The Fight

You never seized to amaze the doctors

Who told us your life wouldn't last much longer

But I knew deep down

You were made to be my fighter.

I rested for weeks

Took it easy as much as I could

And one day I felt you kick,

I cried with excitement.

One day I'd see those kicks

From outside the womb.

Weeks went by and then a month

Things were looking up.

"See!" I told everyone

"I knew he would make it!"

Your kicks became strong

My body began to heal

But there were things we didn't see,

Words we never thought we would hear.

Things weren't looking good

But I always looked forward to the night,

For that's when you kicked me the most

To let me know you were alright.

January 12th we were told you would make it

This fight and journey would all be worth it.

I looked forward to that night, to feel  your tiny feet

Little did I know, I'd get to hold them the next day.

Your kicks slowed down, contractions had started,

I woke up your Dad, fear lied within his eyes,

"It'll be alright," I told him, "our son is a fighter".

We heard your heart beat one last time

But I knew deep down, nothing was alright.

Within a few short hours we were told the news

"I'm sorry," he said "I have bad news".

Daddy saw your lifeless body

As I screamed to God

"Why!? Why did you take our son!?"

We held you, your lifeless body.

So quiet and warm.

You had your grandfather's feet,

My lips

Your dad's nose and eyes.

My dear sweet son

How could this be?

That our hello would also be goodbye.

I didn't want to leave you

I still want to hold you one last time

I still want to kiss you one more time.

We still have no answers to why we lost our fight

And some days it feels,

Like no hope is in sight.

But every time the wind blows

And the train rolls by

I know you are still here

Right by our sides.

So much to say

Where do I start? I probably should have started writing this days ago. Ever since our latest lost last week I have done a lot of self evaluation. Like what I want to do with my life. 


Growing up, I had a LOT of dreams and aspirations. I wanted to start my own "bath and body" line. Not like the store, but that type of stuff. Lotion, body spray, perfume and soap. I wanted one of those make your own soap kits growing up but never got one. I wanted to major in chemistry. Then I started playing basketball. I was bound and determined after my 7th grade tournament and being told I had to play on all the different level teams because they needed me, that I was for sure WNBA material. Then I decided I wanted to focus on cosmetology and become a hair stylist or make up artist for movie stars. So I actually perused that dream. Then we had to move and pay for 2 apartments at once so I took a break from school and worked. Then I went back. Then my Grandma passed away. I went back to school after her funeral and just could not focus. I left once and for all. That school sucked anyway. 


My family always made jokes that I'd be the girl sitting at the bar, throwing back beers with the boys. Ha! Boy, were they wrong. I still love hair & make up. And I hate beer. I'd still love to work and live in LA or New York or Paris. I'd love to study there. 


But whenever you lose two babies, something that rarely happens and usually women experience no problems at all, it's hard to believe that you can do anything. I would love to follow my dreams but right now my biggest dream is to have a kicking, screaming, crying baby to hold in my arms and not just in my heart. To be able to take a baby home and teach it things and celebrate their birthdays where they can be there to blow out the birthday candles. I should be finishing up Xander's nursery and packing my hospital bags for when I go into labor.


But I've already done that. And I was never given a chance to buy stuff for his nursery. I was never able to pack my hospital bags. I was never able to hear the sweet screams of my baby. Neither of them. I am just now approaching my first due date and have had not just one loss, but two. Rob and I already talked about waiting 6 months before trying again. I know I should, I know I should lose the weight, but I just want a baby! I can't believe I've already been pregnant twice. I honestly thought I'd never have kids this young either but now I know that waiting will probably just put me at a higher risk now. I just don't know what else to do with myself. I haven't worked since November and I don't think I am emotionally stable enough yet to start working. Ugh. This sucks. 

Why Can't I STAY Pregnant?

Bad news. Another loss.


