Today is October first. This marks the beginning of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Having Eli, my mind is constantly busy. It's at the end of the day when Xander is on my mind the most. But October, knowing that there's a whole month dedicated to remember Xander and many others like him, it's all I can think of. Sometimes Xander feels like a dream. My whole pregnancy seems like it only lasted a day but when I was pregnant with him it felt like eternity.
Xander died because the placenta tore away from the uterus. Also known as placental abruption. Placental abruption causes 10-20 percent of stillbirths. But only one percent of pregnancies that are diagnosed with abruption end in stillbirth. I never thought I'd be that one percent. I can still remember all of the doctors assuring me that Xander would make it.
Showing posts with label stillbirth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stillbirth. Show all posts
Monday, October 1, 2012
Monday, December 5, 2011
Labels
One of the hardest parts about having pregnancy loss is....the label.
A miscarriage is usually defined as a loss prior to 20 weeks gestation.
A stillbirth is usually defined as a loss at 20 weeks and beyond.
But where do we draw the line?
One of my friends recently lost her baby at 12 weeks. She was induced into labor in the hospital, in the labor and delivery ward and vaginally delivered her son. Most women in the second trimester go through the labor process. You hear about cramps during a miscarriage, did you know that's technically the uterus contracting to get the baby out? Did you know that many women who are considered full term start the labor process in the same L&D my friend went to (where I also delivered my son) using the same drugs that were used to induce her labor?
What about the babies that are born too soon and not able to survive outside the womb? Did you know many of them are born breathing? That their families receive birth and death certificates for them? Or the babies that die in utero...they don't receive any sort of life or death certificate in most states. They are still born. They don't just disappear into thin air. Their families go to funeral homes to pick out caskets or urns. They have to pay to get their baby buried or cremated. I used to hate the word stillborn. But you know what? It makes since. My son wasn't just stillborn....he was still born. I went through labor as have many other women who have stillborns.
But yet you hear the word miscarriage and it just doesn't make sense past a certain point. You read the tabloids and see that celebrities have "a miscarriage at six months". Do you realize how far along 6 months is? That's almost the third trimester of pregnancy. This wasn't just something that was like a heavy period. That was birth. That was pushing knowing your baby won't take a breath once he/she gets out. That's a stillbirth.
Losses can be so different from woman to woman. Even my two losses were a night and day difference. I went into labor with Xander, we held him, Rob cut his cord and we took pictures with him. With my miscarriage I had a D&C, a surgery. I was completely under. I went into the operation room pregnant and asleep and came out asleep and not pregnant. There are mothers who go into a routine OB checkup, find out their baby has passed and have to be medically induced into labor. Some even have to endure a cesarean section. How can we sum that up into two words? Stillbirth? Or a miscarriage? I like to define losses by how far along a woman was. So instead of saying Xander was stillborn I say, Xander was stillborn at nearly 22 weeks. Instead of saying I had a miscarriage I say, I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks.
But even then....the world's knowledge of pregnancy becomes known when you say things like that. Like people think because I was only nearly 22 weeks pregnant, that I didn't hold him. Or that he wasn't 10 and a quarter inches long and weighed 15.6 ounces. It's like the think the baby somehow goes from sperm meets egg to 20 inches, 8 pound baby over night. It's amazing how uneducated people, especially WOMEN who have had babies, are when it comes to pregnancy.
So, please, read up on fetal development. We don't just magically wake up not pregnant one day (well, I guess unless you've had a D&C like I did). We still have to birth our babies. Even before 20 weeks.
A miscarriage is usually defined as a loss prior to 20 weeks gestation.
A stillbirth is usually defined as a loss at 20 weeks and beyond.
But where do we draw the line?
One of my friends recently lost her baby at 12 weeks. She was induced into labor in the hospital, in the labor and delivery ward and vaginally delivered her son. Most women in the second trimester go through the labor process. You hear about cramps during a miscarriage, did you know that's technically the uterus contracting to get the baby out? Did you know that many women who are considered full term start the labor process in the same L&D my friend went to (where I also delivered my son) using the same drugs that were used to induce her labor?
What about the babies that are born too soon and not able to survive outside the womb? Did you know many of them are born breathing? That their families receive birth and death certificates for them? Or the babies that die in utero...they don't receive any sort of life or death certificate in most states. They are still born. They don't just disappear into thin air. Their families go to funeral homes to pick out caskets or urns. They have to pay to get their baby buried or cremated. I used to hate the word stillborn. But you know what? It makes since. My son wasn't just stillborn....he was still born. I went through labor as have many other women who have stillborns.
But yet you hear the word miscarriage and it just doesn't make sense past a certain point. You read the tabloids and see that celebrities have "a miscarriage at six months". Do you realize how far along 6 months is? That's almost the third trimester of pregnancy. This wasn't just something that was like a heavy period. That was birth. That was pushing knowing your baby won't take a breath once he/she gets out. That's a stillbirth.
Losses can be so different from woman to woman. Even my two losses were a night and day difference. I went into labor with Xander, we held him, Rob cut his cord and we took pictures with him. With my miscarriage I had a D&C, a surgery. I was completely under. I went into the operation room pregnant and asleep and came out asleep and not pregnant. There are mothers who go into a routine OB checkup, find out their baby has passed and have to be medically induced into labor. Some even have to endure a cesarean section. How can we sum that up into two words? Stillbirth? Or a miscarriage? I like to define losses by how far along a woman was. So instead of saying Xander was stillborn I say, Xander was stillborn at nearly 22 weeks. Instead of saying I had a miscarriage I say, I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks.
