Restless

I can't sleep anymore. I wake up every 20 minutes and I can tell it's affecting Rob's sleep too. My Ambien doesn't even keep me dreaming. Maybe it's because I am not having dreams I am having nightmares. Everyone (in my "dreams") just tells me how it's my fault he's gone. It's like in a movie...where someone is standing in the middle of a circle full of people and the room is spinning and they are all shouting negative things about the person in the center.

I feel like all of my relationships are ruined. No one talks to me anymore unless I am the one to start the conversation. And forget bringing up the fact we lost Xander. It's just like I can see the expression on their face as soon as I say "ever since we lost Xander...." or anything similar, their face goes from smile to frown. Like, is this girl still talking about that? Yes. Yes I am and I always will. Just because you can block it out doesn't mean I can. And honestly I never want to forget Xander because that would be dishonoring my own son. Would you dishonor your child's life? Living or not? And why frown when I bring him up. It is obviously beyond sad what happened but I don't want my son to see his Mommy sad when she talks about him. I can be happy when I talk about him and I hope you can be too. He was amazing. He had a personality. He was stubborn for one thing. At every ultrasound he would squirm and kick and give the tech a hard time. And I know he was caring. Anytime I would worry about him, he would give me a nice big kick in the stomach to remind me that was still there...alive and kicking. He also loved his Dad. Anytime Rob would set his hand on my perfectly round pregnant belly, and say "Xander", he would respond by kicking at Rob's hand.

He was and still is and always will be...my pride and joy.  And no matter how much I feel like my body failed it didn't in a way...because even though we lost him, my body still made him. And at least I can say that.

A True Gift

I have been doing a lot of reading on Faces of Loss it's an excellent website. And one of the stories I read was about a woman who started a fundraiser after losing her daughter. One of the prizes at one of her fundraisers was a 4D ultrasound. This story is amazing.....

"Teresa's pregnancy went by without circumstance.  At thirty weeks, she was debating using the 4D ultrasound they had won, or perhaps giving it to other friends of ours who hadn't been able find out the gender of their child.  She decided to use it and came straight to my house to show me pictures of her beautiful son right after.  In conversation, she casually mentioned that the technician had expressed concern at the possibility of seeing an issue with the baby's heart.  Having the experience that I had, I was adamant about Teresa following up with her regular doctor.  After extensive testing and ultrasounds, they did indeed find that there was a heart defect and a plan was made for the baby's birth and after care. "

The quote was taken directly from her story which you can read on the main page of the link I posted. Just scroll down until you see where it says "Story of HOPE".

Since Xander's passing I just felt this need that it happened to me that way I can help other Mom's during this time. Stillborns aren't really something that people talk about. But the more I bring up my story the more I hear other people's. And it is horrible. I think it really hit me the first time we went to the cemetery and I saw all of the baby headstones. It's tragic. No one should ever have to bury or in our case cremate, their child. Let alone their baby.

Reading the story about Scarlette Rose and how her mother chose to deal with things realized that is what I want to do. I want to start something like that in my area. I want to help other women but more specifically in time of loss. I want to help raise money to pay other people's hospital bills because that is something that really pisses me off. I didn't bring home my son so why should I have to pay? Aren't I suffering enough? I dread the day the bills will start flowing in...and I plan to fight all of them. So maybe not even raise money to help pay bills but find ways to help FIGHT them.

I talked to my Mom about starting a fundraiser and she is going to help me. Honestly I have no idea where to start. But she used to do fundraisers so I can't wait to get this started! It is just another one of Xander's Gifts.

 

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all...SERIOUSLY!

I understand that knowing what to say to me may be hard. Hell, some days I feel lucky if someone has the balls to talk to me. (Currently in the anger stage of grief) BUT.... 

PLEASE::::If you have any 2nd guesses about the words you are about to say and how they may sound, just shut your mouth before you have the chance to speak.

Things like this fall into that category of "do not say to a grieving parent, particularly a grieving mother":

1.(And this is #1 because it pisses me off the most) You will be a good mother someday.

Uhm hello, I AM a Mom and Rob is a Dad! Xander will always be our son so why am I suddenly not a Mom? And by the way, I do expect to celebrate Mother's Day even though it will be hard considering Xander was due in May. I posted that this bothers me on the support board I am on and another Mom posted this and it really puts things in perspective. 

"No one would ever try to tell a woman who's only grown child was killed in an accident that she isn't a mother! It's an insult to our children, as much as it's an insult to us."

2. It will happen when you are ready. I was ready and I still am ready. So why did it not happen?

3. Maybe something was wrong with him. Tell me how a baby survives for almost 22 weeks inside of my belly with an umbilical cord that never attached to the placenta, but attached to the membranes. He was ever affected until it was too late and took his life. The placenta sucked, the cord placement sucked but my son was perfect.

