Twenty Months and One Week Later

Twenty months. And one week.

Wow.

I didn't even realize it has been twenty months. Two months ago I realized it had been 18 months, a year and a half, so why wouldn't I know it's been twenty months now? Reflecting on our lives in the past twenty months is crazy. Let's see...

January 2011 - Xander died.
February 2011 - I got my engagement ring.
March 2011 - I turned 21. Rob was out of town for work. My first birthday after Xander and Rob was gone. It sucked. Found out at the end of the month that I was pregnant again.
April 2011 - Told we had a 50/50 chance again.
May 2011 - I had a D&C. The baby passed around 6 weeks I didn't know until 7. I found out alone. Rob was out of town, again. A few weeks later was Xander's due date and Mother's Day. Worst. Month. Ever.
June 2011 - We decided we would move to TN. I wanted to be anywhere but Colorado.
July 2011 - We got married. First Father's Day for Rob.
August 2011 - We moved to TN. Found out we were expecting Eli.

The next eight months are a blur. Lots of time spent in the obstetricians office. Lots of hours crying. Mourning Xander but feeling Elijah kick in my belly. That was such a bizarre feeling.

April 2012 - Easter. Elijah was born. Elijah spent 8 days in the NICU. More tears. More worries of the unknown. They didn't even have a diagnosis for a few days. Time spent wondering, in my hospital room...with empty arms again...waking up in the middle of the night wondering how my baby was. This time instead of paging a nurse to bring me my dead baby in the middle of the night, I called a NICU nurse on the phone to reassure me my living baby was still living.

The past (almost) six months since Elijah was born are a blur. We've moved again. Still in TN. Tried to move back to Colorado. I miss seeing my first baby. I miss the cemetery. I never thought I would miss a cemetery. I still feel Xander is with me every where I go but something about being there. It brings back so many memories. I spent so many of the early days there. I wouldn't go anywhere, but I would go there. It's the only way I would get out of the house. We went to CO in July and only got to spend a few minutes there. Before we even made it to the bench I burst into tears. Touching that stone I feel closer to Heaven. Closer to Xander.

I wonder if Elijah feels Xander's presence. Lately he has been staring at Xander's picture and just smiles. He smiles and giggles so loud. I think he knows. That there was someone before him. So weird to think that if we hadn't lost Xander we wouldn't have Elijah.

It's amazing how much your life can change in twenty months. And one week.