Turkeys, family, food coma and a parade. Pretty much summarizes my definition of Thanksgiving. Or at least it used to be my definition of Thanksgiving. Now it's pot roast, incomplete family, food coma and a parade. Growing up I hated the end of the year. I loved the breaks we got from school but hated leaving behind the memories I had gained throughout. Now? I can't wait for this year to be over and Thanksgiving is a reminder of how close we are to bringing in a new year.
Last year I was pregnant with Xander on Thanksgiving. Rob stayed home with me since I was on bed rest. I don't remember what we ate but remember my dad bringing over left overs then I threw it all up since I was still sick. I was about 14 weeks pregnant with him. I still believed he would come home with us. No doubt about it. I was starting to get used to the idea of bed rest but definitely getting antsy. Then in January we lost him.
I remember Thanksgiving last year telling everyone all of the great things I had planned for Xander. "This time next year he will be 6 months old and...."
Nope. Instead it's been 10 months and 10 days since he died. Then in April we got pregnant again. Then I started saying "by Thanksgiving I will be 36 weeks pregnant!" Nope. That dream ended by May. Now? I am 17 weeks 3 days pregnant. I keep myself from thinking ahead. I don't say what I will be doing next year. I keep it to myself. I hope and pray to God every single day that he will finally bless me with a baby to celebrate with. To hold in my arms and sing to....even if I'm horrible at singing. I want a baby to read Christmas time stories to and to tuck in before bed.
My heart is broken this Thanksgiving. I still think of my boys every day. Especially the one in my belly. I just want him to come home with us in April. That's all I want.
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