Christmas. Where do I even start? Since we lost Xander in January and Robert on May 5th, I've already conquered many holidays while missing my babies. Let's see....in March there was my 21st birthday. In May there was Mother's Day. Oh and don't forget Easter in April but I was pregnant with Robert then. Then there was Father's Day, Fourth of July, Rob's birthday, Halloween and Thanksgiving. Now we are at probably the hardest holiday yet: Christmas.
Christmas is hard for any grieving parent, or anyone who is grieving really. Most commercials focus on family and Santa Clause and the kids being surprised with presents on Christmas Morning. Then you have the Christmas Carols. Have you ever thought of Silent Night as a horrible song? Probably not unless your child really is "sleeping in Heavenly peace". So, how does a grieving parent make it through?
Last night Rob was talking to his brother via internet. My father-in-law invited us to meet them in St. Louis and spend Christmas with them. We debated back and forth on what to do. Yesterday was the point in pregnancy where I lost Xander. Also known as "point of loss" or "POL" to save time. POL is scary. You relive every moment of your baby's birth/death. The dreaded ultrasound, the labor, everything. I decided I wasn't comfortable being 300 miles away from my doctor and hospital. We declined. But last night I got to thinking and really wanted to go. Rob's step-Mom was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. I don't know specifics but I would have loved to spend Christmas with her and the rest of the family. So last we decided what the hell, let's go in the morning. After showering and packing a suitcase we headed on the road for St. Louis. Sixty miles later the car broke down on the side of I-55. I'm now sitting at home.
It seems like every time we try to do something fun to cheer ourselves up instead of sitting at home in fear...something shitty happens. Like the car breaking down. Rob and I spent the next 3 hours in the tow-truck driving around trying to figure out what to do. Thank God for our tow-truck driver and putting up with how frazzled we were. The car ultimately ended up in our drive way considering it's Christmas Eve and dealerships and car rental places are closed.
Here we are back at home. Rob is playing XBOX and I'm sitting cuddled up on the couch with my fleece blanket and laptop. I was so afraid that with all of the stress that the baby wouldn't be okay. Luckily he's a mover and I can feel him kick away as I type. But despite the dramatics of the day and my booger baby kicking my belly I can't help but mourn Christmas. It's not a happy time for me. I've spent most of my night staring at Xander's picture that sits by our television. I wish I could stop myself from thinking about the what-ifs but I can't. What if he was here? What would we be doing? Would we even live in Memphis? We would probably still live in Denver. We'd probably spend time with family. Not alone. I can't even get myself to turn on the Christmas lights on the tree. We just have had really bad luck this year and for fuck's sake I just want something to go our way!
I can only hope that tomorrow is a better day. At least I know we won't be going out anywhere. We won't have to worry about rushing around, trying to get somewhere on time or make it to everyone's house and eat 3 big meals like we usually do. Hell I probably won't even shower.
How will I survive tonight and tomorrow? Kleenex. And Xander Bear.
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