Monday I went in for a progesterone shot. Before I left my house for the appointment, I saw a few pink spots of blood when I used the restroom. I called to see if they could squeeze in an ultrasound while I was there. I should have been 7 weeks and 3 days which is far enough along to hear the heartbeat. I went alone since Rob was in Dallas for work. Right away I could tell something was wrong. The tech even looked concerned. She said the baby measured behind at 6 weeks 6 days and the heart was only beating 84 beats per minute. The first time we heard Xander's heart, it was 189 beats per minute! I saw Dr. D and he said I had a 50/50 chance of miscarriage. They still gave me my progesterone shot and ran my blood to do my weekly test of progesterone level. The next morning the nurse called and said my level was only at 6! It had dropped! I asked her why and she said she had no answers and scheduled me for an ultrasound on Wednesday. Originally we were going to give it a week and wait until Friday to do another ultrasound. I cried all day on Monday after my appointment and the phone call on Tuesday morning pretty much gave me the confirmation that the baby was passing or had already done so. I was going to stay on bed rest all week but I felt so alone so I went and saw Xander. All the way home I said out loud, "my baby will grow, my baby will live". About 30 minutes after I got home I went to the restroom and saw bright red blood. It was only a few spots but I was still worried. I called the on call after hours line for my OB since it was 5pm. The nurse actually called me from the office and said "Hi Laura. What's going on? Dr. W said you paged him".


I told her what happened and asked if Dr. W could meet me at the ER since the office was closed. She told me to wait until Wednesday since I had an appointment but I told her I just knew. She said she'd talk to Dr. W and call back. Well let me tell you, I have the best doctors ever! He was still in the office and called the ultrasound tech back in to do my ultrasound. I got there by 5:30pm. The four of us sat in the room quietly and we all saw it. No heart beat. Dr. W put his hand on my arm as the tech announced what we all knew. The baby had passed on. I had already made up my mind on what I would do if I were to miscarry since I pretty much knew on Monday that I would. I scheduled the D&C for the next morning.


Rob was able to make it home right on time to take me to pre-op. The surgery went well and I was able to go home just 4 short hours after arriving at the hospital. The nurse that delivered Xander was working and came by my pre-op room and gave her condolences. She has also experienced loss and told me that if I can picture myself with a baby, then it WILL happen!


Dt. W was my OB when I was pregnant with Xander. Then I switched to Dr. D because he was the one who actually delivered Xander. Now Dr. W has been more apart of our loss experiences. I can honestly say I don't know who to go to anymore because they were both so kind during these horrible times. But right now I just want to focus on me and my relationship with my wonderful fiancée. Having another loss is so discouraging but I really can see us as a family with living children one day. I just don't know why it hasn't happened.

Low progesterone=infertile?

I received my progesterone levels and were shocked to hear they were 7.5 when they should be 15. I was told I would have to be taking extra progesterone in order to conceive. I still took more home pregnancy tests though because as my fellow BBCer's know, the show ain't over until AF shows. So I had taken 4 tests...all negative. I thought for sure we were out this month which was expected considering it was only the first month trying. Yet I didn't want to believe that a week after I turned 21, I was diagnosed with infertility. It was so easy with Xander, why is it hard this time? Why are all of these things appearing now? If we had caught it with Xander, would I still be pregnant? I should be 35 weeks. His due date is 5 weeks away! Why am I going through this instead?

Well last Saturday I had one test left. One staring at me saying "take me! Take me! I'm only going to give you a BFN (big fat NEGATIVE) but take me anyway. So I did and set it aside while I finished up my business. I couldn't believe what I saw when I looked down....

HOLY SHIT! Is that a 2nd line? It can't be. I was diagnosed with secondary infertility 5 days ago. So I took another one. A digital so I didn't have to worry about reading lines.

It can't get more positive than that. I told Rob and we talked about whether or not to tell the family. I told him after the first test then we went together to buy the 2nd one. We got home from the store and my brother, also our roommate told us that his friend was moving into our neighborhood and now he has someone to live with once I "pop out that bun in the oven". Rob and I looked at each other and I knew I couldn't hide it from my brother, especially living with him. So we told him. Then told the rest of our families. We can't hide it plus if something happens I want to have the same support we did with Xander.

