One gift that Xander gave me, was finding new friends.
My friends live all over the country and some even in Canada. How do I know these women?
Losing Xander, I turned to a site that I had been visiting while on bed rest. They also have grief support groups. Trust me, I was never one for finding online friends or considering someone I've only "typed" to a friend but these women know me better than friends I've had for years and years. We all have one thing in common....we've had a baby(or babies) die. We all feel the pain and pure heart ache daily. We've all endured the rude and insensitive comments, the crying over Pampers commercials and the (maybe irrational, but normal) bitterness towards women who have never suffered a loss and get to live in ignorance. We discuss memories and what could have been and our futures. Our futures of having another chance, another try with the little hope we hang on too. We lift each other up and we virtually send hugs. We understand each other. We are real. We don't say "it will get better" or "get over it". We say, "I understand" "I wish the pain would go away" or just a simple "I'm sorry". We don't dwell in our grief though. We don't sit around and feel sorry for ourselves...at least not all the time.
We laugh, we tell stories and dream of a day when we can all sit on a beach and have drinks together. And maybe one day we can all have a play date with our future babies. Our rainbows. We recommend movies and books and encourage each other in positive ways. We send flowers and teddy bears when a Mom is in need of something tangible, not just a "I'm sorry". We also talk about things that may not be deemed lady like. Haha. We check in on each other and talk to each other daily. We offer support in every day decisions.
Without these women I don't know where I'd be. Probably locked in my room in Colorado. (Oh btw, I moved to Memphis.) I'd probably gone almost a year without showering. Okay, maybe not that long but you get it. I would not have been able to take baby steps in healing. I wouldn't have had the courage to go to a real support group.
Basically, I wouldn't be where I am today without them. I'm just pissed we all live so far away from each other lol. Seriously though....I consider them my best friends.
Thank God for our babies for bringing us together.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Thursday, November 3, 2011
When Your Husband Cuddles With a Teddy Bear
Some nights Rob cuddles with a teddy bear. Some people may find this strange so let me explain...
When Xander died we were given the choice of two teddy bears from the hospital. One was a medium size, over stuffed looking teddy bear and the other was smaller...thinner....and had a red heart stitched over it's chest. It was clear which one we wanted. The smaller one. The smaller one was, well is, the same size as Xander. About 10 inches long and weighs as light as a feather, probably just under a pound. When we first came home I found I didn't know what to do with the bear. Rob set it between our pillows on our bed and it soon had a name: Xander Bear. When I would cry Rob would hand me Xander Bear and I got instant relief. It temporarily healed my empty arm syndrome. I hold that bear and memories of holding Xander run through my head. And if I relax enough....I can smell Xander and remember the texture of his skin and the temperature of his body.
Rob and I haven't discussed what Xander Bear does to Rob, if it has the same effect on him but I imagine it does. Last night Rob was having a hard time sleeping and I placed Xander Bear in his arms and within minutes he fell asleep. It made me realize just how sad it is...that we have a bear to hold and not our son. Instead of taking pictures of Rob holding our infant son while sleeping, I think about taking pictures of Rob sleeping while holding a bear. It's the closest thing we have to Xander. Most wives love pictures of their husbands holding their baby while taking a nap and I will never have a picture of Rob holding Xander while they both take a nap.
I stayed awake the rest of the night crying. Crying for my husband. Crying about all of the things he is missing out on. I think as a woman sometimes I feel like it hurts me more because I carried Xander and I felt him kick and I was the one on bed rest for 10 weeks. But I should be thankful I got that much time with Xander. I got to feel him alive on a daily basis. Rob felt a few of Xander's kicks but not many. Rob only knew what Xander's attitude was by the ultrasounds we got and what I told him. I got to fall asleep every night while cuddling Xander. It may have been through my belly but....still.
I'll never forget the pride and joy in Rob's eyes as he finally got to hold Xander. We both silently examined him looking for physical similarities. It was clear Xander took after his Daddy. His face was like a mirrored image of Rob. He even had the same facial expression. It breaks my heart to think about the missing pictures of Xander and Rob together. Pictures of their first fishing trip, working on cars together, Rob teaching Xander how to play soccer...the father-son moments that we will forever imagine but never experience.
