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks.
My current pregnancy statistics may seem high to some, especially considering at this point I'm not really high risk anymore but look at my past. Can you blame me? Although this is my 3rd pregnancy it feels like I am pregnant for the first time. I have no idea what is normal. I don't even know what normal kicks feel like. I don't know what pains are normal and what's not. I was 8 cm dilated before anyone even knew I was in labor. I thought those pains were normal. I was wrong. I feel like I can't trust my judgement anymore. I'm supposed to keep my unborn children safe and I can't even trust myself? I'd rather go in to the hospital or doctor every day over losing another baby. So if you are my nurse, my friend, my doctor or my family....please don't tell me I'm crazy and irrational. I have had 2 of my babies die. They say there is no greater pain than losing a child and it's TRUE. Children should be burying their parents not the other way around. But why is it so hard for people to understand this? They can say it's their greatest fear and then it happens to a friend, a relative or a patient and people show no sympathy. You can only imagine how scary it is to be pregnant knowing that your children passed away in your body. YOUR OWN BODY.
A mother's womb is supposed to nourish the baby (or fetus if that's the word you want to use) it's supposed to provide it a safe place to grow over the course of nine months. It's not supposed to fail. It's not supposed to develop injury. It's supposed to be stable enough to protect the baby even if injury is caused to the mother. But it doesn't always work out. Or, take the mother's eggs and father's sperm. They are supposed to be healthy and produce a miracle of life. Not be "faulty" or cause "flukes". But they do. However, when it happens to you it's not so easy to accept. It's not easy to say "oh, well, I'm just part of the statistic. I just produced a bad egg or my partner produced a bad sperm. Shit happens".
No. You wonder if it was that alcohol you drank. Or that week you had where you ate nothing but carbs and fatty foods. Or if you just produce bad eggs all the time. Do you need genetic testing? Do you know your family's history of chromosome abnormalities? Heart complications? How many miscarriages your mom and/or mother-in-law had? Does your insurance cover the reproductive genetic testing? Do you need that testing? Can you handle the results if you or your partner carry a type of DNA that causes these problems?
The first time we visited with the MFM here in Memphis we were brought back to a room with a circular table and four chairs. The room was probably 6'x6' and the door was shut behind us. The wall was covered with pamphlets about genetic screening and Alere Health care which provides nurses to come to your home to administer preterm labor medication and many other in home care services. We had set up the consultation thinking we would not be pregnant by the time our appointment came around but alas, we had just found out we were pregnant again. While waiting and complaining to each other of the smell of a dirty diaper down the hall, a lady walked in. A little confused since my MFM is a male I wondered what was going on. She introduced herself as a genetic counselor. What. The. Hell.
She asked me my pregnancy history. How many pregnancies vs. how many children. (This question always pisses me off because I count my "losses" as my children) Did my mom have miscarriages? Yes, one, after I was born. Did Rob's mom? No, not that we know of. Anyone with chromosome abnormalities? No. Besides our son Robert. He had Trisomy 13, an extra 13th chromosome which is not compatible with life. With the information she gathered she didn't think we needed to do the blood tests. She left. Then I was brought back for a surprise ultrasound. The first time we heard this little boy's heart. I burst into tears. I never got to hear my Robert's heart beat. So to hear this lil guy's heart thumping away was the best thing I had heard in awhile. Then we were taken back into another small room where we FINALLY met with the MFM. He made a list of my past complications and said "well, it was all caused from the abruption".
Really? One small tear could cause all of that? I can have a normal pregnancy? I don't need medicine to prevent preterm labor? I can carry to term? I don't need extra monitoring? I can go FOUR WEEKS between appointments?! I don't need to see you past 13 weeks?
Finally. At nearly 24 weeks I am trusting what that doctor told us. My cervix will be okay? I don't need a cerclage? I don't need the shots? (I did have low progesterone again and took pills orally until 10 weeks). My cervix isn't funneling or short. I am starting to believe I will make it to 40 weeks. And God willing...we will finally take a baby home.
So why can't I stop worrying about it?
My list of problems with Xander included: bleeding, subchorionic hemorrhage, placental tear, preterm labor, shortened and funneling cervix, low amniotic fluid levels, 10 weeks of bed rest, 4 days of hospital bed rest, placenta previa, 10 ER visits, at least 15 ultrasounds, 15 OB visits and my blood was drawn at least 10 times. I was only pregnant for 21 weeks and 5 days.
