Life Before Loss

Let me preface this by saying I do not regret having my sons. But....

I miss my life before them. It's not about going out and acting my age or whatever. It's about missing being naive. And care free. I miss not having to explain to people that I have other sons, that this is not my first pregnancy but no, I do not have any kids at home. I miss having a job. I've been unemployed since starting bed rest with Xander on November 1st 2010. I miss meeting new people and not being afraid to do so. I miss not having to answer awkward questions. I miss not having to bite my tongue then feeling guilty when I do. I miss not having to wonder if I should even try explaining Xander to people. Do you realize how many people don't really understand what a stillbirth is? I miss my friends and when they used to treat me like a normal person. Not someone who gets easily offended or over sensitive. I miss not knowing the meaning of progesterone deficiency and blood clotting issues and what Lovenox and baby aspirin are and how they can help a baby survive pregnancy. I miss not knowing the stillbirth, miscarriage and infant loss statistics. I miss thinking that losses most commonly occur in the first trimester and thinking that anything after was completely rare. I miss thinking that a pregnancy ended at 40 weeks. I miss not having 24 weeks as a goal, because that's when a baby is at the "viability" stage and doctors will try to help the baby to survive outside of the womb. I miss not knowing what a NICU is and what it stands for. I miss not anticipating NICU bills. I miss my old life.

Part of me did die on January 13th 2011 with Xander. My innocence. My patience and tolerance. I feel like everyone should know what I know. But that's not realistic and NO ONE should know what I know....because I know the truth. I know it isn't rare. I know it can happen to anyone. I know that just because someone experienced the same thing as me that doesn't mean I will have the same outcome. I know not all things resolve on their own. I know that they can grow and take a life. I know that labor can start at any moment and mother's won't feel it happening.

I hate knowing what I know. I hate living in fear. I hate seeing the negative side of things and never believing anything positive will happen. Why should it?