When Xander died we were given the choice of two teddy bears from the hospital. One was a medium size, over stuffed looking teddy bear and the other was smaller...thinner....and had a red heart stitched over it's chest. It was clear which one we wanted. The smaller one. The smaller one was, well is, the same size as Xander. About 10 inches long and weighs as light as a feather, probably just under a pound. When we first came home I found I didn't know what to do with the bear. Rob set it between our pillows on our bed and it soon had a name: Xander Bear. When I would cry Rob would hand me Xander Bear and I got instant relief. It temporarily healed my empty arm syndrome. I hold that bear and memories of holding Xander run through my head. And if I relax enough....I can smell Xander and remember the texture of his skin and the temperature of his body.
Rob and I haven't discussed what Xander Bear does to Rob, if it has the same effect on him but I imagine it does. Last night Rob was having a hard time sleeping and I placed Xander Bear in his arms and within minutes he fell asleep. It made me realize just how sad it is...that we have a bear to hold and not our son. Instead of taking pictures of Rob holding our infant son while sleeping, I think about taking pictures of Rob sleeping while holding a bear. It's the closest thing we have to Xander. Most wives love pictures of their husbands holding their baby while taking a nap and I will never have a picture of Rob holding Xander while they both take a nap.
I stayed awake the rest of the night crying. Crying for my husband. Crying about all of the things he is missing out on. I think as a woman sometimes I feel like it hurts me more because I carried Xander and I felt him kick and I was the one on bed rest for 10 weeks. But I should be thankful I got that much time with Xander. I got to feel him alive on a daily basis. Rob felt a few of Xander's kicks but not many. Rob only knew what Xander's attitude was by the ultrasounds we got and what I told him. I got to fall asleep every night while cuddling Xander. It may have been through my belly but....still.
I'll never forget the pride and joy in Rob's eyes as he finally got to hold Xander. We both silently examined him looking for physical similarities. It was clear Xander took after his Daddy. His face was like a mirrored image of Rob. He even had the same facial expression. It breaks my heart to think about the missing pictures of Xander and Rob together. Pictures of their first fishing trip, working on cars together, Rob teaching Xander how to play soccer...the father-son moments that we will forever imagine but never experience.
Monday, June 27, 2011
The Fight
You never seized to amaze the doctors
Who told us your life wouldn't last much longer
But I knew deep down
You were made to be my fighter.
I rested for weeks
Took it easy as much as I could
And one day I felt you kick,
I cried with excitement.
One day I'd see those kicks
From outside the womb.
Weeks went by and then a month
Things were looking up.
"See!" I told everyone
"I knew he would make it!"
Your kicks became strong
My body began to heal
But there were things we didn't see,
Words we never thought we would hear.
Things weren't looking good
But I always looked forward to the night,
For that's when you kicked me the most
To let me know you were alright.
January 12th we were told you would make it
This fight and journey would all be worth it.
I looked forward to that night, to feel your tiny feet
Little did I know, I'd get to hold them the next day.
Your kicks slowed down, contractions had started,
I woke up your Dad, fear lied within his eyes,
"It'll be alright," I told him, "our son is a fighter".
We heard your heart beat one last time
But I knew deep down, nothing was alright.
Within a few short hours we were told the news
"I'm sorry," he said "I have bad news".
Daddy saw your lifeless body
As I screamed to God
"Why!? Why did you take our son!?"
We held you, your lifeless body.
So quiet and warm.
You had your grandfather's feet,
My lips
Your dad's nose and eyes.
My dear sweet son
How could this be?
That our hello would also be goodbye.
I didn't want to leave you
I still want to hold you one last time
I still want to kiss you one more time.
We still have no answers to why we lost our fight
And some days it feels,
Like no hope is in sight.
But every time the wind blows
And the train rolls by
I know you are still here
Right by our sides.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
So much to say
Where do I start? I probably should have started writing this days ago. Ever since our latest lost last week I have done a lot of self evaluation. Like what I want to do with my life.
