I can't believe one year has passed. The days following Xander's death I thought I would not survive. I thought I would never leave the house and for years I would be consumed in misery and sadness. A part of me will always be sad but I have made huge improvements. I can laugh. I can smile. I can talk about Xander with pride and joy and not just sorrow and sadness. I can look ahead to the future and have hope. I can hold other babies. I can look at other baby boys and smile and not turn away and cry.
But as 10:53am on January 13th approaches I feel the sadness more intensely than I've felt in months. At this time last year I was on bed rest watching tv. I was probably giddy as can be since we had an ultrasound that revealed the tear in the placenta had almost healed and I would graduate to modified bed rest soon. Xander's chance of making it had increased and Dr.Watson had hope. Little did I know that at 1 am the next day, less than 12 hours later, I would go into labor that would result in my uterus detaching from the placenta which would cause Xander to die. That I would have to go through labor and push him out, just as if it were any other normal delivery. It was far from normal though. It was anything but. It became my new normal though. It became Rob's new normal and our lives have been changed forever.
Happy birthday Xander. I wish you were here with us, blowing out your one single candle. Getting your first taste of sugar and maybe even taking your first steps.
No comments:
Post a Comment