My list of problems with Robert included: spotting, low progesterone, progesterone shots, 6 OB visits and bi-weekly blood draws. I was only pregnant for 7 weeks. I found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks.
My current pregnancy statistics may seem high to some, especially considering at this point I'm not really high risk anymore but look at my past. Can you blame me? Although this is my 3rd pregnancy it feels like I am pregnant for the first time. I have no idea what is normal. I don't even know what normal kicks feel like. I don't know what pains are normal and what's not. I was 8 cm dilated before anyone even knew I was in labor. I thought those pains were normal. I was wrong. I feel like I can't trust my judgement anymore. I'm supposed to keep my unborn children safe and I can't even trust myself? I'd rather go in to the hospital or doctor every day over losing another baby. So if you are my nurse, my friend, my doctor or my family....please don't tell me I'm crazy and irrational. I have had 2 of my babies die. They say there is no greater pain than losing a child and it's TRUE. Children should be burying their parents not the other way around. But why is it so hard for people to understand this? They can say it's their greatest fear and then it happens to a friend, a relative or a patient and people show no sympathy. You can only imagine how scary it is to be pregnant knowing that your children passed away in your body. YOUR OWN BODY.
A mother's womb is supposed to nourish the baby (or fetus if that's the word you want to use) it's supposed to provide it a safe place to grow over the course of nine months. It's not supposed to fail. It's not supposed to develop injury. It's supposed to be stable enough to protect the baby even if injury is caused to the mother. But it doesn't always work out. Or, take the mother's eggs and father's sperm. They are supposed to be healthy and produce a miracle of life. Not be "faulty" or cause "flukes". But they do. However, when it happens to you it's not so easy to accept. It's not easy to say "oh, well, I'm just part of the statistic. I just produced a bad egg or my partner produced a bad sperm. Shit happens".
No. You wonder if it was that alcohol you drank. Or that week you had where you ate nothing but carbs and fatty foods. Or if you just produce bad eggs all the time. Do you need genetic testing? Do you know your family's history of chromosome abnormalities? Heart complications? How many miscarriages your mom and/or mother-in-law had? Does your insurance cover the reproductive genetic testing? Do you need that testing? Can you handle the results if you or your partner carry a type of DNA that causes these problems?
The first time we visited with the MFM here in Memphis we were brought back to a room with a circular table and four chairs. The room was probably 6'x6' and the door was shut behind us. The wall was covered with pamphlets about genetic screening and Alere Health care which provides nurses to come to your home to administer preterm labor medication and many other in home care services. We had set up the consultation thinking we would not be pregnant by the time our appointment came around but alas, we had just found out we were pregnant again. While waiting and complaining to each other of the smell of a dirty diaper down the hall, a lady walked in. A little confused since my MFM is a male I wondered what was going on. She introduced herself as a genetic counselor. What. The. Hell.
She asked me my pregnancy history. How many pregnancies vs. how many children. (This question always pisses me off because I count my "losses" as my children) Did my mom have miscarriages? Yes, one, after I was born. Did Rob's mom? No, not that we know of. Anyone with chromosome abnormalities? No. Besides our son Robert. He had Trisomy 13, an extra 13th chromosome which is not compatible with life. With the information she gathered she didn't think we needed to do the blood tests. She left. Then I was brought back for a surprise ultrasound. The first time we heard this little boy's heart. I burst into tears. I never got to hear my Robert's heart beat. So to hear this lil guy's heart thumping away was the best thing I had heard in awhile. Then we were taken back into another small room where we FINALLY met with the MFM. He made a list of my past complications and said "well, it was all caused from the abruption".
Really? One small tear could cause all of that? I can have a normal pregnancy? I don't need medicine to prevent preterm labor? I can carry to term? I don't need extra monitoring? I can go FOUR WEEKS between appointments?! I don't need to see you past 13 weeks?
Finally. At nearly 24 weeks I am trusting what that doctor told us. My cervix will be okay? I don't need a cerclage? I don't need the shots? (I did have low progesterone again and took pills orally until 10 weeks). My cervix isn't funneling or short. I am starting to believe I will make it to 40 weeks. And God willing...we will finally take a baby home.
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