Growing up, I had a LOT of dreams and aspirations. I wanted to start my own "bath and body" line. Not like the store, but that type of stuff. Lotion, body spray, perfume and soap. I wanted one of those make your own soap kits growing up but never got one. I wanted to major in chemistry. Then I started playing basketball. I was bound and determined after my 7th grade tournament and being told I had to play on all the different level teams because they needed me, that I was for sure WNBA material. Then I decided I wanted to focus on cosmetology and become a hair stylist or make up artist for movie stars. So I actually perused that dream. Then we had to move and pay for 2 apartments at once so I took a break from school and worked. Then I went back. Then my Grandma passed away. I went back to school after her funeral and just could not focus. I left once and for all. That school sucked anyway.
My family always made jokes that I'd be the girl sitting at the bar, throwing back beers with the boys. Ha! Boy, were they wrong. I still love hair & make up. And I hate beer. I'd still love to work and live in LA or New York or Paris. I'd love to study there.
But whenever you lose two babies, something that rarely happens and usually women experience no problems at all, it's hard to believe that you can do anything. I would love to follow my dreams but right now my biggest dream is to have a kicking, screaming, crying baby to hold in my arms and not just in my heart. To be able to take a baby home and teach it things and celebrate their birthdays where they can be there to blow out the birthday candles. I should be finishing up Xander's nursery and packing my hospital bags for when I go into labor.
But I've already done that. And I was never given a chance to buy stuff for his nursery. I was never able to pack my hospital bags. I was never able to hear the sweet screams of my baby. Neither of them. I am just now approaching my first due date and have had not just one loss, but two. Rob and I already talked about waiting 6 months before trying again. I know I should, I know I should lose the weight, but I just want a baby! I can't believe I've already been pregnant twice. I honestly thought I'd never have kids this young either but now I know that waiting will probably just put me at a higher risk now. I just don't know what else to do with myself. I haven't worked since November and I don't think I am emotionally stable enough yet to start working. Ugh. This sucks.
Growing up, I had a LOT of dreams and aspirations. I wanted to start my own "bath and body" line. Not like the store, but that type of stuff. Lotion, body spray, perfume and soap. I wanted one of those make your own soap kits growing up but never got one. I wanted to major in chemistry. Then I started playing basketball. I was bound and determined after my 7th grade tournament and being told I had to play on all the different level teams because they needed me, that I was for sure WNBA material. Then I decided I wanted to focus on cosmetology and become a hair stylist or make up artist for movie stars. So I actually perused that dream. Then we had to move and pay for 2 apartments at once so I took a break from school and worked. Then I went back. Then my Grandma passed away. I went back to school after her funeral and just could not focus. I left once and for all. That school sucked anyway.
My family always made jokes that I'd be the girl sitting at the bar, throwing back beers with the boys. Ha! Boy, were they wrong. I still love hair & make up. And I hate beer. I'd still love to work and live in LA or New York or Paris. I'd love to study there.
But whenever you lose two babies, something that rarely happens and usually women experience no problems at all, it's hard to believe that you can do anything. I would love to follow my dreams but right now my biggest dream is to have a kicking, screaming, crying baby to hold in my arms and not just in my heart. To be able to take a baby home and teach it things and celebrate their birthdays where they can be there to blow out the birthday candles. I should be finishing up Xander's nursery and packing my hospital bags for when I go into labor.
But I've already done that. And I was never given a chance to buy stuff for his nursery. I was never able to pack my hospital bags. I was never able to hear the sweet screams of my baby. Neither of them. I am just now approaching my first due date and have had not just one loss, but two. Rob and I already talked about waiting 6 months before trying again. I know I should, I know I should lose the weight, but I just want a baby! I can't believe I've already been pregnant twice. I honestly thought I'd never have kids this young either but now I know that waiting will probably just put me at a higher risk now. I just don't know what else to do with myself. I haven't worked since November and I don't think I am emotionally stable enough yet to start working. Ugh. This sucks.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Why Can't I STAY Pregnant?
Bad news. Another loss.