But even then....the world's knowledge of pregnancy becomes known when you say things like that. Like people think because I was only nearly 22 weeks pregnant, that I didn't hold him. Or that he wasn't 10 and a quarter inches long and weighed 15.6 ounces. It's like the think the baby somehow goes from sperm meets egg to 20 inches, 8 pound baby over night. It's amazing how uneducated people, especially WOMEN who have had babies, are when it comes to pregnancy.
So, please, read up on fetal development. We don't just magically wake up not pregnant one day (well, I guess unless you've had a D&C like I did). We still have to birth our babies. Even before 20 weeks.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
What NOT to say to a bereaved mom/dad
I know I've brought this up before but it was so soon after losing Xander that I think I need to go at it again....now that I'm far from that angry stage.
What not to say after a parent has suffered a stillborn.
1) You will be a good mom/dad SOME day.
--I don't know why, but this one always pops to the front of my mind. It's an insult. As a woman, a mother, I have just birthed a baby but I'm not a mom? I may not be a PARENT but I am still a mom and my husband is definitely a father. This one most often applies to moms and dads whose first baby is stillborn and therefore they aren't considered a mom or dad because they have no other children besides the one that has passed.
2) It was for the best.
--A baby dying is never for the best. Regardless of whether or not a baby was "planned" or not planned, it's never for the best. The death of a baby seems like a cruel joke. An innocent life, literally innocent, never even took a breath outside....it's just cruel.
3) It was God's plan.
--God or no God, to think a baby's death was a plan? C'mon now. That doesn't even make sense.
4) I know how you feel, my dog/bunny/cat died.
--Uhhh yeah. Seriously, people have said this. I don't even think it needs an explanation.
5) I know how you feel, I had an abortion.
--This is just as bad as comparing it to a family pet's death. Medical reasons or not...an abortion is not the same as giving birth to death.
6) I know how you feel......blah blah blah.
--Unless your "I know how you feel" is followed by "my son/daughter was also stillborn" then no, you don't know how I feel.
What to say to someone who has suffered a stillborn.
1) I'm sorry.
--You can never go wrong with this.
2) What did you name him/her?
--You will never believe how important it is to hear others say our baby's names out loud and refer to them as the people they were.
3) What time can I come over? I'd like to clean/cook/bring food/take out your garbage.
--Mundane tasks are the hardest to get done. Moving an inch feels like running a mile. Grief takes a toll on you physically. Don't let them get away with telling you they don't need help. They may not realize it but it's a huge sigh of relief to have someone take care of things for you.
4) This isn't something to say, but what to do.
--Don't stop calling them. Leave voice-mails and send text messages and e-mails to let them know you are still thinking of them....days, weeks, months and years later. Even if they don't answer them, they will read them.
Losing an infant is devastating. Many times people mean well but over think things that come out wrong. Don't over think it. Keep it simple. Remember, when you lose your baby you lose a life time of dreams. These parents have most likely held their babies and named them and taken pictures of them. These are the only memories they will ever have. Be there for them. Don't just be there the first days or weeks. Be there for them forever. The memories will never leave. We love hearing our baby's names and knowing that people recognize them for what they were, people. Just listen. You don't have to say a thing.
What not to say after a parent has suffered a stillborn.
1) You will be a good mom/dad SOME day.
--I don't know why, but this one always pops to the front of my mind. It's an insult. As a woman, a mother, I have just birthed a baby but I'm not a mom? I may not be a PARENT but I am still a mom and my husband is definitely a father. This one most often applies to moms and dads whose first baby is stillborn and therefore they aren't considered a mom or dad because they have no other children besides the one that has passed.
2) It was for the best.
--A baby dying is never for the best. Regardless of whether or not a baby was "planned" or not planned, it's never for the best. The death of a baby seems like a cruel joke. An innocent life, literally innocent, never even took a breath outside....it's just cruel.
3) It was God's plan.
--God or no God, to think a baby's death was a plan? C'mon now. That doesn't even make sense.
4) I know how you feel, my dog/bunny/cat died.
--Uhhh yeah. Seriously, people have said this. I don't even think it needs an explanation.
5) I know how you feel, I had an abortion.
--This is just as bad as comparing it to a family pet's death. Medical reasons or not...an abortion is not the same as giving birth to death.
6) I know how you feel......blah blah blah.
--Unless your "I know how you feel" is followed by "my son/daughter was also stillborn" then no, you don't know how I feel.
What to say to someone who has suffered a stillborn.
1) I'm sorry.
--You can never go wrong with this.
2) What did you name him/her?
--You will never believe how important it is to hear others say our baby's names out loud and refer to them as the people they were.
3) What time can I come over? I'd like to clean/cook/bring food/take out your garbage.
--Mundane tasks are the hardest to get done. Moving an inch feels like running a mile. Grief takes a toll on you physically. Don't let them get away with telling you they don't need help. They may not realize it but it's a huge sigh of relief to have someone take care of things for you.
4) This isn't something to say, but what to do.
--Don't stop calling them. Leave voice-mails and send text messages and e-mails to let them know you are still thinking of them....days, weeks, months and years later. Even if they don't answer them, they will read them.
Losing an infant is devastating. Many times people mean well but over think things that come out wrong. Don't over think it. Keep it simple. Remember, when you lose your baby you lose a life time of dreams. These parents have most likely held their babies and named them and taken pictures of them. These are the only memories they will ever have. Be there for them. Don't just be there the first days or weeks. Be there for them forever. The memories will never leave. We love hearing our baby's names and knowing that people recognize them for what they were, people. Just listen. You don't have to say a thing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)