So here we are blessed with another miracle. No one else knows, we are keeping it off of the dreaded facebook. Well now my cousin Lacy knows and I guess I hadn't told her so Lacy, if you are reading this, KEEP IT OFF OF FACEBOOK PLEASE lol. Thank you.

I can't even explain how scared I am, how scared we are. I am only 5 weeks. But like I said, it's weird. I should have 5 weeks left with Xander, not be 5 weeks brand new pregnant. I feel better with my new doctor though and have an awesome plan in place. No one will even know I am pregnant unless they see me. Obviously I won't be showing for another 10 weeks but I'm just saying, I'm not gonna blurt it out to everyone online because I am not innocent anymore. I know pregnancy doesn't always result with a take home baby. And it's sad.  

You've Got Mail

The day I discovered I was pregnant with Xander, I signed up for everything baby. Pampers, Luvs, Huggies, Enfamil, Similac, Your Pregnancy Week by Week, The Bump, etc. So needless to say I get e-mails with subjects like "Your growing baby at __ weeks". Ugh. It's such a slap in the face but I just don't want to take the time to cancel my subscription or whatever it is. But I never expected I'd get mail in my actual mailbox not just my inbox.

I went to check my mail and pulled out a flyer for pregnancy pictures. I don't even know how they got my address. All I know is it had a big picture of a big naked belly. A belly with a baby. Like what mine should look like. Every day I look in the mirror for signs of pregnancy. For signs of Xander. But all I have are the memories. The stretch marks and flabby skin. I should be having my baby shower this weekend. Instead, tomorrow Rob and I are going to the first hospital support group. It sucks. I want my Xander back. I want my big baby filled belly back.

Emotions

Rob and I seem to be thinking of Xander a lot lately. I think it has to do with the fact that realistically, I could be pregnant again. I (and I'm assuming Rob) are trying really hard not to get our hopes up. I am having symptoms but it's way too early to tell. I think just the idea that I could be pregnant is freaking me out. I am SO SO SO SO excited but so nervous! I am getting my progesterone levels checked on Friday. The results could also be a sign if I am pregnant or not. If they are high it could mean I have a bun in the oven. If not, well then there is always next month. I just hope that Xander knows he will forever be our baby. The one who was taken away way too soon. I would like nothing more than to just hold him and tell him over and over again how much I love and miss him.

Thinking back to the day we lost him seems like a distant memory. Almost like a dream. Rob and I decided to give each other 5 minutes alone with Xander. I held him as close as I could to me and cried and cried and cried. I could barely get the words out that I was dying to tell him. I remember my tears kept rolling off of my chin onto his forehead. I finally worked up the courage to write him a letter of all of those words I wish I could have said that day but kept getting too choked up to speak them out loud.

My Dearest Xander,

I have been wanting to write you a letter for oh so long. I actually started writing you letters when you were still alive in my belly. I thought about how we would laugh about how stressed you made me from the very beginning but it would all be okay because you were my warrior and fought until the very end. I thought that I would get to read those letters to your wife one day and we would get to tease you about being so stubborn and being such a boy that would grow into an incredible man. I had thoughts of your first day at home, your first car ride, your first soccer game, your first day of school, your high school prom, high school graduation and the day I would send you off to college. I thought about how you would be an amazing older brother. I even thought about potty training you because I was so terrified to try to potty train a boy since we don't have the same "equipment". I wondered if you would like Spiderman or Batman better and hoped your first word would be "mama". I cried every day when I was pregnant. I didn't have the best pregnancy. It all started with back pain at 10 weeks. Then bleeding and a diagnosis of partial abruption at 11 weeks. Then strict bed rest from 11 weeks until the day we lost you at 21 weeks 5 days.