Monday I went in for a progesterone shot. Before I left my house for the appointment, I saw a few pink spots of blood when I used the restroom. I called to see if they could squeeze in an ultrasound while I was there. I should have been 7 weeks and 3 days which is far enough along to hear the heartbeat. I went alone since Rob was in Dallas for work. Right away I could tell something was wrong. The tech even looked concerned. She said the baby measured behind at 6 weeks 6 days and the heart was only beating 84 beats per minute. The first time we heard Xander's heart, it was 189 beats per minute! I saw Dr. D and he said I had a 50/50 chance of miscarriage. They still gave me my progesterone shot and ran my blood to do my weekly test of progesterone level. The next morning the nurse called and said my level was only at 6! It had dropped! I asked her why and she said she had no answers and scheduled me for an ultrasound on Wednesday. Originally we were going to give it a week and wait until Friday to do another ultrasound. I cried all day on Monday after my appointment and the phone call on Tuesday morning pretty much gave me the confirmation that the baby was passing or had already done so. I was going to stay on bed rest all week but I felt so alone so I went and saw Xander. All the way home I said out loud, "my baby will grow, my baby will live". About 30 minutes after I got home I went to the restroom and saw bright red blood. It was only a few spots but I was still worried. I called the on call after hours line for my OB since it was 5pm. The nurse actually called me from the office and said "Hi Laura. What's going on? Dr. W said you paged him".
I told her what happened and asked if Dr. W could meet me at the ER since the office was closed. She told me to wait until Wednesday since I had an appointment but I told her I just knew. She said she'd talk to Dr. W and call back. Well let me tell you, I have the best doctors ever! He was still in the office and called the ultrasound tech back in to do my ultrasound. I got there by 5:30pm. The four of us sat in the room quietly and we all saw it. No heart beat. Dr. W put his hand on my arm as the tech announced what we all knew. The baby had passed on. I had already made up my mind on what I would do if I were to miscarry since I pretty much knew on Monday that I would. I scheduled the D&C for the next morning.
Rob was able to make it home right on time to take me to pre-op. The surgery went well and I was able to go home just 4 short hours after arriving at the hospital. The nurse that delivered Xander was working and came by my pre-op room and gave her condolences. She has also experienced loss and told me that if I can picture myself with a baby, then it WILL happen!
Dt. W was my OB when I was pregnant with Xander. Then I switched to Dr. D because he was the one who actually delivered Xander. Now Dr. W has been more apart of our loss experiences. I can honestly say I don't know who to go to anymore because they were both so kind during these horrible times. But right now I just want to focus on me and my relationship with my wonderful fiancée. Having another loss is so discouraging but I really can see us as a family with living children one day. I just don't know why it hasn't happened.
Monday I went in for a progesterone shot. Before I left my house for the appointment, I saw a few pink spots of blood when I used the restroom. I called to see if they could squeeze in an ultrasound while I was there. I should have been 7 weeks and 3 days which is far enough along to hear the heartbeat. I went alone since Rob was in Dallas for work. Right away I could tell something was wrong. The tech even looked concerned. She said the baby measured behind at 6 weeks 6 days and the heart was only beating 84 beats per minute. The first time we heard Xander's heart, it was 189 beats per minute! I saw Dr. D and he said I had a 50/50 chance of miscarriage. They still gave me my progesterone shot and ran my blood to do my weekly test of progesterone level. The next morning the nurse called and said my level was only at 6! It had dropped! I asked her why and she said she had no answers and scheduled me for an ultrasound on Wednesday. Originally we were going to give it a week and wait until Friday to do another ultrasound. I cried all day on Monday after my appointment and the phone call on Tuesday morning pretty much gave me the confirmation that the baby was passing or had already done so. I was going to stay on bed rest all week but I felt so alone so I went and saw Xander. All the way home I said out loud, "my baby will grow, my baby will live". About 30 minutes after I got home I went to the restroom and saw bright red blood. It was only a few spots but I was still worried. I called the on call after hours line for my OB since it was 5pm. The nurse actually called me from the office and said "Hi Laura. What's going on? Dr. W said you paged him".
I told her what happened and asked if Dr. W could meet me at the ER since the office was closed. She told me to wait until Wednesday since I had an appointment but I told her I just knew. She said she'd talk to Dr. W and call back. Well let me tell you, I have the best doctors ever! He was still in the office and called the ultrasound tech back in to do my ultrasound. I got there by 5:30pm. The four of us sat in the room quietly and we all saw it. No heart beat. Dr. W put his hand on my arm as the tech announced what we all knew. The baby had passed on. I had already made up my mind on what I would do if I were to miscarry since I pretty much knew on Monday that I would. I scheduled the D&C for the next morning.
