Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Possible C-Section

I found out yesterday that Elijah is complete breech. This means he is basically sitting cross legged on top of my cervix. This is also the only breech presentation where an external version cannot be done so either a) pray to God he flips or b) accept the fact a c-section may be my only option. Next week we are scheduling the c-section date which will probably be on April 23rd. I have been processing this ever since I found out.

We went into this pregnancy with an open mind thinking and knowing, that anything could happen. A c-section is something we already thought about but I never put too much thought into it because it wasn't necessary but now it is. I've accepted the fact that if this is our only and safest option than so be it. I just want him to arrive safely! Then I realized that I will never experience another vaginal delivery...Xander will be my only.

Do I feel blessed that I got to at least experience a natural labor? Or do I feel cursed knowing that will be my only memory of a natural labor? Was it better to experience it or do I wish I never had the chance to associate the two? I don't know. I really don't. I think Xander's birth has to be the reason why I am scared of a vaginal delivery. Nothing during delivery caused him to die, he was already dead. Just the association of the two....ugh. For the past 2 months I've had nightmares that Elijah dies during delivery and it's always a vaginal delivery. With Xander, before I knew I was pregnant, I dreamed I was laboring in my bath tub. What did I do for two hours before going to the hospital on January 13, 2011? I sat in my bath tub..in labor...without knowing it was labor. So maybe a c-section is the best bet. Maybe it's meant to be. I just hope I can avoid the judgement I'm getting already for "taking the easy way out". I haven't had one yet but I know there is nothing easy about a c-section.

No comments:

Post a Comment