But I cherished every day with you. I am so sorry I told God that if something bad were to happen, for Him to just make it happen so I wouldn't get attached. I regret that every day. But I hope you can forgive me and know that I loved you ever since I saw those 2 pink lines on the pregnancy test. I just knew that you wouldn't make it. I told myself every day that you would but deep down I knew not to get my hopes up. In the ER, the doctors always told me that it didn't matter, that you only had a 50% chance or less of making it. But I always told them that they were wrong. That you are the biggest miracle and that you would surprise them one day. I wish I could say I was right. I wish that you were still growing inside of my belly. I would be 31w3d. I would be having my baby shower in a week and setting up your nursery. But instead I am writing this letter to you and will be bringing it to the memorial bench where you are buried. 

I miss you every day my sweet Xander. You will always be Mommy and Daddy's first baby ever. You will always be the first grand child, nephew and cousin. And when the day comes that we have more children, you will always be their big brother. They will always know who Xander is. I can't even begin to tell you how much my heart hurts. There is a part of it that is missing. That's why I left you the Snoopy holding the heart..as a symbol of the piece that belongs to you, my son. I hope that one day we will meet again. I hope that the first word I hear you say will be "mama". Daddy and I had a running bet on what your first word would be. Don't let me down.

This is from a book called "Love You Forever". I couldn't wait to read it to you.

I'll love you forever,

I'll like you for always,

As long as I'm living

my baby you'll be.

Love always,

Mommy

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy."

Officially TTC

I am sssoooo scared! I am super excited though. I haven't told any one in my family that Rob and I got the official green light today at the doctor but now, I guess they know! I had a follicular ultrasound done and long story short, she said that I am ovulating and we can try this cycle! So crazy! I thought we wouldn't be able to until next month but everything looks fine and she said mainly, however long we wait is up to us. It's how we feel in our hearts not how we look medically.

These past few days have been crazy. I've been riding this constant emotional roller coaster. Up, down, up down it never ends! I just can't believe how long it has been already. I miss Xander so much and the journey of TTC makes it even harder. I am ready but I guess it just sets in the reality more that he is gone. Like really gone. I hope he knows that we are in NO way trying to replace him, just growing our family and giving him a little brother or sister to watch down on.

The hospital support group is starting on April 7th. It will run for 7 weeks, the last meeting being on May 19th. It's so weird because May 19th is 2 days before Xander's original estimated due date. Every where I look I see signs of him. Like I looked on my old birth club on a website I go to and a post was called "Xander or Zander" and she wanted advice on how to spell it. She ended up choosing Xander. Then, people have signatures at the end of their posts where usually their kids names are listed. I keep seeing his name! I never saw anyone with kids that had his same name before we lost him. I was thinking that if we ever have a girl I want her middle name to be Xandria or Xandra. Probably Xandria that way it doesn't sound like Sandra. Which would be okay though because that is my late grandmother's first name. I still have to discuss this with Rob.

Anyway, the hospital support group begins soon. I am nervous. I've been apart of an online support group but in person is a lot different. It will be nice to hopefully make new friends that I can relate to. I mean, I was the first out of all of my friends to get pregnant, let alone have a stillborn. It's just hard to find people to relate to. I hate knowing that there are so many people who have experienced this but at the same time it is nice to know you are talking to someone who TRULY understands exactly how you feel! I don't think Rob necessarily likes the idea of support groups but he is going with me anyway. I kind of feel bad but they charge you for the support group and the price is per couple. They asked me who I'd be bringing with me, and my sister said she would come, but I don't know if that'd be weird. I am just so lucky to have Rob. He is such a trooper.

Oh yeah! I wanted to post a picture of the memorial bench where Xander is buried.


I love it there. It's so nice. I left that Snoopy for him. Kind of a reminder that he will always have a piece of my heart. I was surprised that it's so clean. It's been really windy and rainy here.

I miss my son so much. Mommy and Daddy love you Xan-Xan! <3