Rob was able to make it home right on time to take me to pre-op. The surgery went well and I was able to go home just 4 short hours after arriving at the hospital. The nurse that delivered Xander was working and came by my pre-op room and gave her condolences. She has also experienced loss and told me that if I can picture myself with a baby, then it WILL happen!
Dt. W was my OB when I was pregnant with Xander. Then I switched to Dr. D because he was the one who actually delivered Xander. Now Dr. W has been more apart of our loss experiences. I can honestly say I don't know who to go to anymore because they were both so kind during these horrible times. But right now I just want to focus on me and my relationship with my wonderful fiancée. Having another loss is so discouraging but I really can see us as a family with living children one day. I just don't know why it hasn't happened.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Low progesterone=infertile?
I received my progesterone levels and were shocked to hear they were 7.5 when they should be 15. I was told I would have to be taking extra progesterone in order to conceive. I still took more home pregnancy tests though because as my fellow BBCer's know, the show ain't over until AF shows. So I had taken 4 tests...all negative. I thought for sure we were out this month which was expected considering it was only the first month trying. Yet I didn't want to believe that a week after I turned 21, I was diagnosed with infertility. It was so easy with Xander, why is it hard this time? Why are all of these things appearing now? If we had caught it with Xander, would I still be pregnant? I should be 35 weeks. His due date is 5 weeks away! Why am I going through this instead?
Well last Saturday I had one test left. One staring at me saying "take me! Take me! I'm only going to give you a BFN (big fat NEGATIVE) but take me anyway. So I did and set it aside while I finished up my business. I couldn't believe what I saw when I looked down....
HOLY SHIT! Is that a 2nd line? It can't be. I was diagnosed with secondary infertility 5 days ago. So I took another one. A digital so I didn't have to worry about reading lines.
It can't get more positive than that. I told Rob and we talked about whether or not to tell the family. I told him after the first test then we went together to buy the 2nd one. We got home from the store and my brother, also our roommate told us that his friend was moving into our neighborhood and now he has someone to live with once I "pop out that bun in the oven". Rob and I looked at each other and I knew I couldn't hide it from my brother, especially living with him. So we told him. Then told the rest of our families. We can't hide it plus if something happens I want to have the same support we did with Xander.
So here we are blessed with another miracle. No one else knows, we are keeping it off of the dreaded facebook. Well now my cousin Lacy knows and I guess I hadn't told her so Lacy, if you are reading this, KEEP IT OFF OF FACEBOOK PLEASE lol. Thank you.
I can't even explain how scared I am, how scared we are. I am only 5 weeks. But like I said, it's weird. I should have 5 weeks left with Xander, not be 5 weeks brand new pregnant. I feel better with my new doctor though and have an awesome plan in place. No one will even know I am pregnant unless they see me. Obviously I won't be showing for another 10 weeks but I'm just saying, I'm not gonna blurt it out to everyone online because I am not innocent anymore. I know pregnancy doesn't always result with a take home baby. And it's sad.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
You've Got Mail
The day I discovered I was pregnant with Xander, I signed up for everything baby. Pampers, Luvs, Huggies, Enfamil, Similac, Your Pregnancy Week by Week, The Bump, etc. So needless to say I get e-mails with subjects like "Your growing baby at __ weeks". Ugh. It's such a slap in the face but I just don't want to take the time to cancel my subscription or whatever it is. But I never expected I'd get mail in my actual mailbox not just my inbox.
I went to check my mail and pulled out a flyer for pregnancy pictures. I don't even know how they got my address. All I know is it had a big picture of a big naked belly. A belly with a baby. Like what mine should look like. Every day I look in the mirror for signs of pregnancy. For signs of Xander. But all I have are the memories. The stretch marks and flabby skin. I should be having my baby shower this weekend. Instead, tomorrow Rob and I are going to the first hospital support group. It sucks. I want my Xander back. I want my big baby filled belly back.
I went to check my mail and pulled out a flyer for pregnancy pictures. I don't even know how they got my address. All I know is it had a big picture of a big naked belly. A belly with a baby. Like what mine should look like. Every day I look in the mirror for signs of pregnancy. For signs of Xander. But all I have are the memories. The stretch marks and flabby skin. I should be having my baby shower this weekend. Instead, tomorrow Rob and I are going to the first hospital support group. It sucks. I want my Xander back. I want my big baby filled belly back.
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