4. Maybe God took him to save him from further pain in his life. I am religious. But who knows why this happened? And it doesn't make things any better knowing that you think my son would have lived a tragic life. Thanks.

5. Just when people try to answer my questions. If I ask questions out loud about what happened to Xander please understand that they are purely rhetorical. I know I can never make sense of what happened and honestly do you really think you have the answers? I know most ideas start with maybe but have you ever stopped to think maybe you should just listen to me and give me a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen to me talk about my son?

I ran out of church this morning...

Rob and I hadn't been to church in a long time. With me, I was raised in a religion that showed me just how hypocritical it was when my parents divorced. We stopped going to church and I hadn't been back since. I wanted to wait until I was older...try to find my own relationship with God. That is always how Rob and I talked about how we would face religion with our children. We want to lead them in the direction we were in, but give them the option to find their own paths if that makes sense. Before I was put on bed rest we had discussed going back to church that way we had somewhere to go where we felt comfortable, before Xander was born. Well bed rest kind of prevented that.

Five years ago or so my Mom found a new church that was mainly non-denominational. I had gone a few times and liked it. During my whole pregnancy I felt as though I had built a better connection with God and felt blessed with the days He gave me with Xander. With Xander's passing I have turned to God to give me strength to keep on and to keep Xander's memory alive and celebrating his short lived life inside my belly. I asked Rob if he would go to church with me this morning to the place my Mom went. The church has expanded and moved into a HUGE new building. I felt really intimidated just driving up to it. It has a shuttle to drive you back to your car in a far away parking lot! I mean this place was PACKED! But the Pastor is so nice and you can tell he speaks from his heart and truly believes what he preaches. Also it is more modern which is nice. Every time I go to church which is less than I like to admit, he seems to talk about something I am going through in life at that moment. Well this morning they started with a song, then the Pastor said "today is the day of celebrating life! We are pro-life here..." and I could feel the tears welding up..."let's bring up the families celebrating life and dedicating our lives to God..." I saw through my teary eyes...proud Moms and Dads carrying their babies to the stage...to dedicate their lives to God...to keep faith going in their families. I turned to Rob and asked if we could go.

I ran out of church.

I ran to the doors leading into the lobby, I ran across the lobby which is HUGE and felt everyone's eyes from the previous service beaming me...probably wondering why this woman is running across a church lobby...in tears. Once outside I just wanted to fall to the ground. I want to know why that happened. Why did we choose today to go...the day they celebrate life and my son's life was just taken....the one Sunday a month they do this. While those proud Moms and Dads were getting their children, the ones that they can hold, prayed for...we drove up the road to the cemetery...and visited our baby. I just miss him so badly and would give ANYTHING to be one of those Moms...lucky enough to hold their child in their arms every day. My arms ache for Xander. My arms are empty. My arms are the empty arms of a Mother with a torn heart. No words can describe the pain and emptiness I feel inside. And to think some people...the decisions they make...it makes me so mad! I want my son back.

The song I sang to Xander

When pregnant with Xander I heard this song. It melted my heart because it's exactly how I felt and still feel about him. I just listened to it for the first time since the day he was born sleeping and turned into my angel. It makes me so sad because I wasn't able to give him more than I get...like it says in the song. I used to sing it to him everyday when he was in my belly.

I think that it hurts because I was on strict bed rest for 2 1/2 months fighting for his life. We were such an amazing team and I just wish it would have lasted longer. I'd be on bed rest for the rest of my life if it meant keeping him alive. A lot of people asked me, when I was still pregnant, if once Xander was born, I would be okay with getting pregnant again considering all my problems with pregnancy. I had placental abruption at 11 weeks and in the weeks following my cervix shortened and I was diagnosed with a dynamic cervix. They were going to give me a cerclage, a stitch in the cervix to keep it shut, but the bleeding made it dangerous. A week before we had Xander, my bleeding had stopped almost completely and they were considering doing the cerclage. But then it started again. My cervix also had a lot of funneling. I wonder if the cerclage would have helped. But then I know either way, my placenta would probably still detach and things would have ended the way they did anyway. I just miss him so so much. I wish I was still pregnant with him, even if it meant staying on bed rest until May. I wish I could have held on just a little bit longer...then maybe he would be here in person and not just in spirit.

Last night I dreamt that we had another baby boy. It wasn't Xander but I still loved him just as much and know that Xander was in my dreams, giving me peaceful dreams of being pregnant and having a successful pregnancy. I feel him all around me and am reminded of him by everything I see. It's just hard to remember to be happy by these memories and not saddened by the ones that will never happen.

Today's Gift from Xander, our angel

Gifts from our angel. It's like he knew that his Mommy was feeling really really down today and needed a sign that he is and always will be with us. I usually don't even open fortune cookies when we order take out. And when I do, I don't eat the whole cookie. I couldn't help myself tonight. 

I think this gave me the biggest smile I've had since I've seen his little precious body. Especially his precious little feet.