Labels

One of the hardest parts about having pregnancy loss is....the label.

A miscarriage is usually defined as a loss prior to 20 weeks gestation.
A stillbirth is usually defined as a loss at 20 weeks and beyond.

But where do we draw the line?

One of my friends recently lost her baby at 12 weeks. She was induced into labor in the hospital, in the labor and delivery ward and vaginally delivered her son. Most women in the second trimester go through the labor process. You hear about cramps during a miscarriage, did you know that's technically the uterus contracting to get the baby out? Did you know that many women who are considered full term start the labor process in the same L&D my friend went to (where I also delivered my son) using the same drugs that were used to induce her labor?

What about the babies that are born too soon and not able to survive outside the womb? Did you know many of them are born breathing? That their families receive birth and death certificates for them? Or the babies that die in utero...they don't receive any sort of life or death certificate in most states. They are still born. They don't just disappear into thin air. Their families go to funeral homes to pick out caskets or urns. They have to pay to get their baby buried or cremated. I used to hate the word stillborn. But you know what? It makes since. My son wasn't just stillborn....he was still born. I went through labor as have many other women who have stillborns.

But yet you hear the word miscarriage and it just doesn't make sense past a certain point. You read the tabloids and see that celebrities have "a miscarriage at six months". Do you realize how far along 6 months is? That's almost the third trimester of pregnancy. This wasn't just something that was like a heavy period. That was birth. That was pushing knowing your baby won't take a breath once he/she gets out. That's a stillbirth.

Losses can be so different from woman to woman. Even my two losses were a night and day difference. I went into labor with Xander, we held him, Rob cut his cord and we took pictures with him. With my miscarriage I had a D&C, a surgery. I was completely under. I went into the operation room pregnant and asleep and came out asleep and not pregnant. There are mothers who go into a routine OB checkup, find out their baby has passed and have to be medically induced into labor. Some even have to endure a cesarean section. How can we sum that up into two words? Stillbirth? Or a miscarriage? I like to define losses by how far along a woman was. So instead of saying Xander was stillborn I say, Xander was stillborn at nearly 22 weeks. Instead of saying I had a miscarriage I say, I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks.

But even then....the world's knowledge of pregnancy becomes known when you say things like that. Like people think because I was only nearly 22 weeks pregnant, that I didn't hold him. Or that he wasn't 10 and a quarter inches long and weighed 15.6 ounces. It's like the think the baby somehow goes from sperm meets egg to 20 inches, 8 pound baby over night. It's amazing how uneducated people, especially WOMEN who have had babies, are when it comes to pregnancy.

So, please, read up on fetal development. We don't just magically wake up not pregnant one day (well, I guess unless you've had a D&C like I did). We still have to birth our babies. Even before 20 weeks.

Life Before Loss

Let me preface this by saying I do not regret having my sons. But....

I miss my life before them. It's not about going out and acting my age or whatever. It's about missing being naive. And care free. I miss not having to explain to people that I have other sons, that this is not my first pregnancy but no, I do not have any kids at home. I miss having a job. I've been unemployed since starting bed rest with Xander on November 1st 2010. I miss meeting new people and not being afraid to do so. I miss not having to answer awkward questions. I miss not having to bite my tongue then feeling guilty when I do. I miss not having to wonder if I should even try explaining Xander to people. Do you realize how many people don't really understand what a stillbirth is? I miss my friends and when they used to treat me like a normal person. Not someone who gets easily offended or over sensitive. I miss not knowing the meaning of progesterone deficiency and blood clotting issues and what Lovenox and baby aspirin are and how they can help a baby survive pregnancy. I miss not knowing the stillbirth, miscarriage and infant loss statistics. I miss thinking that losses most commonly occur in the first trimester and thinking that anything after was completely rare. I miss thinking that a pregnancy ended at 40 weeks. I miss not having 24 weeks as a goal, because that's when a baby is at the "viability" stage and doctors will try to help the baby to survive outside of the womb. I miss not knowing what a NICU is and what it stands for. I miss not anticipating NICU bills. I miss my old life.

Part of me did die on January 13th 2011 with Xander. My innocence. My patience and tolerance. I feel like everyone should know what I know. But that's not realistic and NO ONE should know what I know....because I know the truth. I know it isn't rare. I know it can happen to anyone. I know that just because someone experienced the same thing as me that doesn't mean I will have the same outcome. I know not all things resolve on their own. I know that they can grow and take a life. I know that labor can start at any moment and mother's won't feel it happening.

I hate knowing what I know. I hate living in fear. I hate seeing the negative side of things and never believing anything positive will happen. Why should it?